Monday, August 19, 2013
It was really rough. I guess that's a typical word in my life right now - "rough." I dont really think I can find a better word to use these days. I emailed my PCM on Friday to find out about getting a referral to the mental health clinic on base to talk to a counselor, and also to get blood work done for a physical assessment - amazing we dont really get medical physicals in the military on any sort of regular basis - you'd think theyd want to know if you are medically healthy, so I figured it was a good time to just get some blood work done to make sure everything is alright. My mom had it done recently so I thought I might as well do it, too. Anyway, I have an appointment to discuss a physical in mid-September (gotta love those super fast government medical care appointments!) and was told I can just call the mental health clinic on my own and get an appointment. I didnt get around to it on Friday, though.
Instead, I spent a good hour arguing with a lawyer at the Air Force Academy, and then was in such a horrible mood, I had to physically leave my office to calm down. That helped a bit. I kind of spent the rest of the day in a daze. I know I left early and had planned to go to the gym, but I felt so lethargic that I just went home instead. I spent the afternoon/evening working on my cross-stitch project, and then J came over later in the evening.
I barely slept at all on Friday night, so when my alarm went off at 4:15am, it wasnt agonizing to really get out of bed since I was pretty much already awake. I left my house by 5am to drive up to the Aurora Reservoir and I was really looking forward to my 16 mile run. Unfortuantely, after driving an hour and 15 minutes, I arrived to find out everything was closed because there was a triathlon taking place there that weekend (both Saturday and Sunday). Major bummer. So I turned around and drove home. I got home a little after 7:30, but couldnt bring myself to run then. It was going to take about 3.5 hours to run 16 miles, and if I started then, it would be 80 degrees by the half way point, and I didnt want to run in the heat. The last few times I've run in 80 degree weather I've gotten a bit sick. Plus, I was now exhausted from like no sleep and having driven 2.5ish hours round trip. I ended up bursting into tears minutes after I got home and had a mini-breakdown because of work. I couldnt stop crying. I felt so completely out of control. J just kind of stood there shocked, I think. I pretty much blurted out all of the emotional difficulties I am having with my job, and he was supportive, but told me I need to talk to a professional to get help for everything that I am going through, which I know. He ran out to the store, bought me two different kinds of over the counter sleep aids and a sleep mask so that I would hopefully get some sleep. I took a short nap, and then met up with him at the Academy. He was giving a friend and her daughter a tour of the cadet area, so he asked if I wanted to tag along. It was a nice distraction, even though I still felt completely out of it. Afterwards, I went home and slept for about 2 hours before getting ready for our dinner plans.
Earlier in the week I had made dinner reservations at the Mona Lisa Fondue Restaurant in Manitou Springs - we really enjoy going there, but its so expensive, so we can only go if we have a voucher or coupon! We had yummy strawberry salads, a new world cheese fondue, and a traditional protein platter - beef, chicken, salmon, and shrimp (I dont eat shrimp - more for J)! We also got a milk chocolate dessert fondue and split a bottle of Pinot Noir. It was a really nice dinner. And after dinner we drove out to our old base to spend time with J's old neighbors in housing. They were having a potluck street party. We had a good time and I know J was really happy to see his friends. But we didnt get home until 11pm, so yes, I was ridiculously exhausted. The thought of waking up at 5am to run made me want to cry. So, I took the sleep aid that J bought me and didnt set my alarm. I felt like I really needed to catch up on sleep, and if I woke up early enough to run, then ok, but I wasnt forcing myself.
And I didnt wake up early enough to run. By the time we got up it was 9am. (Side note: we never sleep past 7am on a weekend, ever). Guess we both really needed sleep. So, I missed out on my run. It was in the high 80s by 10am. We lounged around the house for a while and then went to Red Robin for lunch. I went grocery shopping, picked up dog food for Buffy, and then spent the day cross-stitching. With the amount of time I put into this cross-stitching project, you'd think I'd be done by now, but this one is seriously complicated. It's 8"x10" but the entire size is completely cross-stitched. Its going to take forever! I also got some reading in last night before going to sleep. I took the sleep aid again last night so that I could ensure a good night sleep before work this week.
So now I have missed 2 weeks of running (and 2 long runs). At this point, I'm 2 weeks behind on my training plan, and while I could rework my training plan to just barely make it for the marathon, I would do so risking injury. I've trained poorly and gotten injured before, and its not worth it - especially for a first marathon. I'm a bit bummed, but I'd rather play it safe. So I am not going to run the Nike Women's Marathon this year. They dont allow you switch down to the half marathon. I'm out $200 for the race registration, but the trip itself was going to cost around $1300 between airfare and hotels (how is San Francisco more expensive than Disney World?!). I'd rather not spend that much money and not get injured. The Rock & Roll Denver Marathon & Half Marathon is the same weekend so I am thinking about registering for the half marathon in Denver instead. Also the weekend before that is the Atlantic City Half Marathon which I had wanted to run so I might register for that one instead. Either way, I am going to keep running, but I'm not going to try to increase my distances when I know I'm not prepared for it. In fact, I even registered to run a 5k while I am home in NJ next weekend!
This morning when I got to work I called the mental health clinic and after speaking with a very nice intake women, I was able to get an appointment to see someone tomorrow morning. I am fairly certain that I am experiencing vicarious trauma, which I know is a huge risk-factor for my job. I just didnt expect that I would personally experience it. I like to think that I am stronger than that. And I told J I was just completely embarrassed, but he said there was no reason to be embarrassed and I listen to horrible things everyday. I understand that. it's hard to admit that you need help sometimes... So hopefully this appointment tomorrow will help.
I am definitely feeling stressed again this week - I have a bunch of stuff to get done before I go on leave on Friday, and I want to get it all done so that hopefully no one will bother me while I am gone. I will probably not get that lucky, but I can at least try to minimize it! I finally have all of my vacation plans finalized, though. I booked a hotel for this weekend in Orlando for my friend's wedding. I decided on a different hotel than the one that has the wedding guest rate, because I wanted to stay somewhere nicer. Military discounts help with that! I also booked a hotel for my friends wedding in NJ, and got J's travel to NJ taken care of, also. And my mom booked rooms in Atlantic City for us next week for two nights. My leave schedule basically looks like this:
Friday, 23 August - fly to Orlando
Saturday, 23 August - wedding
Sunday, 24 August - fly back to Colorado
Monday, 25 August - fly to NJ
Tuesday-Thursday - Atlantic City
Friday, 30 August - Yankees baseball game in NY
Saturday, 31 August - 5k in the morning, pick up at J at airport; possibly Six Flags at night
Sunday, 1 September - wedding
Monday, 2 September - fly back to Colorado
Very excited! Now if only Friday would get here sooner!
Planning to get in a run after work today, and then visit the quilting shop again to pick up some additional fabric for some projects - I have patterns for making an ipad/kindle sleeve, and a laptop sleeve - perfect for travelling, if I can get them done before its time to leave!