Sunday, August 18, 2013
I got all the usual housework, yardwork, and errands done. I was exhausted.
I needed rest badly. I felt down. After being so perky just a few days ago, I felt a bit wacko.
So I tried to review my situation. I had felt an underlying fear that eating more fat and whole grains and getting away from diet food was going to make me fat. I had the sense that my waist band was getting tighter. So I decided to weigh myself and measure my waist Sunday AM, as a reality check (will report results with Sunday plan). I decided that sleep was a priority. I ate too big of a snack at 4:00 PM but then didn't even feel like eating dinner, so just ate the meat. Then I had a minimal bedtime snack and went to bed about 9:00 PM.
I tried to think through how I got to this point of exhaustion. Well, on Friday I had increased my walking to 5 miles and added some strength-training that was totally new. Why, I asked myself, did I keep trying to do "more?" Why did I feel that this was really necessary?
The root, I believe, came from comparing myself to others and feeling that I needed to keep pushing so I could have a sense of worth. Who am I comparing myself to? Women in my friendship circle, relatives, women on Spark. How was I feeling? Inferior Why?
Because I didn't measure up to them. ...........let me count the ways.
Can't run as far, as fast, as long, as often....and heck, I only WALK!
Can't lift as heavy weights as they do.
Can't handle as much stuff as they can in their lives......they work f/t, etc. etc. etc.
Don't keep up my house, yard, style, family gatherings, cooking, crafts, education, photos, technology, fun vacations to exotic spots all over the globe like they do.
Yes, we could go on and on forever. Yes, even as a dyed-in-the-wool people-pleaser, it is not lost on me that this self-torture could be exhausting.
Plus, there is nothing in my life that gives me positive feedback. I know my husband loves me, but he basically doesn't say much nice stuff to me. I get about 2 compliments and thank you's in a year. You know, no news is good news. If you're not getting criticized, consider that things are OK. Apparently romantic efforts are no longer appropriate (I mean, once you catch the fish you don't have to keep baiting the hook, right?). I've tried to convey to him what I need, but apparently saying nice things to people sticks in his craw. He is the same way with his kids (grown now). So where do I get the goodies to keep me going? Or maybe I shouldn't even need them? Would welcome suggestions on that topic.