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ADARKARA
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Remembering Dad & Figuring Me Out

Tuesday, August 13, 2013



My Dad died one year ago today at around 2pm EST of a massive heart attack.

I miss him every day, but remember him in my heart and in the words that come out of my mouth at strange times. When I was young, my dad and I used to go into NYC to see a matinee on Broadway. Every time we would walk out of Penn Station he would look up at the skyscrapers and say, in a thick hick accent, "GAW-LEE look at them tall buildins'!" (Now, my dad was born in Atlantic City, NJ and lived in NJ all his life, so tall buildings were not odd to him, he just liked to be goofy, and I loved that about him.) So today I'm remembering him.

As for figuring MYSELF out... every time I spend time with my birth mother, I realize more and more how much of my personality comes from her. It strange actually. My strength, my ability to just keep on trucking no matter what happens, comes from her. She said something that really struck me. We were talking about how upset people get about certain tragedies, how full of rage and despair people get. I mentioned how I am saddened by these events, but move on from them rather easily, particularly because they usually don't affect me personally. She said she's the same way, "because there isn't a damn thing we can do about it." Meaning, we can do nothing to go back in time to prevent these things from happening, so we just need to move on.

I wondered this morning why I am not more distraught today, why I was not disabled with heartache from missing my dad. And I realized, it's because there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't my fault, and I couldn't have prevented it.

THERE IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE.

So I move on.

My step-mom has chosen to almost cut ties with everyone she knew. I drive by the street where they lived EVERY DAY on my way to work. I'm still living my life. I have to. There's no other option. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v SIMONEKP
    emoticon
    1073 days ago
  • v KENSHO
    Hugs to you.
    1073 days ago
  • v KELLY19770
    emoticon
    1074 days ago
  • v LIVINGKERRY
    xo strong lady.
    1074 days ago
  • v CELAMANTIA
    Sorry, my system hiccuped and double posted...
    1074 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/14/2013 12:50:14 AM
  • v CELAMANTIA
    (((hugs)))
    1074 days ago
  • v CELAMANTIA
    (((hugs)))
    1074 days ago
  • v SUEPERWOMAN


    Hugs to you, honey. Your Dad had a sweet, special girl.
    1074 days ago
  • v DAWNSJOURNEY
    His connection to you no-one can take from you....all those memories and all the Joy is yours..Stay positive and know how proud of you he would be ...

    Hugs and love...remember the joy always,
    Dawn
    1074 days ago
  • v STEPH-KNEE
    emoticon
    1074 days ago
  • v MISTY_MOUNTAINS
    emoticon
    1074 days ago
  • v STRONGDJ
    Your dad sounds like a very special person. I'm sure he would appreciate the fact that you do keep living your life and making the most of the time you're given here.

    Your birth mother sounds very wise too.

    My mother died unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 50. I feel like I didn't get nearly enough time with her, but I cherish every moment we had together and she lives on in my heart.

    Thinking about you and wishing you all the best.
    DJ
    1074 days ago
  • v LOLATURTLE
    I'm sorry for your loss.

    I'm glad you have so many happy memories, though. emoticon
    1074 days ago
  • v _MOBII_
    *Hugs* Happy dad-day, sweety. Happy in the fact that you were a part of each others lives and happy in the fact that you know he wants you to be happy.

    Much love.
    1074 days ago
  • v LIVEDAILY
    It's good to remember the people that we love. They are a part of us, and always will be.
    emoticon
    1074 days ago
  • v MERRY_XMAS
    We have a saying in Greece, don't know if there is something like that in English:
    "May you live to remember him".

    emoticon
    1074 days ago
  • v GRACEOMALLEY
    I, too, am sorry for your loss, but delighted you have such find memories of your father to carry with you, close to your heart. I always feel, with those I loved who are gone, that it is far better to celebrate the life they led and the things about them that added to the lives of others - to acknowledge that this world is a better place for some people and that they MEANT something during their time in this world.

    It may be from your Mom, or may just be your on intelligence and innate wisdom that tells you there is no point in getting into a tizzy over something that you have no control over or ability to alter. It's pretty much like the old Hippy saying - If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Taking that a step further, if there is no solution you could participate in, then it can't be your problem.

    Honor your Dad as you are doing, with a smile and fond thoughts of the man you called "Dad." I know he is looking down and is very proud of you.
    1074 days ago
  • v ARRREAGLES
    First, I'm sorry for your loss. Important people leave an impression on us that seems to fade in detail, but never in importance and power. The fact that you have such a warm memory, that's really a wonderful way to remember someone so important to you.

    Second, good for you for reflecting and growing and being the real, true, eternal you. Sure, we all have slips and falls and make mistakes and have regrets, but it is the living of you that matters, and you do it so well. We hardly know each other except for through this site, but I'm proud of such an attitude and to be able to read of it.

    thanks for sharing! it was really powerful.
    1075 days ago
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