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(Gone?) Fishing...

Saturday, August 24, 2013


Here's where blogging becomes really powerful: you can identify patterns, growth, and stumbling points. You can learn compassion for yourself and others. Circumstances may not change as you'd like them to... or even not at all... but in the midst of that reality, you can still GROW.

Today I choose to grow despite my circumstances having changed very little... and within that reality, by re-posting this here, I feel so much less alone.

THANK YOU for listening, holding my hand and being a place where I can land squarely on my strength.

I pray today that my words, actions, behaviors would point the way to a right way to live and be in relationship with others--so that others would be attracted to a right relationship with God... and please, God, give me the strength I need to resist being drawn into anything 'other' should those around me be deaf to your call. AMEN!

Much smaller lake...
Much smaller boat...
Much smaller fish...
Much better weather...

...But for me, this is what our family's annual fishing derby feels like.

We started doing this eight years ago for my Dad's birthday.... I mean, what do you get a 72-year-old for his birthday? One of my Dad's favourite things to do when he wasn't working was fishing. I NEVER fished with my dad, and I don't like fishing.... but this is what 'honour your father and your mother' (no matter how difficult they make it) looks like for me.

It's times like these (and this year this whole month of August) I find myself asking questions like:

"In situations where everyone is broken and pathalogically needy, where does generosity toward others end, and compassion for yourself begin?"

"In situations where your well-being is threatened, where does self preservation end, and selfishness begin?"

"When it comes to peace, how high is too high a price to pay... and who pays it when everyone's hand is out and grasping for their share?"

"Living in a world where entitlement is at the fore, and where sacrifice is largely forgotten (except for the 'other guy'... in my family my role has forever been 'other guy'), how does a servant's heart retain it's equilbrium and remain vibrant?"

"How do you achieve 'balance' in your life when you eternally feel like that ship above... when your mind and heart are the repositories of the scars from a perpetual 'perfect storm'?"

I'd love to tell you I have all the answers (H3CK! I'd love the answers for myself! ...and if YOU have the answers, PLEASE, share!), but my struggle of a lifetime continues... and while I struggle, and heal, and grow, and screw up, and even occasionally shine with brilliance I am finding ways to balance and build a life which allows that...

...by being still and allowing the storm to simply wash over me and blow itself out for the time being (knowing from expereinece that even the biggest storms do *comparatively* little damage).

...by remembering that I cannot be hurt without my cooperation.

...by dancing to the rhythm of the thunder and the music of the wind as it swirls around me.

... by laughing, and despite the tone of any given moment, taking joy in the knowledge that I may live it as I please (my chosen perception of the moment and my particiaption in it are what determine how the moment will be realized in my future).

...by loving, accepting, embracing what I can, and turning the rest to God.

... by hoisting my own sail and using the momentum to carry me where I want (am called) to go.

"As a servant, it is important to remember who (or what) the master is. A servant of a higher master must listen for the orders that have authority, not let the fellow crew order him/her about."
~~~~~~~ THANK YOU, Jennifer (BLUE42DOWN)! ~~~~~~~

No matter where, or for what, you are fishing this weekend... remember who you are, and don't apologise!

Dear SPARKlings, may today and every day bring to you a ridiculous abundance of whatever you need. May you find peace within and all around you. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and desire... a desire which even itself issues from God. May all your concerns, struggles, anxieties and fears fall like ashes as you rise on eagle's wings, SOARING above all that would hinder you along this tremendous adventure of being and becoming all you are created to be. May you answer your call and use those gifts that you have received to pass on the love that has been given to you. May the presence of God settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love beyond your wildest imagination. May you be overwhelmed by the grace of God as it simply "overtakes" you moment by moment... rather than being overwhelmed by the cares of life!

{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}

AUGUST 2013: The growth (I decided to record my thought process here):

"I know that God equips me for battles by giving me the skills before I need them so I can be a warrior." AMEN.

(Though this is what terrifies me sometimes... I acutely feel the tempering of my armour... and, honestly, I'm not sure I feel up to another 'growth experience, when bruises from the same remain unhealed.)

"I cling to the belief that all things happen for a purpose, even when I can't see what the purpose is."

I struggle with this one... I don't actually think I believe that everything happens for a purpose/reason (unless for Satan's amusement...or the consequence of man's fallen nature... can be considered a purpose/reason), just like I don't believe everything we 'see' happening is God's will (though my understanding, or lack thereof, is not what determines God's purpose/will... many things I don't understand, yet I can see God's will in it... though it many be long after the fact).

I think a lot of senseless, purposeless things happen all of the time (part of that free will we've each been given despite God's all-knowing presence)... yet, if we have the faith and God-given grace (one of the ways in which he equips us for battle) to allow it, God will create goodness and purpose where originally none could be attributed.

I see it like this: I am always better able to allow my DD freedom directly proportional to the confidence I have in my own ability to 'save her' if necessary from whatever consequences her use of that freedom brings... God can allow us perfect freedom in all things because HE KNOWS ALL and can save us from ANYTHING.

This is the belief to which I cling: that no matter how senseless, purposeless, and bereft of anything good... God - through me, through others, through miracles big and ones nearly imperceptable - has the power to perfectly transform, and return to a state of grace, ANYTHING.

This is the only reason I can continue to ask the hard questions, lovingly and repeatedly place myself in certain harm's way, step into the storm as a warrior. I don't believe that certain aspects of my life have ever been God's will for me, but of even those things he has created exquisite grace... and an expression of His perfect love... through me, and in me.

If it's not good (or loving, or honest, or edifying), it's not of God, but even and especially if it's not any of these things, God can and will make it so... it's my job to invite (and have faith in) Him to do so. God is, in all things, a gentleman... he will not force himself in where he is not welcome.

What do you think?

Here we are at the top of the day... one big happy (HA!) family:

...Because YOU are not defined by your circumstances!



UNTIL. (My 'Just Do It' blog)

'BEFORE' Pictures (May 31, 2009 - September, 2011) & Continuing PROGRESS (February 2012)! Next pictures SEPTEMBER 2013!

(I'm now keeping these right under my nose... in addition to being part of every blog I post, they are printed off and taped to my bedroom mirror... and I update whenever I feel the need - likely early September, 2013... to either see for myself what feel like significant changes, or to encourage myself to keep the faith when I feel no change at all despite my efforts)

Measurements, Musings & Motivation to MOVE!

(UPDATED/rewritten: JUNE, 2012)

I've Reached My Goal Weight!!!!!!!

NOTE: My weight tracker is NOT a truthful representation of my weight. Instead, I am using it as a tool to help me visualize my goal as though it's already been achieved!
(Tom Venuto)

DONE Girl Love...

(the footsteps into which I place my own feet)

Leaving NORMAL... In Pursuit of Happiness

Why I'm STILL here... my SparkJourney Saga


Words CAN Be Enough... page 3

Paleo... Do you really know what you're talking about?

Comparison Chart: Primal/Paleo/Ancestral, etc.

Sweeteners - Take a Closer Look!

PDF Comparison Chart of 300 Sweeteners

Breakfast is Served! (RECIPES)

Focus on LUNCHES... for school and YOU!
(& parent resources regarding nutrition for children)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BERRY4
    Found this "late"...hope you thrived in spite of the storm that others bring simply by their presence.

    I would have to say that you are a much bigger person than I. -- I have only survived certain interactions by setting boundaries. Maybe it is a wall I hide behind??? But otherwise it feels like I would be eliminated. I know that is not how my Heavenly Father sees me, but it feels that way around certain humans.

    1625 days ago
    So true!!! Very nice blog. I can feel the hurt through it though, and for that I am so sorry you had to go through it.
    Healing prayers!!!
    1633 days ago
    I love fishing. As a child, it was quality time alone with my Dad. As an adult it was quality time with the family. Now it is quality time with my husband. The actual "fishing" is of secondary importance.

    I love your blogs. You are so honest and up-front. Your ideas are thought provoking and stimulating. I always learn something or gain a new appreciation about something from them.

    Thank you.
    1635 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    Thanks for the food for thought. What am I fishing for today? Not sure. Hmmm....
    1637 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your very deep thoughts. emoticon emoticon
    1638 days ago
    I was reminded of a song that I hummed a lot during chemotherapy and radiation treatments: Hold me fast, let me stand in the hollow of your hand. Here I'll stay, till the storm passes by.

    But as for me, I think I'd really get in the dinghy and abandon ship.

    I have never believed that honoring your father and mother meant to sacrifice yourself on the altar of their abuse. Loving one another is a two way communication.
    1638 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1638 days ago
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