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    MCQUEEN_STEPH   6,819
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Blast from the past, but totally all about my present...


Friday, August 16, 2013

When I was younger, my mother treated me as if I was a living virus. She never loved on me or kissed me or told me that she gave a darn about me at all, this continued into my teenage years and just got worse. She was mad at me for everything that happened in her life. She blamed my real dad for it and always talked bad about him, trying to make me hate him as much as she did. My brother and sister got everything they wanted and they had a mother and father that were there for them pretty much whenever they wanted. I had to beg my mother to let my dad see me and when she did she would get mad at us both and verbally assault us as a team. I did live with my dad for a little bit until my mom came and picked me up one day and said that I had to move back home with her. Well, after a few weeks of that, I decided to runaway from my mom's to my grandmothers and mine and my mom's relationship kinda had a stop in it. She doesn't tell me she loves me anymore and I really don't expect it from her anymore. I was abused as a child by my paternal uncles and I told her and she said it was probably my fault. I have a lot of guilt and abandonment issues because of the way my mother treated me as a child and still as an adult.

Now to the present... My sister got married a few days ago and I am happy for her and her new husband, but I saw a picture that just put a knife through my heart. My sister lives in NY and everyone had to fly up there to see their wedding. Seeing my mom with my sister and my stepdad just put a daggar through my heart because I have never had that feeling ever before in my life. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because I have never felt like I have belonged anywhere for any reason whatsoever and that is so hard to explain to people. I do alot of emotional eating because I don't know how to otherwise express my guilt or feelings about anything at all. I keep everything bottled up until I can't take it anymore and then it explodes with me having a panic attack or suicide attempt. When I think of looking at that picture, I feel worthless and hopeless and feel unwanted.

I know that am wanted but it is hard to see the forest through the trees, if you know what I mean. I have shed a few tears writing this blog entry but I think it is what I have needed to do for a very long time. Thank you for your support and listening to me.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MCQUEEN_STEPH 8/17/2013 1:00PM

    Well I called my mom today to try to get her address for her birthday card, but she ended up turning it into a everything is my fault conversation. I am totally done talking with her. I will send her birthday cards and what not, but I can't talk to her anymore because all she wants to do is emotionally screw me up.

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CHRISTASP 8/17/2013 5:22AM

    That is very, very good of you to write about this. May it support your healing process.
I think psychiatric diagnoses like 'borderline' and 'bipolar' are really given to people who are sensitive and went through traumatic experiences. You certainly did.
I can imagine that that was so hard for you to watch. Still. If your mother treated you differently than she did your brother and sister, this means she has personality faults and we can wonder just how 'real' or sincere her 'love' for the other two is.
I know from experience that it is so very hard to accept that a parent has this type of flaws and is really incapable of giving the love and showing the respect you really need. Still as we mature, we may be able to take a distance from them and realize we are our own person with our own value and stand on our own feet.
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LAURIEMM76 8/16/2013 10:11PM

    As a mommy all I want to do right now is hug you, hold you real tight and let you know you ARE worth it. I'm sorry you were raised in that manner. Have faith and believe in yourself. Don't focus on that picture. Focus on you, and you are strong, and you are beautiful, and you are deserving. Remember that always.
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LARISSA238 8/16/2013 4:58PM

    *hugs* I was abused by my stepbrother growing up. I never told my stepmom because of the same fear. I was working on forgiving him in therapy but it was just too hard for me. Forgiveness for me, not for him. If I can let it go, then that's great. But you have to forgive to let go. I hope you can forgive not only your uncle but your mom, too. I have BPD too, so I know how it feels to not belong. I'm having that trouble in volunteering right now.. I just don't feel like they need me (even though they do) and I can barely do anything. *hugs* you can get through this!

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WALLPER26 8/16/2013 9:40AM

    So sorry for what you experienced in our childhood. No child should have to go thru that. I am a single mom and product of a divorced home. I know how important it is to keep a connection with your Dad when he is not in the house. I hope you are seeing a professional to help you out. I wish it was easier for all of us to "get better."

That being said, remember you are part of a huge community of people who care and support you now. You are loved.

Just saw your past blogs..will read them too. emoticon

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