20,000-24,999 SparkPoints 23,337

Truth and Fear

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I have to get something off of my chest: for the last year, I have struggled with bulimia.

It shocks me to think that I could ever experience anything like that, especially since I made it through my entire life without ever even feeling tempted to try and lose weight in an unhealthy way. I have suffered from poor eating and exercise habits and emotional eating, but never something like this. I lost about 75 pounds in a slow but healthy way, but about 2 months into maintenance, something broke.

I was under a tremendous amount of physical and mental stress and had started taking a hormonal medicine for my PCOS that was making me sicker and sicker everyday as well as craving things like mad. I would eat things that I normally wouldn't only to get so nauseous that I had to run to the bathroom and get sick. At some point, I felt like I was in some kind of control and would eat and eat until my stomach was hard as a rock and immediately have to go throw up. Every time I did this I felt worse and worse, but I would eat and eat in what felt like a panic, as if I absolutely HAD to eat. Then the shock of what I just did would set in and a new panic kind of panic would start. I HAD to get this out of me! On top of all of my emotional issues (thank you, bipolar), I just felt like everything was spiraling out of control.

I am so scared.

It seems as though I can go a couple of weeks without getting sick, I'll start to feel strong, then something sets me off in the evening once I am home. Is this something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life? Does this make me a horrible person? I really don't know. I want to be the healthy and vibrant person that I felt that I was.

I am focused. I want to get there again. I have my resolve, but I also have the love and support of my sister, who has given more help than she may ever know. I also have the Lord to be my rock, which I have been letting my illness sit as a barrier between us, letting guilt push Him away whenever I fail. I need to remember, though, that He loves no matter if I am failing or succeeding. He is always there if I only choose to let Him in.

Why am I writing this? Because we always have this face that we show everyone, the person that others think they know. I am not always happy. I am often lonely. I love my family, but we are often never there for each other. I am letting people see a part of me that I have kept hidden and tried to struggle with alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. I need support and letting this out into the open is somehow freeing.

Most people will probably not understand. Some people may even be disgusted and push me aside. That's alright. I cannot let my world stop for anyone, though I do understand. This is something pretty heavy and hard to identify with.

I am scared, but I am trying. I am seeking hope and figuring out what my triggers are, how I can avoid them and deal with them. I feel freer just writing this out, though hitting "Post" is already starting to terrify me. Tomorrow I will likely struggle, but I intend to conquer the day. If you will, please say a prayer for me. I both need and appreciate it. I thank the Lord for my loved ones and every "second" chance that I have been given.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know it can be very therapeutic to blog and I hope you feel better getting it off your chest. You are strong and I know you can conquer this. I'm thinking about you!!!! Take care!!!!
    1671 days ago
    Bulimia can be conquered! I used a lot of prayer, taking my need to the Lord. I did not seek or get treatment, just God' help and I've been out of it for many years after being a prisoner for several. God bless you and seek Him for you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1671 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/21/2013 4:07:44 PM
    You have no idea how proud of you I am!!!! I know what it took for you to put this out there. I know having some positive reinforcement will help you. I am ALWAYS here for you no matter what! I know you are strong enough to beat this. We all falter. I love you!!!!
    1672 days ago
  • POPSY190
    I'm sorry you are in this position. I haven't ever reached that stage but I know how it feels to just eat and eat till discomfort and pain set in, an even then not always be able to stop. I hope you feel you can get professional, objective help for this as it is not something to try to deal with on your own. emoticon
    1672 days ago
    Just wanted to commend you for being honest. It takes so much courage to let others see the parts of ourselves that we think will result in rejection and condemnation. I do believe that confession is the beginning of healing and I also believe that you are strong enough to deal with this issue. Please know that you are supported here.

    1672 days ago
    Hang in there. You can get better with treatment. I highly recommend finding a place that specializes in EDs and seeing if they can help you.

    I've been in treatment for BED for a year now, and so far haven't had an episode where I ate myself until I was sick. (Those used to occur at least 3-4 times a year, minimum. They weren't frequent but they were disturbing in just the way you describe.)

    Some of the things are nutrition-related; they insisted that I eat no less than 1500 calories per day because that's a trigger. And some of the things are psychological; I've been working with a counselor on the issues that I've been carrying around with me.

    1672 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/21/2013 12:10:48 AM
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by 1LADYMYSTIC