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Letting Go

Sunday, August 11, 2013

She came home for the summer. When she lugged in her suitcases and the odds and ends of blenders and mismatched socks, I was ecstatic. Yes, I worked alot but I was bound and determined to make time to spend time with my girl. It was going to be like old times, going places, doing things, bonding even closer than ever before. I even made a list of things that we were going to do and posted them on my closet door. Our first evening together we were inseparable...

She was different, though. I quickly realized that, although she was growing and maturing with each passing day, that this little girl was a full-blown woman now. Poised. Meticulous. Steadfast in her beliefs and calling in life. She was older. Wiser.

Calmer.

I suddenly realized that I was no longer looking at the baby Bre. The teenage Bre. The college-bound Bre. I was looking at the Bre that was going to make a huge difference in this world. The Bre that is going to write grant proposals and develop programs for underprivileged women and children. The Bre that volunteers to work with teens in trouble in our judicial system. The Bre that drinks coffee in the morning and doesn't care if she wears make-up to the store. The Bre that doesn't give a crap what clothing is in style and is happy to donate her gently used shirts and purses to Goodwill. "Proud" is a word that is so understated. Proud is the giant golf ball-sized lump that stays permanently in the back of your throat and threatens to open up the dam to your heart and drown your face in a tyranny of laughter and tears. But she frowns on that. No, Mother, I'm not doing anything that everyone else should be doing. Get over it.

As much as I am proud, I feel lost now. Selfish, I know, but nonetheless, lost. I came to find out that she travels everywhere. Columbus, Cincinnati, Toledo, Washington, D.C. on "missions." Her teachers, peers, advisors have all claimed she is well beyond her years in intelligence and compassion. She has received letters of recommendation from our state senator and state representative. Yet when she found I had framed these and countless other letters, scholarship and Dean's List certificates, she didn't like the "attention." She wasn't in it for the attention. She was in it to make the voice in her heart "quiet down" a bit.

Many nights I came home and found a note that read, "Sorry, Mom, but I had to go to *location* and see *person.* I will try to be home tomorrow. I love you." But! We had plans! Choking back the tears I would get in the shower and try to find sleep that night, resisting the urge to call her or text her. The next day when she came in, she would put her keys on the counter and retreat to her room to find sleep for an hour. Before I knew it, she was answering her emails, texts and voicemails once again.

I know she is someone special. Now the world is finding out. I've never liked to share. Last week I was in the kitchen and I caught a blur of her out of the corner of my eye and I went to her, chased her down and grabbed her up in my arms. I had had enough. Holding her close, it was almost as if my mind began playing a movie of her from birth to present. I could not help it and my heart began to flow, drowning her shoulder in unashamed emotion. I felt her small arms encircle me tighter and her hand gently caress my back.

"Mommy? Are you okay?"

Hearing the word "Mommy" at this point only made it worse, but I managed to choke out the words, "Where has all the time gone, Beanie?"

"Oh, but Mom! That's not the right question!"

Putting me at arms length she looked intently into my face and that's when I saw them. Her eyes. SO FULL of promise and hope for her world. A deep conviction of what she believed in and a compassion that struck every fiber of my being...

"The question IS, what are we going to do with all the time we have left?? I'm sorry I haven't been around much. But you are RIGHT HERE (*tapping her heart*). I carry you with me everywhere I go."

Nodding, I managed a smile. Not a fake one, but one of realization. I understood. I understood that drive, that heart that believes in a better place and doesn't let the world get you down. I cupped her beautiful face in my hands and I said, "You are beautiful, baby girl."

Then she said, "You wanna go raid the buffet at Giovanni's like old times??"

Nodding emphatically I started to run to the bathroom to check my make-up and she exclaimed, "Who cares!! Let's go, I'm driving!"

Yes. I'm proud. But I still don't like to share. I still miss the "old" Bre. But something tells me "this one" is loved by many others as well. I'm just going to have to get used to it. I've got to swallow the golf ball. I've got to realize it's all going to be okay now. It's okay to...let go.

It's not about my "loss" anymore. It's about her and her beautiful life, a life she NEEDS to share with others so that they may have hope, promise. What more could a parent wish for? What more is there?

God bless. You are loved. By me...and all of the "Bres" in this world.







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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GETTINGFIT4HIM 9/8/2013 4:22AM

  Beautiful blog about two beautiful women and their beautiful relationship. God has amazing things in store for Bre and knew just the right Mamma to raise her in the way she should go. You have every right to be proud of her and what she is doing for others. emoticon

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JADOMB 9/2/2013 6:50PM

    Love has no boundaries and that goes for time too. We are both going through similar phases in life with similar situations. Although, I now wish I had the time together with our kids as we did when they were in college. Now that they are graduated and on their own career paths, our times together are much less. So just enjoy the time you have and cherish it. Our little birds have to fly someday and create their own adventures in life.

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TEENY2BEE 8/25/2013 2:06PM

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I dont like sharing my kids either,but I do. Although I am married,they are my life,and I wonder what I will do with myself when they 'dont need me' anymore

Much healing...I know it must be bittersweet emoticon

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CLOVER2 8/22/2013 1:51AM

    That was so beautiful. We have such a hard time realizing that the woman we are looking at is what we hoped for, this incredible human being, who is still our daughter. And always will be.
Thank you so very much for sharing this with us, your words were eloquent and very moving!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 8/21/2013 5:55AM

    Beautiful. I just sent my baby off to college...Sniff... emoticon

I know she will "lean in" also and make a difference for herself and others!

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HICKOK-HALEY 8/19/2013 1:54AM

    Bre turned out to be a fantastic person. You raised her well, and I can see why you are so proud of her. I wish her nothing but the best. My DD is 28 now, so I can understand how you feel. I also ask...Where did the time go? emoticon

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KIMCOLLINGS 8/18/2013 10:29PM

    Beautiful

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CARTOONB 8/12/2013 11:51PM

    I'll try to keep this in mind on days like today...when my DD is working my nerves. Enjoy your time with Bre. She'll always be with you.

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ARUNNINGKAT 8/12/2013 12:21PM

    Thanks for sharing your raw emotions and struggles. I know that this is coming with my youngest daughter..... I already see small signs of it. It is breaking my heart already, but you are right in so many ways. They have such bright futures ahead of them full of promise!

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KAILYNSTAR 8/12/2013 10:44AM

    emoticon



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BKNOCK 8/12/2013 8:49AM

    What a beautiful blog! Thanks for the tears! emoticon

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GOANNA2 8/12/2013 7:59AM

    I was moved to tears too. My son is 25 and
still living with me but he has told me he is off
to Europe or the USA as soon as he graduates.
Reading your feelings is helping me prepare for
when I have to let go. Our children will become
great adults with empathy and compassion for
the world in which they will choose to live in.
We have to pride ourselves in knowing we did a
good job at teaching them to be themselves. emoticon

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JUNIAATROME 8/12/2013 5:30AM

    Just read this and you put into words what I have been feeling about the four of them out there changing the world and the rare moments when I get to hold them if even for a very short moment, in my arms again. emoticon

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KING_SLAYER 8/11/2013 8:43PM

    What a beautiful blog post! My son is 1 month from turning 17 and a week from starting his senior year i high school. Since I raised him solo from the age of 2 I have a strong desire to hold him close to me. But I know that soon enough he will taking off on his own and we won't be able to do everything together like we have done for years. I'm not looking forward to that time!

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AJDOVER1 8/11/2013 7:39PM

    You're so blessed. I'm blessed to know you. This blog made me cry.

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LYNNA1968 8/11/2013 7:00PM

    you have a reason to be proud, great blog

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JOHNTJ1 8/11/2013 4:44PM

    My baby is 27 and he's not bashful about reminding me of it either, lol. I either talk to or text all my kids every day. I stood over my dad's death bed a few years ago and saw the fear when he realized his life was waning from him. He asked me to pull his oxygen mask away and said "I've lived a good life but gosh it went by so fast." He was 88.

I wont let go, lol. I turned 60 last week and there isn't always that factor called time that remains. She may go away from you but she isn't leaving, just wandering off on her own.

You're a good mom

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OLDERDANDRT 8/11/2013 3:54PM

    She's grown up to be what you always prayed for, dear friend!!! She is realizing her dreams, now! And you are always in her heart, as she told you!
I saw this somewhere, but it is so true......."A daughter, when grown, becomes your friend." There you go!! Enjoy her!!! (((HUGS)))

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REGILIEH 8/11/2013 3:17PM

    You have me in tears! How beautifully you write, how beautifully you express yourself, words are not adequate to let you know how wonderful your blog is.

Your daughter is beautiful on the inside and out, just like her mother, you two are blessed to have each other!

emoticon for sharing this!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

I also thank you for adding me as a friend to such a wonderful soul.

Anne

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KATRINAKAT23 8/11/2013 2:53PM

  wow, you both are so lucky to have each other. emoticon

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FIGHTING4IT 8/11/2013 2:52PM

    That story is beautiful! I loved it! Very well written and such an inspiration! You obviously did a great job raising her! I hope to be like her and have a daughter like her one day! I also love seeing a child growing up from the point of view of a parent.

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LOVINGAFRICA 8/11/2013 2:28PM

    There is only one Bre.
You have Jesus, you can bless every step she takes in life by covering it with prayer. You can be her intercessor before the Father for every child she works with.
That is matured motherhood, I think, and it is more precious than anything on earth.
Bless you
Glad you dropped in by the way!

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WALLAHALLA 8/11/2013 2:27PM

    You did a fantastic job raising such a beautiful young woman.

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