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Thursday, August 22, 2013


First.... saw oncologist. Had MRI this morning. The oncologist changed the MRI to be of his brain rather than his shoulder. Want to be sure no cancer cells decided to take up residence there... Another long wait for results.... In the meantime, still waiting to hear from radiation for a start date. Figuring it will be next week, but you never know. Tomorrow we have another appointment up there with pallative care team. They have an agenda.

1. To see what Mark understands about this diagosis and treatment... more specifically... that he understands we are doing pallative radiation for relief of symptoms, not for cure. (That will be a tough pill to swallow.)

2. To go over his pain needs. Right now they have him on oxycodone 10mg every 6 hours, morphine 15mg every 6 hours (offset from oxy), and gabapentin twice a day. They have already ordered senna with doculase to keep him regular and avoid raised ammonia and hepatic encephalopathy. This is in addition to his lactulose, rifaximin, propranolol, oxygen and inhaler. I feel like we have a regular pharmacy here. The will also talk to him about other options like healing touch, chiropractic and massage therapies that may or may not help, but that he would likely have to pay for out of pocket. (The healing touch is offered thru the VA, he wouldn't have to pay for that.)

3. To attempt to get him to go see their pallative care psych doc to try to be sure he's doing ok with all this. I would love to see that happen, but all I can say is... good luck with THAT. =)

SO.. we'll see how that goes. Then next week it's more follow ups with oncology and hopefully get set into radiation routine.

In the midst of all that... today classes start for fall semester. Original plan was for me to take accounting 2, payroll accounting, computer accounting. When we got back results from PET, I went up to school and dropped accounting 2. (Well, also after I got the first email from her to potential class... scared the bejeebers out of me.) Today it's all I can do to even look at payroll accounting. My heart isn't in it. I'm wanting to get online and drop both of the final two classes. I am afraid I won't be able to focus on him and school and still be able to take the time I need for me.

OK... spiritual disclaimer.... if you are not a believer in God, you may not totally appreciate this... so this is your chance to skip it. =)

The other thing that is even more important to me is that right now I feel like I'm spiritually bankrupt. I don't have a church family here, and quite frankly, I don't know that I truly want one. I want my old church back that was in Kansas. And quite frankly... when all this with Mark comes to an end, it's highly likely that I'll be moving back there... just to have my church family back. Yes, it was THAT important to me. I don't know that I'll ever find anything like that ever again. I NEED IT. At the same time, I don't often find myself searching the scriptures, or even bible studies,.... it's take care of him, and when I need a break, I read amish fiction.. cause I do love it. =) But in my head... I want to take this time and take care of him WELL, I want to also take care of ME well... and ... not sure how school fits into that picture at this moment in time. I can always pick it up on down the road if I so choose. =) Might find with some serious soul searching that I might want to change my major.... (so I've already had that thought cross my mind....) ANYWAY....

That is my current frustration... fear of failure.. and in the areas of my life that will long term affect me.... my health,... my education.... my future I suppose.

SO I'm thinking thru these things. I have gotten online and started one of the classes, but the other books I've not even broken the wrap on, so I can return them. I'd appreciate some prayers...

for Mark and this journey that seems difficult right now....
for me that I can find a focus and get with it.....
and for me that I find peace when my heart feels in shambles....

quite frankly... a thought has crossed my mind and it is this... I do not now how I will ever be able to go on without him. He drives me mad, but he's truly the love of my life... even if it doesn't often seem like it... he knows it and so do I..... but... anyway...

Rambling.. time to wrap this up.

Happy Thursday~
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon oh Dawn, none of this will be easy... for me, i'd probably take a leave on the classes. with his care, you will also need extra self-care & tlc, that maybe workout/gym/swimming could help, and maybe you can find a visiting church for fellowship, even if a temporary home, there is joy in praise and worship, and sometimes just peace... stay in the Word, do what you can, and have faith, that you'll have the strength when you need it, as you need it... (((hugs)))
    1613 days ago
    Yes... my church family is great... lots of phone calls and even some hand written letters! =) (I wonder if my grandbabies will know and appreciate the value of a hand written letter as they get older.... =)

    SO that is good... another thing that has been difficult is that my Hazel, an older lady from our church in Kansas that has kinda been like a mom to me since my mom decided I'm.... unworthy.... she's been going thru chemo... well they stopped the next treatment as the last x-rays showed a mass on her lung. ugh. I talk to her on the phone several times a week. =) She's simply amazing. Always doing the next thing with a smile, never questioning. =) Her health otherwise is not good... so this is a wee bit devastating to everyone who loves her. Her take on it? It's a win win for her... either she stays here and spends more time with the ones she loves, or she gets to graduate to home in heaven. =) What a lady! =)

    Today... off to see palative care... we'll see how that goes. :/ For me.. it's time to get it together.. food the last couple days has been horrible... although it's not as many calories as my basis watch tells me I'm burning, it's more than I should be having... and it's stupid things and emotional eating and totally unnecessary. Might have to make some other changes to get me on track. As much as I love curves, I am going to have to rethink that, as my home curves is now closed from 12:30 to 3:30 every day, and that's generally the time I could make it there with all the appointments as of late. I've been there twice this week, and not sure how today is going to look. There's some YMCA programs close to us, just need to check which ones have which options and see if any have any type of circuit training, as it certainly is what seems to work best for me at this point. Although I would have to say water aerobics is sounding mighty fine right now. =) And they have whirlpools and saunas there. That would almost feel like being pampered! =) SO... I don't know.. .my curves membership expires the end of August... (unless she gives me a free month to make up for the month she was closed, but I did get to utilize a different location for that time...) SO... who knows.. alot of decisions to make and the clock is ticking. For now, next step is to get dressed and get to the va for that appointment.
    1614 days ago
    emoticon Will be Praying hard for you both. I do understand how important Church Family is. I cannot imagine going through something like what you are without a Church Family. Can your Home Church stay in touch through FaceBook and Cards? I know it isn't the same as Being There, but it is better than No Family.
    emoticon I am glad that you are taking Care Of YOU too.
    1615 days ago
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