Wednesday, August 07, 2013
One of the last Pictures of Sudhir--Our Living room,August 2011
The loss of a beloved spouse can turn one's life and mind upside down--I know because it happened in my case.I went into a shocked and numbed state where a lot of things just failed to register and those that managed to penetrate a little but not really enough to elicit sane responses.As the shock began wearing off and the raw pain began registering I was beset with doubts---beginning with whether I was good enough as a wife and such thoughts--but the worst was the thought that perhaps I did not hear Sudhir call me--for it is just extremely incomprehensible to me that he just slipped away without a word.What I actually could not accept was the suddenness of his demise--one moment he was alive the next he was not!!While I was relieved to know that it really did happen that way and that he did not suffer at all---my mind could not absorb the fact that the man whose life revolved around me could just slip away without a "Good Bye" to me as also any sign of prior discomfort or pain.
I guess maybe I was a bit miffed with my Best Friend God--that is why though I communicated with Him in my heart and my mind I still could not worship Him at home.Though I am a deeply religious person I guess that my relationship with Him is a bit odd.Since very early in my life His has always been the main Presence in my life--and He has always been my Friend,Philosopher and Guide and sent me signs to guide me.Faith can never be analyzed and nor can it be questioned or dissected-- it is just there and can be a Pillar of Strength to those who believe in it's Power.I guess the sudden demise of the Axis of my Universe--- my husband---an extremely hale and hearty man with literally no Health issues knocked me out cold and somewhere upset my inner equilibrium.
My relationship with my Best Friend changed too--though I never asked Him "Why Sudhir and why me?" it still festered in my mind since the very motions of offering both worship and obeisance to Him just ceased to exist for me.Apart from a sporadic dusting, all my Dieties were totally neglected by me till a few days back.Out of the blue I felt the stirrings of a reopening of my traditional side--and in a fit of frenzied activity cleaned out my "Pooja" Altar till it was restored to it's former glory--and sparkled!!The Photo Frames glistened---totally Dust free,the Silver,Copper and Brass images sparkled and shone like new and all the Silver Lamps too sparkled under the excess use of my elbow grease--and finally my heart came back to life once more.This was the last rite of passage in resuming my friendship with my Best Friend. My grief is as poignant and raw as before but now I have once more placed my hand in His and He alone will help me walk on alone till He calls me home and truly mine not to question when and why!!