Friday, August 16, 2013
When I was younger, my mother treated me as if I was a living virus. She never loved on me or kissed me or told me that she gave a darn about me at all, this continued into my teenage years and just got worse. She was mad at me for everything that happened in her life. She blamed my real dad for it and always talked bad about him, trying to make me hate him as much as she did. My brother and sister got everything they wanted and they had a mother and father that were there for them pretty much whenever they wanted. I had to beg my mother to let my dad see me and when she did she would get mad at us both and verbally assault us as a team. I did live with my dad for a little bit until my mom came and picked me up one day and said that I had to move back home with her. Well, after a few weeks of that, I decided to runaway from my mom's to my grandmothers and mine and my mom's relationship kinda had a stop in it. She doesn't tell me she loves me anymore and I really don't expect it from her anymore. I was abused as a child by my paternal uncles and I told her and she said it was probably my fault. I have a lot of guilt and abandonment issues because of the way my mother treated me as a child and still as an adult.
Now to the present... My sister got married a few days ago and I am happy for her and her new husband, but I saw a picture that just put a knife through my heart. My sister lives in NY and everyone had to fly up there to see their wedding. Seeing my mom with my sister and my stepdad just put a daggar through my heart because I have never had that feeling ever before in my life. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because I have never felt like I have belonged anywhere for any reason whatsoever and that is so hard to explain to people. I do alot of emotional eating because I don't know how to otherwise express my guilt or feelings about anything at all. I keep everything bottled up until I can't take it anymore and then it explodes with me having a panic attack or suicide attempt. When I think of looking at that picture, I feel worthless and hopeless and feel unwanted.
I know that am wanted but it is hard to see the forest through the trees, if you know what I mean. I have shed a few tears writing this blog entry but I think it is what I have needed to do for a very long time. Thank you for your support and listening to me.