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fighting with myself...

Saturday, August 24, 2013

honesty blog warning... read at your own risk! well, that me clear this up, ALL of my blogs are honest, but some are a little more brutally real and rough... this is one of those.

still here???? are you sure?

last chance.....

okay, my brave soul... here it is... emoticon

so, this past week (these past SIX days i have had off), have been pretty awesome. i have been eating moderately, and exercising AND walking. but there have been some nagging thoughts, in the back of my head. emoticon

1. even if i do all this exercise, will it even show on the scale? last week, i didn't lose ANYTHING. emoticon

2. i was told that i need A LOT of work in karate, and grading is VERY far off (at one time, it was pretty close.) emoticon

3. hanging out with some "friends", who find it quite humorous to laugh at things i choose to wear. now i know for most people, muscle pants are "fo-pa", but i like them, and if you are a friend, and you know i like to wear something like that, and it is not the least bit offensive, nor inappropriate, why make fun? emoticon . i would like to tell them to stop, but i am not confrontational, and i hate making waves, i don't want to upset them.

4. i have been working SO hard this past week, i decided to go clothes shopping. just a little something, to keep me inspired. i took some size 17 off the rack, "knowing for sure" that the 17 would be way too big, i would be in a 14 or a 15 at least, since that is what most of my clothes is right now. but finding out, they (the size 17 was a bit snug!) emoticon

5. looking at myself in the mirror (after i have been visualizing me more fit), and just seeing how fat i really am. emoticon .

so, trying to keep my mind in the right place (positive), has gotten more and more difficult. i was getting frustrated and upset. i am a recovering bulimic... (i haven't binged/thrown up in literally years... binging, i have done often... don't get me wrong, i HAVE thought about it) but if i am not wanting to throw stuff up, i am wanting to workout for 8 hours a day. so today, i gave in to the cravings of my favorite food... pizza emoticon (three HUGE pieces) , and milk duds emoticon (a whole 5oz box).

now here i sit. my mind going 100 miles an hour (all negative thoughts) should i throw up? emoticon should i work out for 2 hours? emoticon emoticon emoticon is either one of those choices gonna matter, since i work midnights tomorrow? emoticon there is still a lot of pizza in the frig, should i throw it away? eat it all so it will be gone? emoticon WHY do i let stuff get to me? it was a momentary slip, i have been eating within my ranges for 3 weeks, one evening isn't gonna make or break me. but i have to weigh myself on tuesday, between me working and not being able to workout much, why bother?

ugh, why do i do this? emoticon

sorry for such a "naked truth" blog... but, i needed to write out my feelings, maybe that will be enough to move on...
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  • BOBBI4272
    I totally understand how you feel trying on clothes. Last fall I bought a pair of jeans that really looked nice on me. I went back to get another pair and couldn't get them past my hips. Arghhhh! It didn't matter that my head knew it wasn't me, but it took me a long time to get past it. I've lost weight and had to buy a bigger size when I needed new clothes. It doesn't make sense!

    Are the clothes you wear now getting looser? Focus on that because you already know how they fit before.

    Good luck with your journey - just being so honest with yourself is a big deal. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments.
    1636 days ago
  • LKS2GAB2
    Don't get down on yourself. You are doing a fantastic job. You totally inspire me. When I see how many steps you have taken in a day it makes me want to do more. I understand the bulemia issue. I too still fight the urge to throw up if I over eat. I have not done it in many years but the urge and/or idea is always in the back of my mind. Try not to focus on the scale or a number on clothing. Remember no matter what weight you are you will always wear a range of sizes depending on the maker.

    I again want to say that YOU and what you are able to do, karate, push ups, etc inspire me. Be proud of what you have accomplished. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1637 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Take a deep breath and hit reset! You are doing great and there are going to be days that you just feel like throwing in the towel, but just come and spark and don't do it!
    Get rid of the pizza, and remember that the clothes don't mean anything with sizes since we all know that in some styles you can wear one size, and with another cut you could wear a totally different size!
    You know that the hard work will pay off eventually, we didn't gain the weight in a month and we won't even lose it as fast as we could gain it! But that is ok, you are getting healthier with each passing day, your body is getting stronger, the scale doesn't tell the whole tale!
    Hang in there, 1 day does not derail the whole train, just get back on the wagon and make better choices tomorrow and do those exercises like you mean it!
    You can do it, we will be right here cheering you and cheering you up!
    Keep on pushing. One day at a time.
    1638 days ago
    Eating pizza is a part of life. Will it affect the scale tomorrow. Possibly but because of the sodium. So drink a ton of water to flush it out. You can't undo weeks, months of work by one meal. You are doing so good, just focus on the healthy habits and remember to live we all will succumb to a little decadence of sorts. That's part of life. The lessons we are all learning is to get back on track after our indulgence. You are doing great!!!!! emoticon
    1638 days ago
  • LFLYNT1069
    one day of weakness or indulgence does not mean failure.
    Everyone needs that "craving fulfilled" every so often
    Here is a thought though.
    Someone found me a recipe for a substitute for pizza crust - using cauliflower and parmesan cheese and something else. You might consider doing a search for it.
    All the reviews I read on it were RAVE and most made the crust in smaller sizes and ate that alone as crackers
    Keep up with your goals. Do it for yourself and not for anyone else.
    I don't know about you, but I honestly feel better with a workout in every days. Not to mention following my diet needs and not gorging - often!
    emoticon emoticon
    1639 days ago
  • LUANN7
    You have been doing good so dont let 1 day of pizza and milk duds get you down bounce back on the wagon and go for it-u can do it!!!The scale will maybe be your friend this week since u only goofed 1 day up and did well the other 6
    lu Ann
    1639 days ago
    I love Pizza. I even had some the other day (but only one slice)
    One day a week ONE Thing I really want.
    Get the Pizza out of the house or freeze it.
    Don't beat yourself up so.
    Start over. We are human we slip and fall. We need to just get back in the fight
    1640 days ago
    Hang in there and get back on that pony! emoticon Get that pizza out of the house. Give it away or throw it away. Do not eat it. emoticon

    Don't let the scale play mind games with you. I fight this battle myself. emoticon

    We must not give up what we truly want is a healthier self.


    1640 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/24/2013 7:57:45 PM
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