Truth and Fear
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
I have to get something off of my chest: for the last year, I have struggled with bulimia.
It shocks me to think that I could ever experience anything like that, especially since I made it through my entire life without ever even feeling tempted to try and lose weight in an unhealthy way. I have suffered from poor eating and exercise habits and emotional eating, but never something like this. I lost about 75 pounds in a slow but healthy way, but about 2 months into maintenance, something broke.
I was under a tremendous amount of physical and mental stress and had started taking a hormonal medicine for my PCOS that was making me sicker and sicker everyday as well as craving things like mad. I would eat things that I normally wouldn't only to get so nauseous that I had to run to the bathroom and get sick. At some point, I felt like I was in some kind of control and would eat and eat until my stomach was hard as a rock and immediately have to go throw up. Every time I did this I felt worse and worse, but I would eat and eat in what felt like a panic, as if I absolutely HAD to eat. Then the shock of what I just did would set in and a new panic kind of panic would start. I HAD to get this out of me! On top of all of my emotional issues (thank you, bipolar), I just felt like everything was spiraling out of control.
I am so scared.
It seems as though I can go a couple of weeks without getting sick, I'll start to feel strong, then something sets me off in the evening once I am home. Is this something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life? Does this make me a horrible person? I really don't know. I want to be the healthy and vibrant person that I felt that I was.
I am focused. I want to get there again. I have my resolve, but I also have the love and support of my sister, who has given more help than she may ever know. I also have the Lord to be my rock, which I have been letting my illness sit as a barrier between us, letting guilt push Him away whenever I fail. I need to remember, though, that He loves no matter if I am failing or succeeding. He is always there if I only choose to let Him in.
Why am I writing this? Because we always have this face that we show everyone, the person that others think they know. I am not always happy. I am often lonely. I love my family, but we are often never there for each other. I am letting people see a part of me that I have kept hidden and tried to struggle with alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I need support and letting this out into the open is somehow freeing.
Most people will probably not understand. Some people may even be disgusted and push me aside. That's alright. I cannot let my world stop for anyone, though I do understand. This is something pretty heavy and hard to identify with.
I am scared, but I am trying. I am seeking hope and figuring out what my triggers are, how I can avoid them and deal with them. I feel freer just writing this out, though hitting "Post" is already starting to terrify me. Tomorrow I will likely struggle, but I intend to conquer the day. If you will, please say a prayer for me. I both need and appreciate it. I thank the Lord for my loved ones and every "second" chance that I have been given.