i see my last post was back in December. that's a long time. i used to blog every day. but i can't go back there and i can't get stuck there. i must move forward.
i weighed myself today. i'm at my all-time high: 233. i'm not shocked. i've been hovering around 230 for a few weeks now. this is the biggest i've ever been. i thought 219 was bad. 219 is looking like 150 right about now. LOL
at least i can laugh about it. having a sense of humor has gotten me through some dark moments surrounding my weight. and when i really think about it, it's not the end of the world.
i saw this on Facebook and it changed my perspective as soon as i saw it:
i HAVE fat. i AM NOT fat.
a simple shift in my thinking changes my whole outlook. i don't have to torture myself, especially when it comes to food. i HAVE fat on my body. saying "i AM fat," is something deeper. it implies that being FAT is a state of being - MY state of being. i have internalized this ever since the first time someone called me that in grade school. i've been running away from it ever since. now i see why it has been so difficult to do that. if being fat is who i AM, then how can i run away from who i AM? no wonder fat always found its way back to me...i internalized FAT as my state of being. this is how i defined myself; so it was so easy for others to hurt me with this word. i'm not a proud "BBW." i'm beautiful and a woman. i just happen to be big because of lifestyle choices and bad habits. i used and abused food and developed a weird relationships with it.
seeing FAT as this "thing" I HAVE rather than what i AM gives me freedom. it will still be work, but i can focus on who i AM rather than what i HAVE with respect my fat on my body. i can take responsibility for it with ease. sure there were events that caused me to go to food for comfort, which caused fat on my body. it is not, however, my permanent state of being. i don't have to fear gaining it in the future provided i make a decision on what i want to BE.
i want to BE a healthy person at a healthy weight. i want to BE confident. i want to BE a risk taker. i want to BE fearless. i want to BE a successful, wealthy business owner. i want to BE an inspiration to every person i meet. i want to BE light. i want to BE happy.
and those are just the highlights.
so let me start changing some words....i AM a healthy person at a healthy weight. i AM confident. i AM a risk taker. i AM fearless. i AM a successful, wealthy business owner. i AM an inspiration to every person i meet. i AM light. i AM happy.
things are starting to percolate. i'm grinning. i'm not thinking about food in this moment. the comfort must be in knowing who i AM. i don't have to be afraid of food or being anything less than what i DECLARE myself to be.
i'm so happy i stumbled upon that Facebook post. i HAVE fat and if i want to get rid of it, there are things i can do to achieve that. but fat is not who i AM!
i'm smiling now.