I got all the usual housework, yardwork, and errands done. I was exhausted.
I needed rest badly. I felt down. After being so perky just a few days ago, I felt a bit wacko.
So I tried to review my situation. I had felt an underlying fear that eating more fat and whole grains and getting away from diet food was going to make me fat. I had the sense that my waist band was getting tighter. So I decided to weigh myself and measure my waist Sunday AM, as a reality check (will report results with Sunday plan). I decided that sleep was a priority. I ate too big of a snack at 4:00 PM but then didn't even feel like eating dinner, so just ate the meat. Then I had a minimal bedtime snack and went to bed about 9:00 PM.
I tried to think through how I got to this point of exhaustion. Well, on Friday I had increased my walking to 5 miles and added some strength-training that was totally new. Why, I asked myself, did I keep trying to do "more?" Why did I feel that this was really necessary?
The root, I believe, came from comparing myself to others and feeling that I needed to keep pushing so I could have a sense of worth. Who am I comparing myself to? Women in my friendship circle, relatives, women on Spark. How was I feeling? Inferior Why?
Because I didn't measure up to them. ...........let me count the ways.
Can't run as far, as fast, as long, as often....and heck, I only WALK!
Can't lift as heavy weights as they do.
Can't handle as much stuff as they can in their lives......they work f/t, etc. etc. etc.
Don't keep up my house, yard, style, family gatherings, cooking, crafts, education, photos, technology, fun vacations to exotic spots all over the globe like they do.
Yes, we could go on and on forever. Yes, even as a dyed-in-the-wool people-pleaser, it is not lost on me that this self-torture could be exhausting.
Plus, there is nothing in my life that gives me positive feedback. I know my husband loves me, but he basically doesn't say much nice stuff to me. I get about 2 compliments and thank you's in a year. You know, no news is good news. If you're not getting criticized, consider that things are OK. Apparently romantic efforts are no longer appropriate (I mean, once you catch the fish you don't have to keep baiting the hook, right?). I've tried to convey to him what I need, but apparently saying nice things to people sticks in his craw. He is the same way with his kids (grown now). So where do I get the goodies to keep me going? Or maybe I shouldn't even need them? Would welcome suggestions on that topic.
I so get where you are right now. I usually feel like I am running to catch up to my friends and their lives. We live a slow and quiet, retired life and while I enjoy it, I am jealous of my active friends. My DH is wonderful, but, like yours, compliments are torture for him as is affection , no a days. Time was he was attentive and adoring but now, not so much. How do we get the attention we so need? I hope someone has some ideas as I have asked and had many heartfelt talk already. It tends to get very lonely doing this on my own so much. I am here for you though and we can talk to each other and build each other up at least.
My hubby is similar. I have decided that that is who he is and no matter how many times I tell him thrive on affirmations from him, he just doesn't get it. So, I started looking around and noticed I actually was getting positive feedback from others, and at the same time realized that I can give myself positive feedback. My own affirmations help me appreciate who I have become. But when you get the goodies from others, they confirm what you know to be true.
My real confidence that I am valuable and valued comes from my faith that God loves me completely. 1434 days ago
I agree with others here. Sometimes husbands need asking or reminding. Try to figure out when he responds best, and do your asking then. Does he kiss you and hug you sometimes? Maybe smile and ask him in that moment why he felt like doing it. He might not be able to put it into words, but if it makes him think, that's at least a start. 1435 days ago
There are some things in this world that are evident truths or natural laws or whatever you want to call them. They don't need explaining, they don't need permission to happen, they simply are. And one of those things is this: YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. Not the "right" to feel happy - but happiness in and of itself. We all do! Even your husband. It is your job - if you will - to look at your life and ask: Am I happy? If the answer is "no", then it also your responsibility to change what needs changing. Nobody can know your relationship with your husband quite like you can. You know his morals, his ethics, his likes/dislikes, what brings him joy and what doesn't, etc. And after all these years of marriage, he should know you and yours too - better then anyone else ever could. Even though you have tried to convey to him what you need, he clearly has not heard you. There is a big difference between "hearing" and "listening". You know? So maybe the thing to do is sit your husband down and ensure there can be no distractions. No telephone, no texting, no television, no company, no children, no pets, no nothing. Just you and him. When you have his undivided attention, tell him what you need and ask him to repeat back to you. If he is able to repeat it, I'd say that's a sign that he understands. The question then becomes, will he do what you need? I'd ask him that as well. Once you've had this frank discussion with your husband, I think you'll be better able to answer your question. I hope you will remember that the solution to any problem is never - ever - to go against the laws of nature. In other words, sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of others is NEVER ok. I wish you the best as you continue on your journey. I know you can do this. You can. Be brave. 1435 days ago
I really think this book has a lot of good info about the ways people show love and how sometimes, people that love each other don't show it in a way that the other understands, perhaps your husband and you don't speak the same language.
Wow, you have been moving like a busy bee; no wonder you are tired! Definitely get some rest...ASAP!
Re: Your Husband My opinion is such, maybe he was raised with not receiving compliments/positive feedback so he does not do the same. Some old dogs are not able to learn new tricks. I do think that no matter who you are, ALL humans need positive affirmations and compliments! I think your, "You know, no news is good news." is a way to accept it yet it is a bit unhealthy in that you still have a desire for those kind and positive words so not having them creates an empty void which can spill over into something else in your life.
Why does romantic efforts have to be no longer appropriate? Do you desire them?
When you all go out, after getting all dolled up, I would ask him how he thinks you look? I would just ask him since he is not ready to say things or just on his own. Yup, I would just randomly ask him, "honey, how do I look today?"
He might get annoyed...then that is your way to share why you ask him when you would, sometimes, like for him to say without you asking!
We all need compliments every now and then! I think you are valid for your desires! 1435 days ago
Great blog: I "liked" it because you express so clearly and poignantly an emotional state which I believe underlies a whole lot of weight issues especially for women (and ties right into your comment on my "Level 18" blog today!)
Once we get out of school (no more "A's" or student council awards) and our parents are no longer telling us how great we are (if they even did, mine not so much) and our spouses are past the "courtship" stage (if they ever were in it) -- women are socialized to keep on giving and nurturing not only to their kids but to their spouses and churches and communities and . . . there is no end. Plus at the same time women are now supposed to hold down significant jobs and look like super models and entertain like Martha Stewart: and we feel judged all the time. Because we are. And we feel like we fall short all the time. Because we do: it's impossible to meet that universal standard. Which is of course what keeps us trying . . . which works pretty well for others, to sustain our anxious servitude. Yeah. But not for us.
Spark is set up to give recognition in a whole lotta different ways, including the "levels" for points earned and awards for attendance and Spark Trivia and . . . countless others, really. But the biggest source of recognition here is I think the "non-institutional": the spark friends commenting on blogs and offering congratulations and goodies and . . .
But still: Steve Siebold says that the most dangerous addiction is addiction to the approval of others. If he's right -- and I think he might be -- it's very helpful to give yourself credit for everything you are doing right. Approval of you by you.
You went for the walk. You chose the fresh raspberries instead of the donut for dessert. Every day, at least one thing! Like putting on your own oxygen mask first in the plane -- we can only heal ourselves from the lack of approval and recognition by beginning to meet our own needs.
And as for DH? He might never change, that might be how he was socialized (did his dad offer compliments and praise to his mum?) But you can be a little subversive if you want!! Treat yourself to the bouquet on the kitchen table, and if he notices it and asks say "Thank you, that was so thoughtful of you!!" And if he says, "But I didn't send it to you . . ." you could reply, "Well gosh, I assumed it was you!!"
I also find with guys it helps to talk less about needs and to show more: they learn better by demonstrative action!! So . . . what is it he would like, a new fishing lure? When he does something terrific, like expressing his devotion the way guys do (tightening the oven door? there's gotta be something) you could praise him lavishly, and get that lure for him . . .
It's kind of interesting, actually and it may help to think of it humorously as a communications failure between species! We've gotta learn to "talk guy": and guys have less motivation to learn to "talk gal" but it's possible . . .
Dear friend, compared to many others you are QUITE special. I know no one, for example, who has your type of interest in intuition and spirituality. I very much enjoy that. I also feel that compared to most at SP, you're very honest and open about your thoughts and actions.
Is it really o that nothing is giving you positive feedback? (I just proved you wrong! lol). But seriously, can you also come up with A. a list in what ways you are BETTER and NICER than most other people and B. with people or situations that do offer you positive feedback? Because sometimes our thoughts are stuck in 'negative' and we forget. Maybe you do not need goodies to keep going... (in reply to your question). You can of course always find motivation in yourself, in the end. But compliments sure HELP. Have you made a 'new year's eve jar'? A nice jar or box - every time something good happens, or you accomplish something, or you get a compliment, write it on a slip of paper and re-read it on New Year's Eve. Or on any rainy day!