Sunday, August 11, 2013
First of all - I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog. They really meant a lot to me, I wasn't in a very good place in my head and I was facing some hurtful memories and the support meant a lot to me. Thank you so much.
While I was camping I put some thought into myself, my journey, my life, my past, etc - to figure out why I can't stay motivated. Why I'm not living the life I want. Finally, it hit me.
It's because in my imagination - I am. Sounds crazy, right? I know. But it's true. I spend so much time imagining and pretending that I'm a smaller size, or that I can do things I can't physically do, that's it's only when I'm forced to face the truth in particular situations that I remember my size and weight and limitations. I need to bring myself back down to reality. I need to stop living in my pretend world of who I want to be and put the work into actually getting myself there.
I jotted down some examples of times the truth hits me that I want to put down here because it may be helpful for me to look back on them:
1. In a restuarant when you have several people and you are stuck against the wall or in a tight space and need to get out. Everyone in your path has to scoot in so much and even then you still can't always get out. It's embarassing.
2. When you carpool with others and it's a tight fit and you take up twice as much room as the others - which is space that could be and would be helpful if used for other things. You can't sit in anyone's lap and squeezing in only works so much when you have so much to squeeze.
3. When you are clothes shopping. Period. Something looks great on a hanger and you try it on and it's all bunches and rolls and panty lines. When you are clothes shopping with friends and they are all in the same size section and you are basically shopping alone because you are the only one your size, while they are all laughing and giggling about things together and you're excluded - or you can stand there with them and wish you fit into those clothes too.
4. When you can't borrow clothing from someone, or them from you. Because you are too large.
5. When someone smaller gets carried or lifted, and you can't be.
6. When you read certain romantic scenes in books and think, "that will never be able to happen to me because 1) I would crush him or 2) he can't lift me or 3) I don't have the body to have the confidence for that.
7. When I see a picture of myself. Any picture. Camping pictures with my nieces and nephew, pictures from Friday night party nights, etc. All I see are the rolls, the tree trunk legs, the back jelly, the double chin. Etc. I hate pictures of myself.
Ok - that's enough for now, lol.
I have a 5K in 27 days that I'm in training for - I fell off that wagon but I'm back on it today. I plan on doing 2 workouts a day - but by workouts I basically mean get up and get moving. I want 1 full work out, and a second thing that just puts me in motion: a walk around the building during break at work, quick little workout, etc. Whatever. I'm also going to be more strict with my food, and more importantly - tell my friend where she can stick it when she's not supportive. Well, not really. But I'll let her know that it bothers me that she gives me a hard time about things because she's selfish and wants me to partake. If I explain it to her she'll understand and be supportive, but she's not a natural supporter. She's likes it better when people do what she wants - my health is more important.
I also found some quotes I'm want to put down so I can look back on them - but my blog is pretty much done. Thanks for reading! Hope you're having a sparktastic day!
1: "Every time you stay out late; every time you sleep in; every time you miss a workout; every time you don't give 100%... you make it that much easier for me to beat you" - unknown
2: "Many people quit because progress it too slow. Never forget, even slow progress is still progress"
3: "Most people get ahead during the time that others waste." -Henry Ford
4: "Pain is temporary. It may last a minute or an hour, or a day or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take it's place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." -Lance Armstrong
5: "Be careful of the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them." -W. Clement Stone.