Disgusted but Determined
Sunday, August 11, 2013
It's been a long time since I've taken the time to really focus on myself and boy does it show. I did the one thing I kept telling myself I wouldn't do: I gave up. I let the scale dominate my life rather than being just another measurement. In the big scheme of things, I've come to realize that losing weight is not my ultimate goal. Yes, I want to get to a healthy weight BUT I am much more concerned with getting myself healthy. I want to be around for my son for a long time and with the way I'm going right now, that's not going to happen. In a year, I've undone all the progress I've made. All the weight I lost, all the strength I gained... it's all gone. I'm disgusted with myself. :(
I made a commitment to myself to take the time to do this for myself (again) and today is my brand new start. My goal is not to simply lose weight. It's to get healthy. If I'm losing inches and the scale is standing still.. that's still progress right? If I'm stronger than I was a month ago and have more endurance... that's progress, right? It's no longer all about weight loss for me, it's about health. Honestly, I thought that's where I was a year ago, but it became apparent that I wa wrong.
Today I took the time to workout while my son was at a friend's house playing. I did this BEFORE I sat down to get on the computer or watch TV. Why? Because I knew that if I sat down, I wouldn't want to get back up again. I also took a few minutes to weigh and measure myself. Again, I'm disgusted with seeing all my hard work down the drain. I've gained 22 1/2 inches of what I lost back. I've gained every bit of weight I lost back. What's different about this time is that after losing it and gaining it again.... I can FEEL it. I can FEEL how big I am and I KNOW I'm fat. When I originally started this journey, I didn't realize I was fat until I saw some pictures. I can't say that this time.
I start school again soon and I'm not going to have time to eat out every day like I was doing before. My plan is to pack my lunches and PLAN AHEAD. I am going to be tracking my food and exercise on my MyFitnessPal site (I like it better, sorry!) and updating with blogs and measurements here. My time is valuable and I don't have much of it, but I know I have at LEAST 30-45 minutes everyday (or 5 days a week) to workout for myself. It's time to learn to love me again.