Well Sparkers, I am trying to be brave.
I am trying to do new things. I am trying to do things that I used to do every day, but I've forgotten how to do, because somehow I lost my sense of self.
Tomorrow, at work, we will have a big shindig. We do this twice a year. I have avoided it like the plague for the last seven years. THIS year, I want to force myself to go. It's ridiculous that I don't go. I started hiding to avoid certain people (see my last blog), and I got stuck in the habit of hiding.
When it boils right down to it, it's my weight. I know that sounds stupid. I talk to folks all the time here on SP who have 100+ pounds to lose, and they see my ticker with its "134," and they tell me I'm being absurd. I know I am...but I just haven't been able to shake it. I'm terrified that people will see me and whisper about how I "let (myself) go."
BUT I want to shake it. So, tomorrow I will go to the shindig. Not only that, but I will wear my size 4 Banana Republic denim skirt. Yes, I know, it's absurd to think that your are grotesquely blubberous if you can fit into a size 4 Banana Republic skirt. I will wear it with a brightly colored shirt...that has HORIZONTAL stripes. That's right. I said horizontal. Those are the dreaded stripes that are guaranteed to make you look fatter. The shirt itself is a loose cut, that flares out at the bottom. My mother would say, "Honey, people will think you're *expecting* if you wear that in public." But I'm going to wear it anyway. (I can hear her voice in my head every time I put that shirt on.) And then, I shall really push the envelope and wear leggings under the skirt, just to add an extra layer of cloth, to bulk me up as much as possible and keep my silhouette from being smooth and slimming.
I even took a picture for you...
This was all prompted today by seeing a girl who was wearing bright orange hot pants. She was walking to her car. Not a care in the world...but she must have weighed at least 100 pounds more than me. I saw her, and I realized I wasn't disgusted. Nobody on the street was disgusted. Nobody ran screaming from the sight of her. She was confident and walked to her car, seemingly without a care in the world.
I used to wear elaborate things. I used to be quite brave. Here's an old gem I dug up...
I'd wear that and think nothing of it. I probably had five layers of clothing on in that pic. I remember asking my (future) husband if he thought I looked too bulky. He just laughed.
Back when I weighed 110...I STILL worried about how I looked. I was convinced I was disgusting. But I was surrounded by people who weighed 110, and who all thought the same way I did.
This week, I've been taking stock of my life, and trying to fix all the troubles that have piled up on me over the years. Tomorrow, I am going to do my darnedest to smash one of those troubles.
Be stronger Sparkers! Keep up the good fight!