If Not Now, Then When--If Ever?
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Well, I've been back on the exercise track for just about six weeks now. I've lost 8-ish pounds and am starting to feel and notice little, welcome changes from the way my clothes fit more loosely, to the decreased "creaking" sound my knees make when climbing stairs, the increase in flexibility and the overall desire to eat less crappy foods.
Success is inevitable if I remain persistent and consistent this time. I know what I have to do. I also know I'm more than capable of doing what I need to.
The thing about hitting rock bottom is it forces you to think, "if not now, then when, if ever?" I've had more than enough set-backs, and while I'm sure there will always be set-backs, the one thing that makes THIS time feel profoundly different for me is I've never truly had the chance to start my life over before.
I'm living on my own for the first time ever. The wheels were barely in motion a year ago at this time. These last l2 months had plenty of life-altering moments with the initial separation, leaving a job I felt trapped in, reconciliation, moving my dad into assisted living and realizing that a close family member is no longer trustworthy and able to be a part of my life.
Then the reconciliation attempt failed, I moved out of the house I lived in for 10 years. I was was lucky enough to return to a job I never really wanted to leave and that has been an absolute blessing. I get to work with amazing people again and in the sea of uncertainty, that has become my life; this has proven to be the beacon of security and pride that helps me keep it together in those moments when I doubt myself.
I knew with all of these big changes coming at me from every direction, now was the time to return to taking care of myself. Its a bit of a shame that I let things slide after a promising start of re-embracing fitness and health last year, but, I also feel I was in no position to maintain momentum when so many things were falling apart around me. Its very difficult to stay focused on self-care when you feel as though you have so little control of your life.
Having said all that, I can now say I am getting that sense of control back. Maybe control isn't the right word...maybe its more of having a sense of direction and undergoing a kind of rebirth. And knowing when its time to let go of what doesn't work anymore--this has been a huge awakening.
Whatever it is, I'm so glad I am here.
And so begins this next chapter.