Thursday, August 15, 2013
Today was rough. I battled food thoughts all day and banished my inner superhero when they arose. I made a PURPOSEFUL decision to wallow. And that resulted in a very unwise dinner choice. I blew my calorie count out of the water today...all after 6:30pm.
Today, I gave in...I caved to uncertainty and frustration. The good news is...this is so different from the new life I live 99% of the time. This does not feel good. This is not where I want to wake up tomorrow. I have already begged The Blonde Bombshell to come back and issued a sincere apology for sending her away today.
I have been avoiding a particular calling of late...out of fear, embarrassment, doubt...or perhaps all three. But tonight I verbalized to Ray what's been going on inside of me and where I believe all of this awakening is leading me. I said it out loud to him and I'll say it out loud right here.
I am supposed to teach, to share, to lead the willing to the Light.
I actually do this already at the Soap Box, but with the prospect of that path coming to an end, I believe there is another path about to be revealed. One without a veil or a curtain covering the true intention of the Message. Soap is how I get them in the door...lolol. Then they get the light and love :-). Maybe it's time for the Light and Love to be at the forefront? I don't know. I actually have NO IDEA how this will be accomplished. But I also realize it's not my job to know...and it's not my job to accomplish it. To whom much is given, much shall be required... I have been given the keys to the Kingdom...as have we all. For me, this gift seems particularly acute. I do not believe that gift is to be wasted.
I practice 'doing not-doing' :-) I wait for the path to reveal itself. My job is to simply follow... And tonight, with tears in my eyes as I type, I accept and surrender...
I will stop fighting that direction. I will go where I am called, and I shall walk through whichever door opens.