Friday, August 16, 2013
So have I made any positive steps toward my weight loss goals?
Well, the most noticeable change in my behavior is that I eat way less. Somehow, someway, all those messages about slowing down while you eat, chewing more, breathing, drinking and putting less on a smaller plate have sunk in. I've learned to stop eating when I'm full or just about and to not treat food as my delicious anti-depressant (doesn't work). I have my off days where I will avoid food for most of the day and then eat a lot later, but those days are few and far between now.
Mostly, I'm starting to really love myself and appreciate who I am. Ironically enough, I've learned this through my mother. It makes me truly appreciate the impact a mother's love or non-love can have on a person. Since I stopped living there, my mother and I have become closer than ever. I visit her at least three or four times a week and we talk on the phone. Mostly I just listen to her talk. That frustrates me sometimes but when I began to understand that my mother is a hurting person in need of healing, I learned to get rid of the anger and open myself up to be her support system. I figured she needed somebody to listen to her feelings. And I think she needs for me to understand where she came from, how she grew up, to understand why she behaves the way she does toward me and others. I can even understand her relationship with my brother better because I can see that her own brothers became father figures for her when her own father abandoned her. Makes since that she would be closer to men than women.
But mostly I see so much of her in myself...and I'm okay with that. I think I didn't like it before (therefore not liking myself) because I never really understood her. She just seemed mean, bossy and self-centered. She is those things, but it's for a reason. It's always for a reason. Accepting her for who she is has opened the door for me to accept who I am.
I cherish the differences now. I appreciate my finer qualities. I've wanted to love myself so badly for so long and could never do it. It just goes to show how amazing God is that he would orchestrate things to bring me closer to her, something I thought would never happen.
So, with that said, I have a new image of myself. I've decided that being skinny just isn't for me. The doctor at the weight loss clinic said I needed to lose 200 lbs. I'll be okay if I don't make that goal. If I get three-quarters of the way, I'd be overjoyed. See, now I understand that the decisions I make for my body should come from me. I've always wanted to do this my own way, and so that's what I've done.
I'm still writing, for those of you who know this about me. I'm still working on my novel while going to school. It's challenging to find time but things get done eventually. I use the energy I get from being happy and I go for walks around the building I work in (it's a huge warehouse) and I spend a lot of time stretching. Sometimes I'll ride my stationary bike.
Mostly I'm trying not to make this a THING. I'm not going to be coming here every day to post my minutes or track my food or anything. I'm not going to talk about it the way I have in the past and I'm not going to follow anybody's diet rules. I'm just going to live with these new feelings and doings. I'm going to let the process be organic.
When I start tracking and explaining and apologizing...well, I'm not living organically then. I'm still DIETING. I don't want to diet. I'm just going to live for my physical happiness and my emotional happiness. I'll come around because you guys are a wonderful support team. I'll let you know what I'm up to. This isn't a goodbye. I guess it's my final explanation regarding my weight. I just can't explain myself anymore and I don't want to. There's no prize to be won here, no monster to fight. It's just me working through my issues and coming out better on the other side.
So with that, I leave you for a while. I'll be back soon.