It's early Saturday morning. I'm feeling very calm and serene right now as I sit here writing....waiting for the sun to come up. When I look back over the events of just the last 24 hours, I am at a loss for words at describing the huge range of emotions I went through.
I know, intellectually, that it's normal to be upset when you hear information that seems "life threatening" at the time, but I'm just amazed at how quickly I can go into a tailspin. Yesterday, I had a couple things happen that brought such tailspins on. First, the scheduler for the surgeon called about getting my port put in. Chemo starts in 10 days and the scheduler was telling me that the surgeon was booked up until after I had two chemo infusions scheduled unless I called and moved several other tests around so she could work me in on Tuesday. We were on the phone about 20 minutes over this and I could just feel my fustration levels hitting the ceiling while I was also going into a panic about getting the veins in my arms torn up from chemo. I think I'm going to need those veins!
After I got off the phone, I figured out who to call at Vanderbilt to get all this resolved for me (a helpful nurse). Sure enough, she told me she would get it all straighten out. In less than three minutes, the schedular called me again with a sudden opening in the schedule on Friday. Whew! You could scrape me off the ceiling and scoop me off the floor. All was right with the world again.
A little while later, I got a call from the oncologist's nurse telling me that they had scheduled an appointment for me with an endocrinologist due to a node on my thyroid that had been discovered on an MRI and then later measured on ultrasound. When I met with the oncologist, she said my ultrasound had turned out okay on my neck. After hearing this info about the appointment, I decided to pull up the ultrasound report on my medical record at Vanderbilt's website. It said that I had "multiple lesions" on both sides of the thyroid with the largest being 3.2 cm. That's bigger than the lump in my breast! In a heartbeat, I was back into "OMG, I'm doomed!" mode.
I knew there was no way I could research this without scaring myself to death. I have a great SIL that is doing research for me so I sent her the info from the report. I also told Jim about the report. Both of them came back with very encouraging research. Turns out it's very common to have these lesions and most of the time they are not cancer. I'm sure they will want to biopsy it and probably run some other test on my thyroid. I also realize that there's nothing I can do about it if it is cancerous. It's not really going to change the treatment since I'm getting chemo to treat my entire body. It is what it is.....whatever it is.
That one took some more emotional regrouping......
After all that, a friend happened to send me some encouraging information about some research. Now, I was back to normal again. I had hope....
Amazing to me how quickly I can cycle through so many emotions right now. I know it's normal at a time like this....but it's still amazing.
I want to write about the good things that happened yesterday.
First, the nurse that told me she would get it worked out....was such a blessing.
Second, I went to my first yoga class in several years. It was heavenly!
Third, I had a great talk with the yoga instructor afterward (she remembered me from before).
Fourth, my husband, Jim, continues to astound me with the depth of his love.
Five, other than for about four hours in the afternoon where I was on that emotional roller coaster, the rest of the day was actually very pleasant and filled with gratitude.
Life is good.....very, very good!