Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I've been doing pretty well with counting calories. I need to be more accountable with tracking dinner, but my dinners haven't been too bad this week. I've been using my Kindle app for most foods and I am getting back into the groove. Today I did have a cookie from Barnes and Noble...and one of the last brownies from the batch I made last week.
I've been really down this week. I'm struggling to deal with Joe's release from prison (happening in October)- do I amend the no-contact order so he can see Spencer, move closer to us, and be part of his son's life, or do I not? I'm torn emotionally. On top of that, I just can't get Mike out of my head the past few days. It's really crushing me to know he doesn't even care to respond to simple "how's your new job?" texts.... I thought he really loved me, and to know it was just a sham kills me a little each day. I'm trying so hard to stop caring, and I just can't. I don't even know that it's HIM I miss... I think it's just that connection with someone I cared about, that feeling of being loved and loving someone in return, having someone to talk to every night and to dream about the future with... I'm so incredibly LONELY and it's making me miserable. I'm finally living close to the family I love and friends I missed so much when I was in NH, but I just feel alone. Even time with my son, which is precious to me, is a silent reminder of the family structure I've lost and the marriage that failed...
So, couple being really sad with being sick with some sort of evil sinus congestion illness and that's me. I've felt terrible the past few days and I can't sleep, have no energy, and just... really want to curl up and cry. I'm tired of being lonesome, I'm over being sick, and I just want to be happy.
And as a final nail in the coffin, the muscles in my left thigh are just throbbing all the way down to my knee for no apparent reason. I'm about to take a hot bath and then apply some IcyHot before bed... if I can sleep tonight, that is.