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    SKYEPHOENIX   20,036
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Day 8.11


Sunday, August 11, 2013

My oh my...I remember making Day 1. It's August already? Where did summer go? Where did the YEAR go?? Lol.

I'm still stuck at the same weight. Not sure what's going on with that--I seem to be balking at the idea of logging my food again, and I don't know why. Everything else is good and in order...so maybe it's just a lazy thing. Or one of those things where it seems harder to start, but once you get started it's okay. Gotta get over that hump, I guess. Really want to get into the 130's by fall's end. Hovering near 150 is NOT okay anymore.

My sweet darling husband...is still on the end of my rope. I've never had such serious thoughts of leaving, divorcing....I just feel like I'm being held down. It's hard to explain...when I actually think about leaving, though, I don't see any advantages to it beyond being able to do my own thing without having someone else in my space irritating me. Which is a pretty stupid reason to leave. I had a really looooong talk with a good friend yesterday, and aired out some stuff. She's in the same boat....feeling like she and her hubs bring out the worst in each other, instead of the best. We both can't quite figure out when or how that changed. I definitely know that, at least on my end, a lot of it was perpetuated by me. Things that I can't undo or 'make right'. (how do you un-move, un-buy a house, and suddenly decide you want to have babies?? Ugh.) Not completely my fault, since there were a lot of assumptions (assuming I would just want to have kids at some point, when I made it clear I never would from the beginning). But it goes both ways I guess. At this point I need to find it within me to....carry on with my life in the best way suited to me. Hopefully he comes along for the ride. If not...well, that's what we'll deal with later. The hardest part is going to be for me to start finding the means to be self-supportive. Going to school? Not sure about that yet. Seems like the next logical step. But not if I can't figure out what to do or learn or become with schooling.

Weird how things work. You get everything you think you want....only to find out it's not everything you thought you would want. I guess as humans, we are meant to grow and evolve and move forward...but why does that entail so much potential hurt and pain???

Ack. Tabernac. Bozhe moi. SP does not understand foreign swearing hopefully. Not that bozhe is technically swearing lol.

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