Tuesday, August 20, 2013
This week has gotten much better. I can finally say that I did not go to bed STUFFED every night. It feels good to go to bed on a light, comfortable stomach and not full to the max! I'm still not really tracking (even though I know it's what works for me) and I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't gone to the gym since I signed up for my new membership almost a month ago. I just cannot get myself out of bed in the mornings and I am POOPED by the time I'm done with work. Of the two options, going in the morning will work best for me, I just need to start going to bed early. The way I've been going, if I got up to go to the gym in the morning, I'd only get 4-5 hours of sleep. I just have to at least be in bed by 10, even if I'm not sleeping.
This month has been really stressful as far as trying to conceive goes. Money is a bit tight and the $1,500 per cycle is getting tough. I have my mid-cycle ultrasound on Friday and I'm thinking of asking the doctor if I can still trigger and get progesterone but skip the IUI. Heck, I've gotten pregnant twice before...I'm not sure it's the IUI that will do the trick. What will help me, I think, is the Clomid, trigger and progesterone.
I went for blood work today to check my thyroid levels and I just started crying in the chair. The poor phlebotomist thought it was because of the blood draw, lol. I just couldn't help but let the tears start flowing as I sat there for the umpteenth time - sleeves rolled, drawing blood. More fertility testing. I'm so ready to never have to do this again. In the meantime, I've hidden 3 more people from Facebook. First is the "omg we're pregnant" announcement, followed by the endless "I'm pregnant so I'm going to complain about it 24/7" followed by the sonogram photos and the newborn photos and then the posts about sleepless nights and crying baby and the non-stop updates about every time the baby takes a poop. I know (I KNOW) how excited these moms are and I know that I can't even imagine how tiring being a new mom is...and I know that they want to share their journey with everyone, but sometimes I just want to comment - hey, I'd give anything in this world to change places with you and have that screaming baby be MINE. Or be that super big, uncomfortable, about to pop pregnant lady. I would do anything in this world to be a MOM. I try really hard to think about what a great life I'm going to be able to give my baby when I finally do have one - all because it hasn't happened until now and we've been able to build a good life for ourselves. We've been trying for four years and I'll try until I can't try anymore.
My husband's work schedule is the worst part of our lives right now. He works so late and sometimes doesn't even come home because he's at one of the far-away locations. Yesterday he came home at 11:00 pm and went back to work at 1 am, worked through the night and is now going to work probably until midnight again. He is working so freaking hard. But if it all works out, in November he'll be making more money that we could have ever dreamed of AND he'll have a normal 8-5 schedule. In the meantime, though, it's a rough road.
Work is ok. I'm having a hard time with one of my bosses. She's such a nay-sayer. As far as she's concerned, I'm always wrong. I've been working on a really interesting case that has been progressing over the past week and I finally had enough to work with that I had a diagnosis and she just laughed at me. I purposefully called a neurologist for a consultation when my boss could hear my phone call. When I got off the phone she asked what the neurologist said - basically she came up with the same diagnosis as I did. So I was right. My boss still thinks that dog has rabies. Really? A vaccinated dog who lives in a condo and goes nowhere has rabies? Really? Because he's frothing at the mouth??? He's frothing at the mouth because he has a neurologic disorder that means he can't swallow - hence he drools and froths at the mouth because he can't swallow his saliva. UGH. I had another patient I sedated to look in the back of the mouth to see if something was stuck there - said I found something and my boss, from across the room (busy with her own patient) just yelled out, "it's just mucous". Oh, really? Are you over here looking in the back of this cat's mouth, or am I? So I pulled out the 1-inch string of grass seeds that sat on her arytenoids and ignored my boss. But she just automatically dismisses anything I say. This happens all day long and she does it in front of other people. I'm sick of it.
I just keep telling myself this job is not the end-all or be-all...I can always get a new job. This is something I can change when the time is right. Heck, if all works out with my husband, I may not have to work at all :) I would never give up being a vet, but I could do what I want without worrying about the money - I could work at a shelter, or part-time, etc. I'll have more choices.
On a better note, my house is clean, dishes done, laundry done :) yay :)