Tuesday, August 06, 2013
I have been such a whiny little girl lately. Enough is enough. I cannot continue down this path any longer. It is self-destructive in the extreme, and I am tired of my inner voices getting all confused about what they should be telling me. Should I feel guilty about indulging? Am I being too hard on myself? Too easy? Do I need to go back to my strict regime ASAP, or do I need to formulate a brand new plan? Am I as disgusting and gross and weak as I feel, or am I only a typical damaged human? And on and on and on these and other similar thoughts merry go round inside my skull. JUST STOP IT ALREADY, right?
I am an expert at torturing myself needlessly about EVERYTHING. I truly must be a masochist, as I am sure I get some sort of perverse pleasure when I put myself down. Which I do ALL the time. And this negative self-talk has really got to stop. I mean seriously. I am making myself sick, almost literally. I canít blame the recent death of my uncle and all the negative feelings it dredged up, or problems with my boyfriend and other family members, or my depression, or anything else for my overeating anymore. I just have to STOP it. Because it has gotten super ridiculous over the past few weeks. I am truly out of control.
This past weekend was a true exercise in unabashed hedonism. I ATE. And ATE. And ATE. Yes, it needs to be capitalized three times. It actually should probably be capitalized several more times. I ate to abandon, whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My boyfriend and I made a few trips to the supermarket and you should have seen the junk we bought. It was gloriously decadent and disgustingly repugnant. I will not list all the food here. Suffice it to say that we were almost constantly eating, and I did not exercise one bit, and I must have gained a good ten pounds (at least) over the past few weeks of uncontrollable eating. I am still too terrified to weigh myself. And here is the part that is both miracle and warning signal: I did NOT feel guilty about all that eating. In fact, while I often felt gross physically, part of me seemed to understand that in some twisted way I needed this. I needed to truly hit rock bottom when it came to food again. And hit it I did. With a bruising bang. I feel strangely purged today. I satisfied so many cravings I am kind of burned out at the moment. I donít want any junk food. I donít want any food at all. I want to feel empty for a while. And then I want to decide what the next step for myself will be. Because I canít continue down this path. If I do, I will quite rapidly regain ALL the weight I lost, and probably more. And I definitely know I do not want that. So back to square one for me, and I know I need to formulate a new plan, and I know it wonít be easy. After all this time, and hard work I have not been able to tackle the binge demons that have been responsible time and time again for my downfall. I have been stubborn in believing that it all came down to willpower, but I have to admit that it goes so much deeper than that.
I could say that I have re-kindled my spark, but that would be a lie. I havenít. But I am so tired of my thought patterns. They need to be re-vamped, they need to have a makeover. You see, the last few times I have lost weight I have gone through the EXACT same thing. I got to a point where for whatever reason I wanted to binge, and I would let myself. And then I would binge again, and again, often on the same day. I would also take an indefinite ďbreakĒ from exercise, and then would just stop again. Because it was easier. And I had been overdoing it on the diet and exercise front. And while this time I lasted much longer, and lost much more weight, I still must have been overdoing it. Because I just crashed. I am not making excuses for why I did what I did the past few weeks. I know that I overdid it. But I also know that I was being much too hard on myself before, limiting my calories too intensely, pushing myself to exercise on days when I really needed rest.
So my plan is to start again, and look at this whole experience from new angles. I will allow myself to eat more. I will take it easy with exercise, and rebuild my stamina, because right now, to be honest, it is shot. I will attempt not to weigh myself again until the beginning of September, if I can manage it. I KNOW I have gained weight. It will be too heartbreaking for me to see just how much right now. My goal is to slowly get back on track, and I must do this. Also, I need to give up the dream of being 120 lbs by September 1st. That definitely ainít happening. Iíll be happy if Iím at 130 by that point. Maybe by Christmas? Itís too early to say, really.
Iím still going to use the food and exercise tracker here, although it is not totally accurate at the moment since I sure as sin am not 125 lbs anymore. Perhaps it is a little bit dishonest of me not to update my weight at the moment, but I just canít take the thought of that ticker being under the 100 pounds lost mark, psychologically.
Anyhow, this is yet ANOTHER new start for me. And while I am not overly optimistic, I do feel much more realistic about the state of things. Thank you so much to all here who continue to offer words of support, wisdom and encouragement. You all help me more that you can know. Without you, I probably would have given up for good a long time ago. But I still AM NOT giving up. Iím just re-evaluating. Wish me luck. And courage. And determination. And motivation. Iím going to need all that and more just to keep going at this point.