Saturday, August 17, 2013
Just a warning, this isn't completely meant to be a depressing blog, more so to get some stuff out of my head and explain why it fueled me today.
I had a rough night last night. I've been feeling lonely lately, and of course, hormones aren't helping it. I was lying in bed scrolling through FB last night, and feeling like everyone on my list is getting into relationships, getting married, having the wonderful little families that I always wanted.. What I tried to have, but that blew up in my face. I mean, who the hell gets married at 17, turns into a chain smoking alcoholic at 18 to deal with her cheating abusive alcoholic husband, then becomes a single mom at 19 because he bailed when she said she wanted a divorce after the kiddo was born? Oh right, that was me. I know the past is the past and I can't change it, but the crap I went through at such a young age haunts me, and it probably always will. I had music on, and was just laying there sobbing. One of the songs that came on that will ALWAYS get to me is "Stupid Boy" by Keith Urban. If you haven't heard it, listen to it, or look up the lyrics. The whole song he is talking about basically a guy that destroyed a girl. "You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans". Before I met my ex husband, I planned to join the military after graduation. I wanted to travel, I wanted to make a career for myself. I wanted to learn to live on my own, to support myself, to learn how to be an adult. Instead, I graduated and got married, moved away to a place where I knew no one, and headed down a dark and devastating path. Now I'm here, 23 years old, working at a crap retail job, still having to have my parents pay most of my bills because I don't make enough to support myself, trying to raise a child alone, and lets face it, probably going to end up being alone forever because what guy is going to want a girl with as many problems and issues as I have? It's to the point where if I even meet a guy that I'm interested in, I write him off because I convince myself that he won't want anything to do with me past friendship. I don't give myself the chance to get my hopes up, cause they always get crushed. It's pretty awful, but its habitual by now. All these thoughts were going through my head for a good portion of the night, so needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.
This morning, I had to force myself into a workout because I skipped Zumba (was at 8 am and I opted to sleep instead). I chose to do HIIT 25 from TurboFire. All through the workouts, Chalene is always encouraging you to push harder, to tell yourself how strong you are, to talk to yourself and tell yourself that you CAN do it. And that's what I was doing through the entire workout. And halfway through, in the middle of jumping lunges, I started crying. Not the bad kind of cry, more of (I think) a proud yet disbelieving cry. My prat of an ex may have stole everything about my innocence, my personality, my dreams, my hopes, my plans, my life.. But the one thing he was never able to take from me was my determination. My will to want to be better. My stubbornness that forces me to do what people say I can't. My desire to succeed. The fighter in me is still there, and even though she is still buried under the rubble and trying to claw her way to the surface, she IS THERE. She is gasping for air. She is screaming that she will succeed. She is throwing her middle finger to everyone that has ever mocked her, ever pushed her down, ever said that she CAN'T. The world may not see the fight that's inside of her, but she is finding it. She will force herself out of her comfort zone in order to see the results she wants to see. Before long, the world will see her and not recognize who she is, for she will have changed for the better. She won't let anyone hold her down anymore, not even herself. She will push, she will strive, she will get what she wants, and what she deserves. And no one will tell her she won't, or that she can't.
This has been a horrid week, both emotionally and physically, but I'll be damned if I will let anything stop me from finishing strong. Make the best of this weekend lovely Sparkies.