Sunday, August 11, 2013
First off, thank you to all who commented on my last blog, or who sent me goodies or other forms of encouragement. Your words gave me a lot to think about, and were also very comforting in my time of spark related distress. For now, I think I have things under control. I'm making some changes which I think will allow me to maintain this weight loss, and not fall into my old patterns which will just cause me to balloon again.
Since Tuesday, I've felt much more in control again. I gave in and weighed myself on Tuesday night. The results were NOT pretty. I was at 140.4 lbs. Yikes! However, with a better diet and daily exercise, this morning I weighed in at 131.2. Okay, so a lot of that weight gain was water weight, thank goodness! However, that still means I gained over six pounds in under a month. Not cool! But not surprising considering the amount of food that I ate and ate and ate. And, as a few people suggested, and they were definitely right, I do focus too much on the numbers, as opposed to other measures of health and weight loss success. So I've been re-evaluating all week, and I'm going to outline some of the changes that I'm planning to make over the next little while to try and avoid regaining all my lost weight.
First off, while I am not changing my final weight goal of 120, I have given myself until January 1, 2014 to do it. And if I never reach it, I'm not going to kick myself. I'm going to keep trying, but in a slower, gentler, fashion. I'm already at a healthy weight. I can fit into clothes I like. I may not be able to fit into the dress I wanted to by The Mission concert on Sept. 7, but oh well. Tough. I just might have to go out and buy myself another dress I like just as much, but which fits me as I am now. Honestly, while I can feel some of the 6 odd pounds that I've regained, now that my bloating has gone down, I feel much better. So I'm not kicking myself anymore for what I did. It's past and no lasting damage was done. I just don't want to repeat the same pattern if I can avoid it, so that's what I'm going to consciously work towards.
Changing the date of my final weight goal on Sparkpeople magically upped my daily calorie range to 1350-1700 pounds. Amazing! So, while it's been difficult, I'm trying to eat more. I know this is what my body needs. I've been allowing myself more healthy snacks throughout the day, and trying to eat more protein. My goal for weekly calorie burn is still set to 2000. I've been easing into the strength training again, and can already notice a difference. Now I just have to keep it up. Even if I just exercise on my bike 3-4 times a week, with all the walking I do, I can easily reach that 2000 calorie burned mark. It is totally doable.
As far as controlling my binging goes, I need a different strategy. Some people suggested that I work in small servings of the foods that I loved in order to stave off cravings and binging. I had already been doing that. It was not enough. So my current plan is this: at least once a week, I'm going to have a "cheat" meal. Not an entire day, but an entire meal, including dessert. I will allow myself to have the meal and dessert on different days, if I choose. This will be in addition to having regular small treats to try and keep my cravings in check. I will allow myself to go over my calorie ranges on that/those day/s. I will not beat myself up over it. My first try at this experiment of sorts will be next weekend. It's my birthday on Wednesday, so next weekend I am celebrating with different people on both Saturday and Sunday. And I will allow myself a meal of my choice on BOTH days (so really I'm going above and beyond my weekly allotment, but it's my birthday!), and a dessert on just one. And I know that I will experience a slight weight gain over the next few days after that, but I also know that with a few days of healthy diet and exercise the number on the scale will drop again. I'm really going to try a lot harder to not let the number on the scale obsess me, while at the same time not ignore it completely, as I know that is equally dangerous for me. Ideally, I'm going to try and go back to my initial habit of weighing in only once a week as opposed to every day.
I've learned, the hard way, that the number on the scale is not the be all and end all. I just have to remember that. I've also learned that at this point, I really can't do rapid weight loss any more. Even losing 0.5 lbs a week at this point is amazing, and maintaining is almost equally as good. I wanted fast results initially, but at this point that's just not realistic, and if I don't accept that, I'm doomed to self-sabotage. I am truly trying to accept myself as I am right now, because really, I know I've worked hard for what I've achieved, and I've earned the right to congratulate myself. So what if I've regained a few pounds? The key is to not slip into my old habits again, but to keep trying to form healthier ones that I can actually maintain. I will keep experimenting until I find what works best for me. I will try new combinations of calories/food. I will try to find new ways to exercise. I will allow myself to eat more of the unhealthier foods I love occasionally, though not in binge mode. I will try to love myself, and accept myself as I am. I will try not to put myself down constantly. While it is in my power, I will NEVER let myself be that 230 pound, self-loathing girl again!