Friday, August 16, 2013
Depression has once again sneaked into my life. SNEAKED...weird word??? Whatever! Snuck isn't a word??? Maybe not so much sneaked as BELLY FLOPPED! Seriously, how can someone who has suffered from Bipolar all their life not see depression???
I'll tell you how. It didn't come in with a flag or banner. It didn't even come in waving it's arms. It didn't fly in screaming, 'I want to DIE' like it did when I was young. It didn't even go to that place I used to call my 'dark pages'. Referring to my journal that horrified anyone who read it! Nope, it just came in & sat down next to me on the couch! The couch that now has my permanent butt print on it!
What's weird is I have absolutely NO idea how long I've been depressed. A month...at least. 6 months?...Maybe. A year...I think so! In September to December last year I was trying mood stabilizers. Why? IDK! I mean, I know, but it seemed more circumstantial. In December I was suicidal from Lamictal. I have no doubt it was the medication! I haven't even considered suicide in YEARS! My son deserves way better than a mom who would steal herself from him!!!
The great thing is that 2 days ago I decided I was depressed. Yesterday I went to my Dr. I'm already on a new anti-depressant. Yep, I don't fool around! I was on Zoloft for 16 years. On the highest dose they give for more than half of that time, so they weren't going to do anything with that medicine for me. Sara (My Dr) had never heard of 16 years on the same anti-depressant. Pristiq is what she decided on. They have to be VERY careful with my stomach! In fact, today I'm having heartburn. I sure hope it isn't the new medicine. I just want to switch meds! i don't want a year of trying new junk that's just going to make me sick, but not change my depression! I think that's a HUGE part of me not admitting I was having symptoms of depression this time!
I still believe attitude is a giant part of overall mental health. People say they had a bad childhood. I've know maybe 3 people in MY ENTIRE LIFE who didn't!!! SERIOUSLY...we all had bad childhoods! Get over it! I'm not saying that to be mean! I'm saying it so we quit letting ANYONE ELSE have ANY control over us! Think about it! Your ABUSER is STILL ABUSING YOU!!!! I am not allowing it! EVER! I WAS a little kid! I'm a grown woman now....FEAR ME!
Oh, weird side note! I asked Sara to look at my weight over the last year. I keep saying I fluctuate between 135-145. That's NOT entirely true. In April I was 137....EVERY OTHER MONTH in the last year I have weighed more than 140. The month before I was 146. The month after I was 144. So.....WHY DO I FEEL SO HUGE????