Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I finally went to the doctor about my leg.
She said my exam was normal, what did I want her to do?
I said, well, it hurts -- so obviously there's something wrong. What's wrong, and how do we heal it?
She kept telling me she didn't know what was wrong, and I burst into tears in her office.
Running is how I relieve stress, and I'm in a very stressful time right now. Yet she was telling me not only that I can't run, but that I can't bike, swim, hike, walk, or work out in any way that uses my legs. I kind of understand this, because logic says (to me) that if my leg is hurting from something I injured while running, I should probably stay off of it. But for her to not be able to say what was wrong -- I fell apart.
She seemed frightened at my outburst, and said, "OK, OK, I refer you to physical terapy!" But then she said I'd have to wait weeks to get an appointment so it probably wouldn't help. Nice.
To say I am feeling low is a huge understatement. I cry all the time. I was in Alaska last week (for work), and it was my first time there. Rather than being joyful at the excitement of The Last Frontier, I was stressed out and made terrible choices with my eating, which drove me lower and lower. I saw my best friend last weekend -- it's been almost two years -- and while it was so good to see her, I was preoccupied with this stress coming from every direction.
Much like I know how to stave off emotional eating but don't actually execute those strategies, I know other ways to let off steam. But I'm not doing them. I'm greedy. I want to run. I don't want to turn into this fat wife that my husband doesn't deserve, especially as he's returning from his overseas tour. It's like I'd rather wallow in self-pity (WISP, as my mom calls it) because I've been beaten.
Maybe I'll come around... we'll see. But I won't be burning any calories until then, and the "calories to burn this week" number on my SparkPage is mocking me.