Friday, August 16, 2013
In therapy, I was talking about some of the things that made me not like me so much. What made me want food for comfort...
I said that as a child I liked to play as someone else, use another name when I played by myself. I hated myself that badly. I was a fat, out of control hog, who was loud and obnoxious according to my parents. After my dad died in front of me when I was 8, my mother informed me that he was the one who wanted children and now she was stuck. She wished she could divorce me and she liked the dog better. WOW. A lot. This was really the first time I could verbalize all of it. So I'm sharing it here because I want you all to know the real me.
Food was always there through all the deaths I've suffered through, through all of the physical and emotional pain, through the abusive relationships, to the unfaithful ones...
But what did the abuse of food EVER do for me?
It made me fatter.
It made me hurt more.
It made me feel ashamed.
It made me feel out of control, like a monster.
It made me feel less successful, less worthy, less lovable.
It kept me locked in my house for over a decade.
It took away my ability to walk.
It stole my friends.
It mocked me and called me at all times of the day and night.
All for a blissful few hour food coma. Hmmm, was it worth it? NO!
i am and you are worth so much more. Let's not comfort ourselves with food.
Let's learn new ways. I always tell you everything I know from the bottom of my heart n soul.
I will continue to try to help anyone who reads my blogs and aspires to get better.