Friday, August 16, 2013
Today I am feeling so very thankful! I'm thankful for SparkPeople Community in general, and my Spark partner, PUREHEART_315, in particular. This is what I was always lacking, in all my previous efforts at changing my lifestyle and losing weight/getting healthier...community.
As someone who learned growing up that the only person I could count on was ME, it's a revelation to me to discover (so belatedly!) the real help and love and support that is out there for me, if only I am willing to risk letting it in. It feels like a risk, when you've learned through hard example from an early age that you don't dare rely on anyone. That people, no matter what they SAY, will not be there for you. After a lifetime of that, it's easy to decide to avoid the pain of being let down by deciding (as the old Simon and Garfunkle song went...)"I am a rock. I am an island!" And, as it goes on to say, "A rock feels no pain...and an island never cries". That was my belief, my port in the storm, my firm conviction...need no-one, and never be hurt again. I thought it worked well for me. I patted myself on the back for being so independent. I remember when I was about 12 years of age, an aunt remarking to me, "I never worry about you. You always land on your feet." Although I smiled back at her and pretended I took it as a compliment, my heart broke a little more, inside. All I could think was, "You never worry about me?! I'm just a KID! No-one ever worries about me! Can't any of you see how lonely and scared I am, underneath this brave face I show you???" But I kept it all inside, and never let on the hurt I felt. "Safer" to be alone with my pain, or so I thought.
That huge stone wall I built around my heart and my self began to crumble about 7 years ago, when I accepted Christ into my life as my savior. But somehow, I kept the wall intact for everyone BUT him! I would let little doors slide open now and then, experimentally. And slam them shut and run like crazy if anyone actually showed signs of wanting to come inside. I was afraid. And the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is FEAR.
As time went on, the Holy Spirit continued to chip away at my defenses. Sending me little messages via books that somehow came to my hand, or things people said or did...my big strong walls began to soften, the mortar crumbling slowly.
It's taken most of my life to get to this point of being willing to risk kicking that wall down. Opening myself to what lies outside the wall. And to realizing, at long last, what my heart always knew: I DO need other people. I need ALL of you! I am NOT a rock or an island. And thankfully, I don't have to pretend any more.
Thanks to all of you for being a part of my journey. Not only to becoming thinner and healthier, but saner and happier, too.
I couldn't do it without you!