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Marathon Training Weeks 16 and 17: Saying Goodbye

Saturday, August 17, 2013



I found an old letter today written to myself, from myself. It was written 10 yrs ago about releasing a relationship in my life that wasn't healthy that I needed to release. But at the time I was coming from a place of fear. Fear of moving forward in my life, fear of starting a family. Fear of making mistakes. I was paralyzed with it.

In the note I talk about how I never fully feel "complete" and so I look for things to fill the void in my life. That I am "reaching for the impossible", and want things to be perfect.

But nothing other than God can fill this void. That's why it's been called a "God-shaped hole".

In the letter I also wrote that the answer lies within myself.

"I am the problem, I am the bomb ready to go off."

The letter continues: "I am still searching for myself, lost beneath all of these extra layers of skin, eating more to cover it up...I am at a cross roads and only hope I can stay on the right path. These are the moments that change our lives."

10 yrs later and I've finally released that relationship. I've shed over 100 lbs. but I still need to go to my source, God, to fill up continually so that I don't feel this void and look for things outside of God to fill it up.



I work in the city. When I commute there is a five minute span of time when the train is in a tunnel and it is dark. you cant get phone reception, music doesn't work, cant see out the window, and I feel claustrophobic. This is how living in the darkness feels. I can't wait to get out of that tunnel and back into the light.



I once took a bible study based on the book by Kay Arthur, "Lord, Heal My Hurts" and she compares to holding onto our past like walking around with a skeleton shackled to our feet. That's what we do when we walk around with past guilts, past relationships, past sins. God loves us as we are; nothing is a surprise to him. Once we confess our sins they are forgiven and we are free to walk in victory and enjoy the peace that comes with that freedom.


I felt so free here.

In church this past Sunday the pastor read a poem about addiction that really spoke to me. It started out with:

"Addiction is the perfection of slavery."

And continued on...

..."I have become my own enemy...no one but me to blame...

I am calling the shots...
Opened the door to the forbidden.

I have all the keys but stay in my cell
I am a saint but am in my own hell
I set the trap
I know where to go

No flowers bloom
I have become the perfect slave

Oh, God, can you set me free?

Who is our King?
Is it us?



Now that I don't have this distraction in my life I am turning to food and drink, to my old ways, vs. God, I'm in another type of bondage. My unhealthy relationship was a perfect escape from my stressful job, being a busy working mother to two young daughters. Now I've found myself returning to my old habits. I need to return to my source, to God and his word which nourishes me and is my source of strength.



Last weekend was the 10 mile lakefront run. I was fortunate to meet other Team World Vision runners. We were put into pacing groups and I met many wonderful people. Most notably, I met a woman named Chris from Moody Church, we ran and talked about God's great mercy. It was such a joy to run alongside her and realize how far I have come, and how loved we all are. I closed my eyes and remembered a time when running was foreign to me. A time when I was morbidly obese, on a road to an unhealthy life. I thanked God for the ability to run, and to run for such a great cause. I am so blessed.


Chris and me





During the week I got all my runs in, which is difficult with two young daughters. But I did it.


Picture I took on a local 7 mile run, the fog looked beautiful.

Today was the longest run yet, 15 miles! I ran with my running partner Caitlin by my side and I am so proud of us for how far we have come. I came home and took my first ice bath, which can help with sore muscles the next day. I also used the foam roller. I feel great, though! Team mates were commenting on how happy I was and I couldn't stop laughing. It was awesome. The runner's high :)


Me with Caitlin



When we walk in light, darkness is eliminated. I want to walk in that light.

Next week - 16 miles!



Bible verses/quotes:

"Behold, I am The Lord, the God of all flesh,
Is anything too difficult for me?"
Jeremiah 32:27

He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.'
Job 33:28

"Whatever you are going through, good or bad, it will draw you to Jesus." - Kay Arthur



Prayer:

Lord, I want my heart to be fully yours, all the time. I long for you to take the sorrows out of my heart, to make me lighter in heart and spirit. I long to not yearn anymore. To not yearn for things I don't have and shouldn't have. To live within my means, but also have a pure heart, a heart that lives for you and you alone. All good comes from you. I know you are a God, my God, who makes the impossible possible. Only you can take away this hurt, this emptiness, this longing, this false love, this utter heart break.

Amen



Plato once said, ďMusic isÖ wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.Ē I've been listening to inspirational Christian music on my runs and it has truly transformed them. Inspirational music changes you.

I want to end this blog with some songs, which to me while running are more like prayers:

BE THOU MY VISION

This prayer began as a medieval Celtic poem in the eighth century, but it wasnít translated into English and put to music until 1905, by Mary Byrne.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soulís Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor manís empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heavenís joys, O bright Heavenís Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Words: Dallan Forgail (8th Century)



SAY GOODBYE - Mandisa

To the voice to the liar in the mirror
Sayin you can't ever change
To the guilt that's sittin on your shoulder
Always keepin you locked in chains
To the past that you can't undo
To the pain that you're walkin through
To the small and the big mistakes
This is what love wants to say

There is grace that you can't imagine
There is love that you can't out run
There is peace that you can hold onto
When your world is comin undone
You don't have give into the fear
Don't have to have let your story stop here
And when the hand tries to pull you back
You don't have to back, you don't have to go back

This is where it starts now
Hello
Hello
Everything can turn around

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
You're not the one you used to be

In a moment, here's the moment
Where you say goodbye




LET THE WATERS RISE - Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's cavin' in
And I try but I can't control my fear, where do I go from here?
Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away
But I am willin' to go where You want me to and God I trust You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

I will swim in the deep 'cause You'll bein' next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God, You know where I've been and You were there with me then
You were faithful before, You'll be faithful again, I'm holdin' Your hand

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

God Your love is enough, You will pull me through, I'm holdin' onto You
God Your love is enough, I will follow You, I will follow You

There's a ragin' sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You



REMIND ME WHO I AM - Jason Gray

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I cant remember what grace is

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I cant receive Your love
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You
To You

I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love
That will be enough, I'm the one You love

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You

Link to the video:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v
=QSIVjjY8Ou8&desktop_uri=%
2Fwatch%3Fv%3DQSIVjjY8Ou8



TEMPORARY FILLS- Mandisa

People goin on and on
They don't know what they got wrong
This world won't keep you satisfied
You gotta buy this
Wear this, drive that car
'Cause that's the kind of thing
That makes you who you are
But don't keep throwin that my way

No more temporary fills
I want a love that's real
Take everything I have and fill me up inside
I'm done looking for the quick fix
Jesus your love is all I'll ever need
No more temporary fills

I've turned every rock and stone
Gone everywhere there was to go
But I only felt better for a while
'Cause nothin can replace you
Erase you from my heart
And that's the kind of thing
That makes you who you are
Your the reason I can say

No more temporary fills
I want a love that's real
Take everything I have and fill me up inside
I'm done looking for the quick fix
Jesus your love is all I'll ever need

And nothin temporary could ever make me
Feel the way you do
'Cause what you've given to me
I know that it will last my whole life through

No more temporary fills
I want a love that's real
Take everything I have and fill me up inside
I'm done looking for the quick fix
Jesus, your love is all I'll ever need
No more temporary fills
No more hidin



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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIFE-FAITH 8/19/2013 4:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
jean

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THEADMIRAL 8/19/2013 4:08PM

    Beautiful! The blog, the poems, the hymns, and Beautiful You. Keep fighting the good fight. emoticon

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INSPIREBYNATURE 8/19/2013 3:51PM

    ADORE the pictures! I read the text version via email but the pics really add to this!!!! I am SO proud of you. Not turning to food is so hard...you are doing amazing honey. I love you!

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PRESBESS 8/19/2013 1:19PM

    Outstanding blog! I'm jumping on to YouTube right now to listen to some of the songs. Also, I love the 7 mile run picture... breathtaking.

Run on my sister in Christ... run on.
emoticon

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RUNNERRACHEL 8/18/2013 1:13PM

    Wonderful blog! Beautiful how God fills our needs and helps us through all circumstances, even the ones we were complicit in. Thanks for sharing your powerful realizations, your awesome training feats, and your struggles.

Great job on the training! God is using you mightily! Keep up the great work! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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UNICORN212 8/18/2013 11:44AM

    Powerful blog!

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LINDAKAY228 8/18/2013 10:50AM

    I just love this and the other blogs on how your spiritual journey has been linked to the physical training. Great songs there. I love the song, Remind Me Who I Am especially, which I have on my playlist also. Thanks so much for sharing your deeply personal journey with us. You are aweome! And you are blessed!

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14JESUSGIRL 8/18/2013 10:45AM

    Great blog! Congratulations on your success and hard work. Praise the name of Jesus! Through Him we CAN do it!
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MIPALADY23 8/18/2013 10:28AM

    Awesome messages in your blog, thank you and Congrats!

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GETFIT2LIVE 8/18/2013 7:02AM

    It is amazing to me how much God can speak to us and bring healing in our lives as we run. He is so good . . . blessings to you as you continue to train and lean hard into Him for the strength to keep going and to learn from Him.

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GRACEISENUF 8/17/2013 4:59PM

    emoticon , thanks for sharing your heart and the amazing grace of God.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus".

Philippians 1:6

It is finished and we can rest in the victory of the cross.

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