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Tomorrow's Battle

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Well Sparkers, I am trying to be brave.

I am trying to do new things. I am trying to do things that I used to do every day, but I've forgotten how to do, because somehow I lost my sense of self.

Tomorrow, at work, we will have a big shindig. We do this twice a year. I have avoided it like the plague for the last seven years. THIS year, I want to force myself to go. It's ridiculous that I don't go. I started hiding to avoid certain people (see my last blog), and I got stuck in the habit of hiding.

When it boils right down to it, it's my weight. I know that sounds stupid. I talk to folks all the time here on SP who have 100+ pounds to lose, and they see my ticker with its "134," and they tell me I'm being absurd. I know I am...but I just haven't been able to shake it. I'm terrified that people will see me and whisper about how I "let (myself) go."

BUT I want to shake it. So, tomorrow I will go to the shindig. Not only that, but I will wear my size 4 Banana Republic denim skirt. Yes, I know, it's absurd to think that your are grotesquely blubberous if you can fit into a size 4 Banana Republic skirt. I will wear it with a brightly colored shirt...that has HORIZONTAL stripes. That's right. I said horizontal. Those are the dreaded stripes that are guaranteed to make you look fatter. The shirt itself is a loose cut, that flares out at the bottom. My mother would say, "Honey, people will think you're *expecting* if you wear that in public." But I'm going to wear it anyway. (I can hear her voice in my head every time I put that shirt on.) And then, I shall really push the envelope and wear leggings under the skirt, just to add an extra layer of cloth, to bulk me up as much as possible and keep my silhouette from being smooth and slimming.

I even took a picture for you...

The horror!

This was all prompted today by seeing a girl who was wearing bright orange hot pants. She was walking to her car. Not a care in the world...but she must have weighed at least 100 pounds more than me. I saw her, and I realized I wasn't disgusted. Nobody on the street was disgusted. Nobody ran screaming from the sight of her. She was confident and walked to her car, seemingly without a care in the world.

I used to wear elaborate things. I used to be quite brave. Here's an old gem I dug up...

I'd wear that and think nothing of it. I probably had five layers of clothing on in that pic. I remember asking my (future) husband if he thought I looked too bulky. He just laughed.

Back when I weighed 110...I STILL worried about how I looked. I was convinced I was disgusting. But I was surrounded by people who weighed 110, and who all thought the same way I did.

This week, I've been taking stock of my life, and trying to fix all the troubles that have piled up on me over the years. Tomorrow, I am going to do my darnedest to smash one of those troubles.

Be stronger Sparkers! Keep up the good fight!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    OH I LOVE that red & black outfit!! If anything, it makes you look thinner!! Why, you ask? because it has that nice fitted waist and then the skirt poofs out wide at the bottom, so it looks like you have this super tiny gnat sized waist!! I know this because I wore a wedding dress that had the same effect on me, even though it looked like one of those Disney Princess gowns (I bought it at a prom dress store, not a wedding dress store!!)...and I was the same 100+ pounds overweight thent as I am now (ahem. just because I'm lazy.).

    Keeping the eyes busy up at the top looking at your red highlights and horns and earrings or other busy jewelry is an excellent way to keep prying eyes away from looking at the nether regions of your body that you'd just as soon them not be looking at!!

    So obviously the size 4 BR skirt (and oh yea, I'm jealous! it looks fabulous!!) went over very well at your office shindig... (and what's up with your mom and her expected "you look expectant" comments, is she wishing for grandchildren already? She sounds like the mom in "The Meaning of Lila" comic strip...).

    So Shake it, baby!!


    1626 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/9/2013 1:15:25 PM
  • DS9KIE
    Ok if you can wear horns on your head then you can go to a shindig wearing anything....and you are NOT fat (hey you may still have to some weight to lose but you don't look fat) look emoticon
    1644 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/22/2013 3:25:59 PM
    Yep SIRENSONGS, I was a gothic Lolita back when there was no name for Gothic Lolitas!

    Occasionally, I still get dressed up for special things. Like last year at Halloween. I was the belle of the ball, because I dressed in high-goth style.

    I'm 40 now, so it's a little impractical to be a goth girl these days. I have a younger cousin (she's about 20 years younger than me), who when I was moving, raided all my old suitcases filled with gothic, Victorian, and vintage goodies. I didn't let her take everything, but she made off like a bandit.
    1644 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/22/2013 9:49:16 AM
    I totally understand the way you feel. Really. I gained some of my weight back over the past month or so, and I'm scared of seeing people I haven't seen in awhile for the same reason. That they're going to think I'm "letting myself go". Again. Our inner voices are sneaky and treacherous things. They put us down, but really, come on. Why do we listen to that negativity?

    Anyhow, you are being brave, and I get why you are doing what you are doing. I hope your work shindig goes smoothly, and that it helps you overcome some of your insecurities.

    Oh, and I didn't know you used to get all gothed out like that. I LOVE that outfit! Especially the skirts and horns, adorable. I don't get dressed up like that nearly as much as I used to in my younger days, but I still like to goth it up when I go out. I just hope I don't still want to dress like that in my sixties. That might be pushing it a little. Maybe I'll go for the whole eccentric hippie thing then. It's more fitting to the age somehow.

    Good luck today! Knock em dead, and I'm sure everybody will just think you're adorable because you ARE!
    1644 days ago
    1644 days ago
    The platform loafers sound awesome! You'll have to try it out and see which looks better.

    It's all about doing whatever makes YOU happy, and anyone else's opinion is irrelevent. Have a blast (and dish the details after!)

    1644 days ago
    I could possibly change the shoes to some blue, platform loafers.

    And thanks for the vote of encouragement!

    I'm going to keep trying to destroy my fears and do the things that make me happy...and not so much the things that people pressure me to do. It's possible that I might see some big life changes here soon. I promise to provide details as I tackle my troubles and change the way I live.

    1644 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    (OK, I know ---- I just couldn't resist!)

    You ARE strong, and you're gonna rock that shindig tomorrow! The outfit is cute as heck on you, and you know it (but I dunno about the flip flops --- for some reason I'm seeing granny boots with it...) and absolutely suits your personality.

    That's awesome that you're knocking out those fears - nothing feels better than doing something in spite of being afraid. I'll be watching for the update that you had a fabulous time!

    Strong thoughts, always!
    1644 days ago
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