Monday, August 26, 2013
I have been under so much stress lately, and it's affecting my eating a lot. It's late afternoon and evenings that I struggle. One of my downfalls is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Why is that such a comfort food? I don't eat just one of them either. Or peanut butter and jelly on tortilla. Anyway, I've got to stop this.
I've had two daughters and their kids living with me for a long time. Younger one has a lot of health issues, including fibromyalgia and seizures. The older one just needs to get her life together and get a job and keep it. She used to be so responsible but the past couple of years she's just fallen apart. Lots of issues in her life and I won't go into them. At first I thought she'd just reached a burn out period, which I could understand. But it's gone on too long. And she had traffic tickets in the town she used to live in, about 2 hours away. About a year and a half ago she was arrested because she had never paid those tickets, and then she worked out a plan with the judge to pay a small amount every month. She never followed though. 3 1/2 weeks ago she was picked up here again for those same tickets. She's been in the local jail, waiting for the city she has the tickets in to come get her. I think she has a few more days and if they don't come get her the local jail sets her free. Frankly, I'm hoping they come and get her and she has to serve the whole time the judge sets that would pay off the tickets. I don't have the money to get her out and pay the tickets, and if I did I wouldn't do it. She doesn't learn anything that way. And I don't want her back here. But in the meantime, I have her 3 kids, ages 8, 10, and 14. I would be willing to keep the kids if she gets out until she gets on her feet. When she's here, she doesn't do much, when she used to be so busy all the time cleaning and cooking and doing other things. But the last number of months she's hasn't been helpful. There's just so much going on. I don't want to be raising kids at my age again. I'm 58 and want to be doing other things with my time and money. But we do what we have to do and my grandkids are so important to me that I will do what I have to do. I've been half raising them anyway. When I put the 2 younger ones in the elementary school the school counselor said there was no problem with me registering them without their parent because they already knew I'd been a primary parent figure in my grandkids lives for a long time because of the times I was there for one reason or another. That really made me think about my responsibilities to them to be a "parent" when their mother isn't. Their dad has not been in the picture for the past year and a half because he got himself into a lot of trouble. Anyway, I'm rambling on here. I applied for benefits like Medicaid and cash assistance for them, because as a non-parent family member raising them I can get some assistance for them. It's not based on my income. I have a pretty decent paying job for our area, but still supporting all these people has been so hard and caused a lot of money issues. Day to day things and then buying school clothes and school supplies for these 3 and the other granddaughter from my younger daughter who has been too sick to work.
This is a very personal pouring out of my stress. I don't talk about some of this to anyone. I smile and keep trying to keep it all together. I pray and try to trust God to provide. But still the stress of knowing that when she does get out I'm going to have to confront her and tell her I can't have her here anymore (landlady doesn't want her here either) and fighting for the kids to stay here until she has a job and a stable place for them. She's going to be mad when she finds out that I've applied for the assistance because then Child Support Division will go after her for the reimbursement. The two younger ones lived with their dad's brother for a while and she owes child support for the assistance he got during that time. Their dad does too. But I have to do what I have to do for us. I love my daughter so much, but I can't take care of her anymore.
Okay, so I've poured out my stress today. I'll keep believing that God will take care of us, as He has, and that He will give me the strength to do what I need to do in everything. I need to get back on track with taking care of myself to do this too. Stress is making me feel sick at times and the way I'm eating isn't helping that. I'm going to work on that part. I do get exercise daily, but I've got to get my nutrition better.
Me and my family will get through this, one day at a time, one step at a time. I've got to focus on the moment and stop worrying so much about tomorrow or the next day or the day after.
This is written more for myself but if you read this I thank you too. Thanks for your support. My spark friends are so awesome!