Thursday, August 15, 2013
Yesterday I ate and exercised according to plan.
I am, as I said, increasingly aware of moments of choice. I am trying to make better ones. e.g. If I really feel hunger, late at night, I am trying to make the thing I'm eating healthier.
If I need to snack, I am trying to limit the scope and contents of the snack.
Today, I felt compelled to eat a snack. There was a gnawing hunger. It made me uncomfortable.
It may be I have been so immune to real hunger signals that this is the way for my body to get my attention. Not sure if it's that or compulsion to eat to numb/dull feelings. Hard to tell at this point.
I am wondering, could the feeling of compulsion be the work of self-sabotage, and if so, why? What is so frightening about eating when I'm actually hungry, and not using food as a band-aid? What will happen if I keep noticing the choices and making better ones?
I'm not sure.
All I know, is that being this close to raw feelings has been very scary, producing lots of anxiety, and is about as much fun as dental work without Novocaine.
I know I will not always make good choices. I'm also aware I may slip back into old habits.
One thing I can tell, is that making a better choice at every place I notice I have one, is the key. Even if I have made 1 poor choice or a string of them, I will have another choice to make soon, and can start fresh from there.