Sunday, August 25, 2013
I am in a rather blue mood, again. So, I hope this blog isnt riddled with sadness or depressing.
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. It is this time of year.
A year ago, I was riding high, losing weight like a boss, hanging out with friends every weekend, and had met one of the coolest friends I will ever know.
A year later, yesterday I seen that friend, passed by my house, was driving pretty slow.
I sat on my front porch and watched as they drove by and wondered what was on their mind?
Did they also remember it was this time last year we met and became fast friends, hung out, walked together? Talked and chatted for hours and hours??
And then.....At Christmas it all changed, no returned calls, no returned texts, no returned messages.
No hanging out.
Just one day I am told "I can no longer be your friend and please just dont contact me".
And so, i never did and never did learn what I had done or what wrong had occurred or if it was just them.
But honestly that wasnt even what had me feeling blue yesterday at all, that occurred much later in the afternoon.
I was already in a funk.
See, I am what is known as the "class clown"...or the funny girl, the one who sends out quirky texts and posts amusing memes on her Facebook and the walls of friends.
I woke up yesterday realizing, its Saturday, its in the 80's and its beautiful late summer day.
And I couldnt have bought a friend with a winning lottery ticket.
All my friends, and the so called ones as well, were off doing other things with other people.
As is always the case.
Bristol for the races.
I understand they have lives and I wasnt even angry at them about going out and enjoying themselves.
I just feel like Im tired of being the Monday thru Friday friend and on weekends spending all my time alone.
Honey had to work, as usual, and even if he hadnt, we would not have gone anywhere.
We do not go out and have fun. He has no concept of how to have fun or unwind or relax.
We would have done exactly what I did alone, sat, in the same room, watching tv, alone.
This is the case.
I decided to go for a drive and thought about a walk, but even though I was all alone and no one to hang out with and nothing to do, I didnt walk, because...."i spent an hour straightening my hair and didnt want to mess it up"!!!
What an idiotic excuse.
Had I walked I probably would have released and let go of some of the resentment and anger and confusion and whatever else it was that was eating my insides out yesterday.
Maybe I will get that walk in today.
At Lowes and Walmart most likely.
I really really really need a life. I really need a job. That was my goal and here I am still not working.
This so called job, sitting with the elderly lady. It is no job. For the first 3 weeks, I was working 4 days a week, and in the last 4 weeks, I have worked 3 times.
I thought about going back to school, but honestly, I cannot concentrate on anything long enough to stick with it.
Reading books, I used to be happy to sit and read for hours and hours, now I start the first chapter and I lose interest immediately.
Even reading every part of the newspaper is trying for me.
I really need to take a break from social networking, sorry SP. But I do.
I did finally however connect with my friend S....he has it really hard right now too.
He is out on bond, ok, for those who dont know that story, all I can suggest is read some of my blogs from around june of last year or may to june of this year.
His dad is bad off in the hospital, was just taken off of the ventilator a few days ago and is just now beginning to be able to walk around.
But even with all that going on, his neice told him I had called looking for him earlier and he called me, driving on his way to the hospital to see his dad, and we talked about 20 minutes.
My mood lifted a little and I felt like there is at least one person out there who does want me in their life and want me to be in good health.
I have to learn that these so called friends arent really friends afterall, I mean, I am ok for a lunch once or twice a month, for 35 minutes, then its FB or the occasional text.
I am going to make a goal right now.
1. Spend less time on social media.
2. walk more
3. dont count on anyone else to provide me with entertainment or activities
4. read more
5. find a part time, hopefully NIGHT TIME job where I will stay busy
6. spend more time on my mental/emotional health, ie. get back into counseling
And, put the past behind me. I know that is impossible to do, I know we all say we will or can but it is impossible.
It is just not feasible that we can just forget, people or places or conversations or feelings.
I have had friends come and go from my life many times over the last 30 plus years.
Why is this one so different? I think, because there was no reasoning, there was one day, talking, hanging out everything is cool.
And the next, just flatline......................
But as you can see, I am dealing with it quite well, lol, Its been 8 months since I have physically spoken to this person and yet, I cannot set fire to this and end it and just stop feeling like there is more to it than meets the eye.
But I am going to try, I really am.
I am going to be doing a year in review blog soon, yes I know it is August, but, I want to do a year in review because it was around a year ago I was really at the height of my weight loss and I want to take a look back at how much has changed or stayed the same.
While its early in the day, I am starting this day out in a blue mood as well, maybe its just the coming on of Autumn, maybe its the Nyquil I am still having to take to sleep thru this coughing.
Maybe its age, I will be turning 46 next month and I am depressed as hell over it!!!!
Or maybe I need more fiber in my diet.
Hoping to get out of the house some today and see the sunlight and try to find some happiness.