Sunday, August 25, 2013
I have a panic/anxiety disorder. I haven't had a problem for months but with the spiraling anxiety awaiting the birth of our first long-awaited grandchild (due in 3 days) I have started feeling that panicky feeling over the last couple of days. I first noticed on Friday when we went out to eat. The lights seemed to be flashing and I started getting that "I have to get out of here" kind of feeling. Then this morning as we're getting ready for church it completely bubbled over I started crying and told my husband just to take our daughter and go without me. I'm really struggling this morning. I told him it probably wasn't the smartest thing for me to decide to get back on Sparkpeople when the anxiety is ratcheting up. I'm like an alcoholic. I deaden my emotions by stuffing food in my mouth. My first thoughts this morning when I'm feeling too whacked out to go to church is that I want to go to the Chinese Buffet. Eat a couple of days worth of calories in one go. That will make me feel better won't it? Of course, I always get it to go. I wouldn't want anyone to actually see me eating that much food. It's an unending cycle. I'm ashamed that I look this way and I'm ashamed when I give in and eat to my emotions. I'm trying to let my emotions out here and not pick up the keys to my car. I've planned my lunch on my nutrition tracker and somehow I have to work through these emotions myself without giving in to the temptation. Some days I wish I was like my Mom. She was addicted to cigarettes, caffeine, and prescription medicine but she was tiny and petite. That is more socially acceptable than to have an addiction that not only is visible but also effects your health. I just wish I didn't have to deal with any of it. My daughter having a baby is a dream come true. I should be happy and I really am. Why am I crying? Why am I wanting to eat vast quantities of cookies? Why can't I just be a normal person?