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Struggling with faith

Friday, August 23, 2013

I have gotten lots of comments and messages from people who are praying for Becca and her family. And I deeply appreciate those messages and those prayers. I am certainly praying as well. It's a comfort to know that people are sending so much healing energy to her.

But I'm having a lot of trouble, emotionally, with the "Put everything in God's hands; God will cure Becca" people. I know they mean well, but their version of God fills me with fiery rage.

Because if God is so freakin' clever and all-powerful, why is Becca going through this in the first place? Why was there a tumor at all? What kind of psychotically insecure egomaniac is this "God" person that he's up there thinking, "Wow, I'm feeling underappreciated. I think I'll give this innocent child a brain tumor that will cause her to spend months suffering and put her family through the kind of unimaginable trauma that will lead to life-long emotional scars, just so I can cure it and have a bunch of people appreciate me."

Why would *anyone* want to worship that kind of sadistic lunatic? If I met him, I'd just want to punch him in the throat.

I don't believe that God controls all things in our lives and this is all part of some kind of master plan. I believe that when God gave us free will, that meant stepping back from being a controller, not just of our decisions but also of the world in general. But I believe that we were blessed with a special kind of grace: the power of prayer. I believe that we were graced with an ability to affect events, not hugely, but to nudge them to a better place. We can't pray away a hurricane, but we might be able to diminish its power or "scooch" it aside a little.

We might be able to increase a child's odds of surviving.

And so I am grateful for the power of prayer, and the fact that so many people are praying so hard. But please don't tell me that this is all "God's plan."
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wish I could help. I care.
    1484 days ago
  • JLITT62
    People mean well, but it's so hard to know what to say in situations like this & we often say the wrong thing. Our hearts are usually in the right place - wanting to ease your pain & sympathies, but we still so often say the wrong thing.

    I do personally believe in God, but that doesn't mean nothing bad ever happens - I've certainly seen my share of bad.

    Whatever sustains you & gives you comfort is right for you. I simply pray for a miracle for becca, for strength & peace for your family.
    1491 days ago
    What you are going through makes absolutely no sense at all. It's horrible. I have nothing that can comfort you. Nevertheless I have offered prayers of supplication for you, Becca and her doctors. I hope that you can find some one or something to help you manage this extremely hard time.
    1491 days ago
    I hear you. Totally hear you on this one. I hated hearing that crap when I lost my son to SIDS. I heard so much crap about God, like God wanted him more than me, God had other plans for him, God.... BS I say.

    Now when I talk to others who have lost a child (one was a preemie, the other a young adult in a car accident due to bad weather). I tell them that people are going to say things that hurt you, especially these God things, or the other one "I know how you feel". I told them to let those comments roll off their back and not give much thought to it. As others don't TRULY know what is going on. They don't TRULY know the heartache that goes on when your baby is this sick or after the death of a child. My first bereaved parents meeting I heard the one thing I cling on to this day. That you TRULY DON'T KNOW, until you been there. The story was a guy who lost is niece and at the funeral told his brother "I know how you feel". Years later this guy lost his own son and when his brother walked in the door the first thing he said was he was sorry for what he said at his niece's funeral. Now he really knew how his brother felt. It is a heartache like no other. I lost my mom, my 2 best friends when I was in my teens, then lost my grandmother and aunty in 4 days of each other when I was pregnant with my first born. My heart never ached as much as it did when I found my son and as I planned his funeral and for the years afterward as I came to accept he was gone. It was also said in these meeting that people say these things because they don't know what to say. They think that those words are comforting, but in reality they hurt even more.

    15 years after I first heard those words they still hurt and it wasn't about my own child. I was talking to an older person when we heard that the preemie was taken off life support and passed. I wanted to scream at this person for thinking that way. I walked away and broke down because I knew the earth shattering pain the parents were feeling at that time and that those words would hurt them even more. For a Native spiritual person he sure hung onto church beliefs.

    I am happy that you are there for this family and that those words hurt you so and that you have reached out and said something, sometimes you just don't know what to do in that kinds of situation when your faith has been shattered. I hope my words are some comfort for you. It is ok to struggle with faith at a time like this. I was never raised in any kind of religion and what faith I did have in Native Indian Traditions went out the window the night I held my son's body. Some people cling to their beliefs while others lost faith in their beliefs. Keep as strong as you can be for the family and I hope all goes well with treatments.
    1491 days ago
    Miss G, you are allowed to feel what you feel. It's your life, and you are the person going through this awful part of it. I am hoping for the best outcome for this little girl and her family, and I wish for you the strength and peace to be the loving and supportive soul she and the family need from you. As for the friends and acquaintances who seek to support you, I hope we may all have the compassion and kindness to help you through it.
    1492 days ago
  • OCEAN7
    I know one child who at 3 underwent more than I could bear. She was hours away from death from leukemia. That child trusts God today ( 14 years later) and one thing I can tell you is that that sweet child taught many adults to pray. Every day she lives is a glory to God and a teaching to those of us who watched as she trusted and as God reached out to her. She taught many of us humility. She taught us to trust God more. She taught us to love one another more deeply and sincerely. She taught with more grace than any sermon I've ever heard. Through it all, she grew our faith. Her suffering was not for her sake, but literally blessed our souls in strengthening our faith in God.
    1493 days ago
    I hear you. And I am definitely praying for this little girl and her family!
    1493 days ago
    hugs....I hear you......
    1493 days ago
  • HILLSLUG98239
    People often say the most horrible things when they're trying to be comforting. I've done it myself, I'm afraid.

    My faith was at a low when my first husband died unexpectedly when I was thirty. One fallout of that tragedy was the complete and utter destruction of my religious faith. I just didn't care anymore.

    A few years ago, God started calling me back. I finally couldn't ignore the tug. I'm telling you this because I wish people would realize I did not return to Christianity because of anything a human being did or said: it was all God's work. Christians actually help drive me away from God.

    I still kind of picture God shrugging his shoulders and saying, "Look, I'm really sorry about my kids." I have to believe he kind of wishes we would quit dragging his name into everything.

    My wish for you is strength and peace. I know you're being a great comfort to Becca's parents; this blog is a safe place to vent and air out all those fears and rage. We can handle it.
    1494 days ago
    Prayers for you and the little one and family. Regardless of your view on God, he can work miracles. He did in my daughter when she had open heart surgery @ 4 months old. For us, being unwaivering in our faith in Him, and just knowing that she was going to be OK, it gave us a glimmer of hope. My husband's faith, like yours, was on very shakey ground during her first 4 months of life. He cursed him. A lot. And we had prayer warriors. And she is a beautiful 1 year old girl today. With no medical restrictions, and a repaired heart. And a father who praises God for her and her health every day. We have no idea why it happened to us, why it happens to anyone. But we learned more from this little baby then we had in a life time. She showed what she was made of, what God was capable of, and other people found faith in that. I hope this helps. Again, many prayers.
    1494 days ago
    Just read your past few blogs... and oh, my holy moly. What a bike accident and Becca... ugggh. Sorry, at a loss for words here. So horrible.
    1494 days ago
    I would have to agree with you. If I felt that God was causing someone to go through such pain, I would yell at him and then cease worshipping him completely. I do not believe He is doing that, but I do wonder sometimes why He seems so danged far away.
    1494 days ago
    I agree...Free Will is in the world and so is evil...I think the bad stuff that happens in our life can be used for the Glory of God in the way we handle it and the way we learn from it and what we take from it...God doesn't "do" these things to us they just are because of the world we live in...But we can pray... emoticon
    1494 days ago
    1494 days ago
    I agree with you. I don't believe God looks down and says, I think I'll give this little girl a brain tumor. I believe he is grieving right along with you. Since sin entered the world, his heart is breaking for the pain we are experiencing.

    That being said, I do believe in the power of prayer and continue to pray for her recovery and her loved one's peace and strength through this horrible ordeal.
    1494 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    You need to take up kickboxing or krav maga or muoi thai or some other kind of martial art. You have rage (understandably!) and need a safe place to put it before it eats your insides to a black soup.
    1494 days ago
    I am so sorry your family has to go through this. At times like these, our faith in God is the only thing that helps. Lets look at this in the 50% favorable section. That is better odds than many people have! I will pray for you for that 50%! emoticon
    1494 days ago
    It is perfectly normal to be upset and hurt it is understandable.. but GOD did not do this to her family.. God did not construct the accident what I think people are saying is to have FAITH that God will heal her sorrow it is hard to have faith in something that we can not see or do not believe in that fact.. and yes we do question the fact of WHY? why is this happen? why do I feel this way? and those questions are normal and I can only speak for my self. that when I start to ask the question of WHY?? then I have to realize that there is a reason I may not know now or will ever know.. I have to trust in my faith that there is a reason and I also have faith that we are not given anything more then we can handle and if we feel we cannot handle it then we are given people who can help us handle it.. and the answer is with all the prayers and people who are reaching out.. I know what I just said dose not make sense to you and that is ok.. but what I want to say is that what your feeling is normal..
    because you are not keeping it bottled up. and your expressing your feelings and that is a huge step..

    God Bless you and your family and yes people are praying the power of prayer is strong..

    1494 days ago
    1494 days ago
    1494 days ago
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