Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Okay, so you all know I've been whiny & feeling crappy (PUN INTENDED...I don't normally use that word!) so today I decided to write FUNNY things about me!
When I was 17 & my younger sister was 14 our dad's car broke down in a little town just inside the border of Montana on our trip back from South Carolina. As sisters do we started bickering & I started 'picking' on Tina. Tina is 3 inches taller than I am & outweighed me by at least 5 lbs. This Mechanic's Assistant came by & told me to 'pick on somebody my own size'. Well, as the happy go lucky sweet kid that I was I answered him in the most articulate way for him to 'mind his own business'. He practically ran to tell my dad the mean things I'd said to him. I cussed him & called him horrible names he told my dad. My dad looked at the guy and said, 'Maybe you should pick on somebody your own size or mind your own business.' YAY Dad!
When I got married at 19 my husband was 36 going on 37. (I KNOW EWWW!) We had dated for about 3 months & I had never seen him without a baseball cap. I often told him it was like dating Donald Duck. I stopped by the half way house ( I KNOW RED FLAGS!!!!) he lived at unexpectedly one night & saw him for the first time without his cap. Since he'd been wearing it all day his hair was all curled up & too long in the back. I blurted out, 'OMG, I'm marrying Bozo!'
I'm notorious for getting tired of my things & just throwing them away. When Lenny first moved in with me I got in one of these moods about 3 o'clock in the morning. He got up to an almost empty living room. All my knick-knacks were gone. He said, ' Wasn't there stuff in here when I went to bed?' I explained what I did. He looked kind of shocked & said, 'I hope you never get tired of looking at me. I'm a heavy sleeper. I'd hate to wake up in the dumpster!'
Years ago when I was in counseling my therapist got after me about 'following the rules'. I obey the law & have great respect for police officers, but I HATE 'the rules' & have never done well with 'authority figures'. As she was lecturing me about 'fitting into society' I put my fingers in my ears, started kicking my legs & singing, 'I don't want to & you can't make me!' We never discussed it again!
When I was in treatment for alcoholism I spent the first 3-4 days in detox on librium. When I came out I was EXTREMELY manic & flying around higher than a kite! We weren't allowed ANY sugar OR caffeine. The counselor was giving an analogy about a child saying he hated his mother because she wouldn't allow him to eat chocolate cake for breakfast. He explained how the child didn't really hate his mother & what that all really meant. Everyone in the class asked questions & finally the counselor looks at me & says, 'Lisa, you've been sitting here looking puzzled. Do you have any questions?' I said, ' Yea, I want to know why the kid can't have chocolate cake for breakfast?' The counselor just smiled & said, "I think you just answered your own question.'
During that same treatment there was a woman who kept interrupting every time anyone was talking. One day when we were in an AA meeting she started doing it & I gently reminded her that you don't 'cross talk' in an AA meeting. As we came out of the meeting she approached me & I could smell Vodka on her. (she ended up being removed from the program because I turned her in for the Vodka & they found it in her room!) I Let her know I didn't like her, didn't want to hear from her & to step back. She proceeded to tell me how I had embarrassed her in the meeting. I just walked away. A few minutes after I got back to my room she came in. This is NOT acceptable & is not appropriate. You NEVER just walk into another person's area. I walked her to the door, showed her the way out & reminded her of my contempt for her. (Without ONE cuss word & no raised voice!) The next day I had my one on one meeting with a substitute counselor. He was a very large (6'4" 350 lb) black man. He had witnessed the encounter with Cynthia the day before & asked me about it so I explained everything that had led up to our 'altercation'. He just looked at me & said, 'Boy, I'd hate to run into you in a dark alley!'
When I was sober for about a year 3 of my 5 adjoining neighbors were active alcoholics. I was vacuuming one day & had my stereo on full blast playing Bob Seager. About 2 minutes after I stopped my vacuum & turned my stereo down there was a knock on the door. At noon on Saturday, there is my drunk neighbor. I apologized for my music & told him I was done & that I was sorry. Barely able to stand up he said, 'No, I was wondering if that was so-n-so.' I said, 'No, Bob Seager.' He said, 'Well, I don't really care. Could you turn it back up? Me & my buddies were partying to it.'
Only a day in the life of Lisa G....