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    JOURNEY1986   6,149
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INSANITY, Thoughts, and Update


Thursday, August 22, 2013

Hello my fellow Sparkers!

Today I had a fantastic surprise waiting for me when I got home!!! I stopped at the little town grocery store on my way home to pick up some strawberries and while I was in there I decided to take a look at the prepared foods to see if anything caught my eye for dinner. I passed by a delicious looking display of fresh cupcakes... and I mean DELICIOUS looking. Chocolate on chocolate with a chocolate filling... and I'm not a fan of chocolate but today, man, they looked tasty!

I thought to myself - just walk away. You don't really want them (because I normally never do). Except that today, I did! So I bought them, figuring I would have 1 tonight after dinner and bring the remaining 3 to work for my friends tomorrow (who will be very grateful!) As I'm walking up the steps to the front door, holding these delicious chocolate cupcakes I notice a package on the front doorstep... and literally start doing the happy dance! My INSANITY program arrived - two full days earlier than the tracking number originally said it would arrive!!!!!!!

I was soooo excited. So I ate a cupcake, lol! BUT - I also read through the materials, watched the starter video, and took my fit test. So technically, today was Day 1 of Insanity!!! SO EXCITING!

I made the decision not to tell anyone that I'm doing Insanity. Partially because I want the comments to roll in naturally, I don't want someone to tell me that I look like I'm losing weight or working out of what have you because they know about the program, I want to be sure it's coming from an honest place. And also because in the past when I tell people my workout plans it tends to have a negative effect on me. I know some people like doing it because it makes them feel like they need to be accountable and it motivates them to workout and push themselves. Not me. It makes me feel defensive and like I have to live up to their expectations of what they think progress should be, etc. One of the things I"m trying to work on is not caring so much what others think and to not obsess or let it get to me when I assume someone is thinking about me, etc. So I figured I would eliminate the situation completely. Not to mention, it really drives home the fact that I'm doing this for ME. No one else. I'm doing it for my health, to feel better about myself on the outside while I work on the inside, and to challenge myself.

I took my fit test but I want to wait to post them until tomorrow when I'll also be including my starting measurements and weight. I looked at the training schedule and the first month isn't so bad... I say before I actually start. But I was happy to notice that the workouts are all only 40 minutes long (plus longer for my additional breathing and water breaks, I assume), and there is 1 rest day a week, and 1 day every two weeks in the first month that is retaking the fit test.

Part of me can't wait to get started on an actual workout tomorrow... and part of me is lazy and dreading it. I know that once I do it and get started I love it, I just need to work on finding the motivation to do it. I think what will help me is that I want to get going on a scrap book of my journey/motivations/etc. Right now I have a powerpoint that I add to that consists of role models that are my height and healthy weights, good style, etc. I think I'll make it into a book type thing so that I can flip through it whenever I'm feeling unmotivated or lazy so that I get pumped up!

Tomorrow is Friday. Friday is the day I usually go out with my "friends" /coworkers. Friday is also the day that I never know if I'm going to end up having fun or end up feeling awful about myself. You know what I realized? I don't really like going anymore. The bad outweighs the good. It's a toxic environment for me, depending on who is there. And I haven't gone out in a few weeks for various reasons... and I haven't missed it. Not at all. I haven't missed the drinkining and getting sick, the sweaty sticky club scene, the feeling bad while the guys ignore me and pay attention to the other girl who usually goes out, the guy who tries to pay attention to both of us and is genuinely nice about it but just makes me feel like it's pity attention so he doesn't hurt my feelings, the tired and not so fun drive home after, the doing whatever I can to have a productive Saturday. But honestly... after all that...

and I realize it's selfish and petty of me to feel this way, but I can't seem to help it...

after a few years of being the fat ugly ducking with pity attention or no attention and feeling bad about myself... I have to say, I'm looking forward to the end of this program... and the next program, etc... and the progress... and that moment/feeling of victory of going out to a club with these people and not feel like the ugly duckling. I know this change is for me, and I know that I'm working on not taking too much of others to heart... but I'm looking forward to the tables turning. I think it will help heal some of the hurt I've felt. !

Anywho - it's bedtime for me. Even though it was only a fit test, it was rough! I'm exhausted! Which by the way, is one of my problems with working out in the morning - I'm exhausted all day! Which stinks because I would prefer to get the workouts done in the morning and not have to plan around them at night since i live with family and am on their schedule at night. I'm hoping after the first couple of weeks I might be able to make the change.

Have a Sparktastic rest of your evening!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MSKRIS7 8/26/2013 7:26AM

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WOUBBIE 8/23/2013 8:36PM

    It's a good idea to keep some of this to yourself - the added pressure of thinking you might have to live up to other peoples' standards can really sabotage your best efforts.

You're right to keep reminding yourself that you're doing this for YOU. Focus on this: you are only trying to make your outsides match your insides. The people who love you, love you at any size. The ones who don't, won't, no matter what size you are.

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PATTYKLAVER 8/23/2013 8:08AM

    I'm glad you have something to look forward to - something that will make you feel better about yourself. I'm also glad that you decided not to go out with your friends on Friday nights. It's not good for the soul to keep putting yourself in negative situations.

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NEWTINK 8/23/2013 7:39AM

    Wake up every morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself you are strong and confident and beautiful and it doesnt matter what everyone else thinks ... I call it fake it till you make it and after a few weeks you will believe it and move mountains .... I believe you are capable of anything just believe it emoticon

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SONGWRITER8 8/23/2013 7:25AM

    I love your 4th paragraph. As you go through Insanity, and your healthy journey, keep reading that ! That paragraph alone is a true inspiration ! You are right, you are doing this for YOURSELF and yourself is the only one you have to compete with when you are doing this workout and changing your lifestyle!

Keep tracking your workouts every day. Come to your team site "Insanity for the Ladies", I've posted lots of tips and will continue to post. Feel free to message me with questions or help. This is a tough workout - but you can do it ! I'm finishing month 1 of my 3rd round - so you know I really like it !

I was an ugly ducking (in high school) - it is taking work and sweat but when I went to my reunion (30th LOL) the "popular" guys who didn't notice me back then called me a "hottie". I'm really not a "hottie" - but it was really funny and exciting to hear that. sooo I understand your wanting others to notice and they WILL - just remember though - this is the best thing you can do for YOURSELF ! Push "play" every day. This workout will do wonders for you mentally also. I can't explain that, but it does ! Keep me posted - you can do this !

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1STATEOFDENIAL 8/23/2013 1:23AM

    What if no one notices the changes when you do? Will it aggrivate you or discourage you if you feel people should be noticing but they don't? Some people don't notice changes in the people around them because they're not putting in the effort to notice, and many people will not comment in case they're wrong or will make the person feel bad. So you might notice the changes in yourself after a month but have no one make a comment for 3 months - are you mentally prepared for that possiblity?

Also, a club scene is never what people expect it to be. I've seen very overweight women have creepy guys swarming them because she's drunk and they want to get lucky, while beautiful and sensible women are ignored because they're shy and quiet. Relying on other's reactions, interactions, and attention to you is always a setup for disaster, because you have zero control over them and have no idea what their real intentions are. If you want to go out, do so with the plan to have fun excluding what anyone else says or does. Or don't go out because you choose to do something else instead.

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