Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I am at a brand-new, all-time, highest weight ever. EVER. I'm at my absolute heaviest weight. I know I haven't been exercising or eating the way I'm supposed to, but I had no idea I was actually gaining weight... and certainly not this much. My birthday is on Saturday. I'll be back in my classroom on Monday. I wanted to lose about 20-30 pounds this summer. I had a very LONG summer break, too... three months and two days. Instead I've gained almost 20 pounds. Usually when this sort of thing happens, I spiral into a downward tailspin of sadness, guilt, etc... then it gives me the kick in the pants I need to try again. Today I just feel so numb. I still feel bad... disappointed, mostly. But surprised? Not really. I guess maybe my denial was just so deep that I didn't realize what was going on. But I can see it in the mirror and feel it in my clothes. I noticed yesterday that I was having trouble keeping my legs crossed when we were at the Dr's office.
I just feel so numb. I feel tired. Obviously, I want to go straight to the gym and exercise, but I can't even do that today because my back is still messed up. I won't be able to exercise for at least another week and a half (my chiropractor told me this). She doesn't even want me doing any excess walking right now. Just some stretches. Maybe I could go to the pool, though. That's no impact and I did it the other day for 40 minutes and felt ok for most of it. Maybe I'll call her and ask her if I can do some light swimming. We're also having a dinner party tonight with a very special guest of honor. I'm making an amazing pasta dish, salad, garlic bread, cherry cheesecake, and of course wine. The pasta has lots of veggies in it and is very low fat and actually quite healthy... so that's good. I won't have to feel awful about dinner. I won't do that, anyway. It's going to happen one way or another so I am going to just enjoy it. I was out running some errands a little while ago and started feeling that guilt snowball coming on. I told myself, out loud, "No. You are NOT doing this. You will NOT let this snowball start going. So you are at an all-time high weight. So we had to spend some of that money we've been saving. That doesn't mean your entire life sucks." I have a tendency to let one or two bad things completely ruin my entire day/week/month, so I am incredibly proud that I did not let that happen today.
So now, for the one-millionth time, I will give the pledge to try again tomorrow.