Monday, August 05, 2013
Did you ever just feel pathetic and selfish? Why me, why can't I, why not... why do I have to... like a whiny, self absorbed 4 year old. That's how I've felt all day. Poor me. I know it all stems from the 1.5lb gain on Friday. You know, I tried to convince myself that I was "ok with it" but I'm really not. Especially when I kicked a$$ all week and was meticulous about my food. I know things aren't nearly as "easy" as they used to be. I know I have to do a bit more than walk around the block and cut my food intake in half, but it still sucks!
So instead of turning to food on Friday, which is what I wanted to do, yes it still happens, I had 6 too many adult beverages. Well, I stopped counting at 6 anyhow... Apparently I'm no good at moderation... on ANYTHING! I had a good time, we were out at camp and I wasn't driving anywhere... just enjoying the fire, and the stars. It was great until I woke up the next morning with the realization of how many calories I'd consumed. That's right kids, no hangover, just a sick feeling that I had consumed an entire days worth of calories in a few hours. WHY was that a thought in my head?!? I had a great night, and this is how it gets ruined. I didn't fall in the pool, and I didn't puke on my shoes... I was worried about the calories... WTH has happened to my life? When I'm more worried about the calories I've consumed than having a good time, a line has been crossed.
A few of my sprakfriends have found their way back recently. They've gained most if not all of the weight back that they've lost. These are people that are Spark Superstars in their own right, and it breaks my heart to see that this has happened to them. And it just brings up those feelings of, "if them, why not me?" How will things be different for me?
At work today, my 11 pound co-worker exclaimed, "OMG, I'm so full." After eating nothing but applesauce and Skittles for breakfast and exactly 4 pieces of lettuce for lunch... REALLY?!? This, after saying on Friday, that *I* should eat more protein and start running to lose weight. Does anyone know how much protein is in Skittles or hell, applesauce for that matter? I'm just asking... And yes, she knows I've lost weight. I was so fed up with her saying $h!t about "fat people" I finally showed her my before pictures. She freaked out, couldn't believe it, and yet, still has the cajones to talk smack! Skinny b!tch is gonna find herself stapled to the carpet if she keeps it up.
Tonight, I was in such a mood, I wanted to stick my face in the bowl of parmesan pasta I'd made. No, I can't have any pasta.... I "got to" eat basil grilled chicken, YEAH!! And really, please don't tell me I can "have anything I want in the correct portion." Usually, I believe that, and I haven't given up ANYTHING, but the funk I'm in tonight will not allow for a "correct portion" of anything. Pasta was NOT on the menu for me tonight. Aaaaggghhhh!!!!!
And finally, if you're still reading this crap... I was supposed to do 60 minutes of intervals on the treadmill. TOTAL FAIL! I wimped out and went out for a 4 mile walk/ slight jog. And by that, I mean only had the energy to jog when I was trying to get away from cars, dogs, or teenagers... teenagers are terrifying! Yes, I did it, but it wasn't what I was supposed to do.
On my way out, to half a$$ a workout, I ran into a mom I've known for years. Our son's have been in classes together since pre-school. She was sitting in a wheelchair/scooter type thing, and I asked her what had happened. She's always had a cane with her, and I knew she had something wrong with her legs or back, but it's not the kind of thing you bring up at a school function. She said her MS has gotten the best of her... She's my age.... I'm b!tching and moaning about food, and drinks and "having to exercise." Carley can't get out of her chair without help, let alone run around with her kids.... who the "F" am I???
Why me... why can't I... why not... why do I have to... because it's MY life to live and I have a chance to LIVE IT, that's WHY!