honesty blog warning... read at your own risk! well, that me clear this up, ALL of my blogs are honest, but some are a little more brutally real and rough... this is one of those.
still here???? are you sure?
okay, my brave soul... here it is...
so, this past week (these past SIX days i have had off), have been pretty awesome. i have been eating moderately, and exercising AND walking. but there have been some nagging thoughts, in the back of my head.
1. even if i do all this exercise, will it even show on the scale? last week, i didn't lose ANYTHING.
2. i was told that i need A LOT of work in karate, and grading is VERY far off (at one time, it was pretty close.)
3. hanging out with some "friends", who find it quite humorous to laugh at things i choose to wear. now i know for most people, muscle pants are "fo-pa", but i like them, and if you are a friend, and you know i like to wear something like that, and it is not the least bit offensive, nor inappropriate, why make fun?
. i would like to tell them to stop, but i am not confrontational, and i hate making waves, i don't want to upset them.
4. i have been working SO hard this past week, i decided to go clothes shopping. just a little something, to keep me inspired. i took some size 17 off the rack, "knowing for sure" that the 17 would be way too big, i would be in a 14 or a 15 at least, since that is what most of my clothes is right now. but finding out, they (the size 17 was a bit snug!)
5. looking at myself in the mirror (after i have been visualizing me more fit), and just seeing how fat i really am.
so, trying to keep my mind in the right place (positive), has gotten more and more difficult. i was getting frustrated and upset. i am a recovering bulimic... (i haven't binged/thrown up in literally years... binging, i have done often... don't get me wrong, i HAVE thought about it) but if i am not wanting to throw stuff up, i am wanting to workout for 8 hours a day. so today, i gave in to the cravings of my favorite food... pizza
(three HUGE pieces) , and milk duds
(a whole 5oz box).
now here i sit. my mind going 100 miles an hour (all negative thoughts) should i throw up?
should i work out for 2 hours?
is either one of those choices gonna matter, since i work midnights tomorrow?
there is still a lot of pizza in the frig, should i throw it away? eat it all so it will be gone?
WHY do i let stuff get to me? it was a momentary slip, i have been eating within my ranges for 3 weeks, one evening isn't gonna make or break me. but i have to weigh myself on tuesday, between me working and not being able to workout much, why bother?
ugh, why do i do this?
sorry for such a "naked truth" blog... but, i needed to write out my feelings, maybe that will be enough to move on...