Monday, August 12, 2013
I've been watching episodes of Extreme Weightloss season 3 on Hulu for the past week now. The stories that have stirred so much emotion within me are Mehrbod and Trina.
To see their struggles really opened my eyes to what could become my reality if I don't figure out how to get real and make this a lifestyle and lifetime change. Granted I am slowly making positive changes, but my weight doesn't reflect them and I believe it's because I'm not doing enough or perhaps not being consistent enough. Maybe I am not even being real although I try very hard to be genuine.
Photo Taken from psychologyofeating.com
I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER. MANY Times I CAN'T name the emotion, but I WILL eat anyway; especially when I am feeling badly. (sad, depressed, lonely, angry} The 2 people I mentioned from EWL season 3 also are stress/emotional eaters. During the episode both gained large amounts of weight in a short period of time. It's brought me to tears. I am at my highest weight ever 172.8 . I know it's not as big of a number as it could be, but that's the whole point. I'm inching up to where I don't ever want to be...200+ lbs. I pray this doesn't come across as being shallow. The truth is I am SCARED of continuing to gain weight. After watching someone gain 30+ lbs in a month due to binge eating it freaked me out into reality. The Reality is that my Binge Eating left unaddressed could result in just that. I don't mean to sound dramatic. It's truth. I know from my experience in 2007 when I weighed 138 at end of March and by First of May I weighed in at 157 and only a month or so later weighed in at 170.
I lost 30 lbs in 2009, but have put all of it plus 2 back on. I gave up on myself once I started regaining the weight and now here I sit. I'm what's in the picture...too unhappy at my weight. Yes there is beauty in having the opportunity to see the real picture, but I am scared to even do that. I have a clue and have blogged about my struggles with food since first joining SP in 2008. Yet in some regards I must not have completely looked at the whole picture or I wouldn't be here.
I am generally positive here on SP. Tonight not so much. However, I want to change and I need to change. I'm challenging myself to change, but I need support; maybe even professional help.
Not yet, but possibly. Actually I'd be happy with scared healthy and not worry about looking skinny.