Sunday, August 18, 2013
I am rarely emotional about my own accomplishments. Most of the time I let things about me just kinda go. You can say I have lost over a hundred pounds and to me it is just a thing. Ok so I have lost all these 80 inches across my whole body is it really that big a deal. So I have lost two complete feet around the circumference of my hips. But to me it is about making the change. I live eat breath sometimes I bleed cry and a lot of sweat to get it done. But I dont think that I have ever realized to yesterday just how far I have come in this. I see the numbers but I had never had that true moment where my world stopped and i just had to adsorb it all in.
Yesterday morning I got up just like any other morning laid out my training clothes packed my gym bag and had my coffee. Talked to Jon and was feeling great not such a big deal it is just another morning. My gym doesnt open till 730 on Saturday so I decided that I was going to our beach for my walk jog training. So I set out to beach get there get out thrown on my head phones and start out. There is a group of guys already playing football on the beach and a few walkers and a couple of joggers.
I set a decent pace for the walking. it is misting rain off and on and it is the darkest minutes before the sun comes over the horizon. I am walking and then I am jogging. at 3/4 mile a test to my phone that say I love you so I smile and back to walking . I get to a mile and a quater when the sun breaks through a single beam of light bright, This is where the peaceful tranquil moments take on an earth shattering meaning. the run part is getting tougher but i push on. In these moments I thought you know this is how it all started some two years ago.
In my darkest hour I lay a self hating invisible damaged mess of a human. Upon realizing that I knew I had to do something. So I started slow doing what I could. Learning along the way how to keep pace and breath in rhythm to the process. The hardest step was getting started but once started something clicked inside and the process was born. Like with the jogging there are moments that are harder than others but like with the process I know that if i push through those moments I will succeed.
At 2 1/2 miles at the last leg of my jogging my muscles are screaming at me . I am soaked from the sweat and it starts raining harder. I stop and look out over the water and the rain cleanses me of in quick shower. As I realize I have traveled not only the three miles of the training but the process that has led me to my awesome achievement of changing who I was. I am no longer a a mess of a human being. I am now a strong and confident person who has traveled through a lifetime of pain and humilation and some how I have found the strength and belief that I could be more than my past said.
I so wish I could tell you this process is easy and exciting. But in all honesty it is exhausting, tough and at points very boring. There are moments that you clinch to like your life depends on it and other times when you are like a robot and just do it. There are lots of woo hoo moments and even more damn i wish i had done that different. There are days when you are the only one that thinks you done something spectacular and there are moments when you wont see what the big hoop la is all about. However as stood shaking and crying in the rain reliving all the process the two words that i know that will never be part of my journey is unforgettable or regrettable.
Some of us have a long way to go to get to where we need be while others only have a short distance but the journey will always be worth what you put into it.