That's what my emotions did to me today. Yesterday they hugged me, whispered comforting words into my ear, told me to remember the good times. Today, they betrayed me. (Thank you for all your support on my previous blog, btw, it really means a lot, and it means even more after what I'm about to tell you.)
Yesterday I sent an e-card to my step-mom, with a simple message that I was thinking of her. Why did I do it? Because it was the truth, I was thinking she would be having a hard time of it. I had really expected at the very least my step sister would send me a message and tell me I was on her mind. We both loved my dad very much. I posted the article she wrote about him on Father's Day.
I heard nothing from ANY of my step-family. Not. Even. A. Facebook. Message. Step-mom read the e-card today, around 5:15. I got an e-mail about it from the website I'd sent it from. It's now 3 hours later. No response from her.
Emotions have always been a complicated thing for me. My adoptive mother really screwed me up in that regard. I was told not to cry "crocodile tears". I was made to feel I shouldn't get upset about anything, because it was my fault she was so miserable. She never actually said those words, but people don't need to be blunt for a kid to get the picture. I was taught to feel nothing but guilt.
So you can imagine that figuring out my feelings today would be difficult.
First, I'm angry. Angry that the group of people who are SUPPOSED to support me, because they're SUPPOSED to be family, ignored that I existed. Not a single one of them knew my father HALF as long as I did. Apparently, when I lost my father, I also lost EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE. They all have each other. I'm not important to them. Fine.
Second, I feel guilty for being angry. It won't solve ANYTHING to tell them how I feel. It will just make me look like I'm the difficult, angry step-daughter. I'm outnumbered, even with my husband backing me up. I have never and I would never go out of my way to hurt someone else's feelings. I may do it accidentally, or because I'm not thinking, but NEVER on purpose. I have been doing my absolute best to treat my step-family with love and respect, and they dropped me like a hot potato. Granted, I'm not perfect, and when my dad got remarried I was difficult. I was "losing" the one person in my left who NEVER found fault with me. He loved me UNCONDITIONALLY. Shouldn't we all fight tooth and nail for such love? She made him happy, and I respected her for that. Why can't I get the same respect?
I want to yell and scream at them, tell them how much they've hurt me, and how disappointed my dad would be at their behavior. But what freaking good will that do? It will only cement in their minds the horrible person they have made me out to be in their minds. I feel like there is nothing I can do which will make this easier for me. Every action except inaction will make it harder for me.
I am a strong person, and I have a strong personality. But that doesn't mean I'm not sensitive and that my feelings don't get hurt. That brave face is put up as protection.
Please understand, I hate saying this because I don't ever want anyone to think I'm using it as an excuse, but adoptees have abandonment issues. They have 'abandoned' me. What's worse, is that I don't think they were ever really there for me to begin with. I think it was faked. I think I was "put up with" while my dad was alive, and I convinced myself they were family. I lied to myself. It makes me so sad.
I always look for the best in people, even if my brain tells me I'm not going to find it, my heart convinces me things are going to turn out well. My brain is usually right.
You guys here have treated me a thousand times better than these people who were supposed to be my family. I really appreciate each and every one of you.