Saturday, August 03, 2013
I'm kind of back. I had a really bad couple of weeks, and sort of dropped off the planet for the most part. Isn't it funny how, when you get down, you forget or otherwise lose desire to take care of yourself?
This post will be one where I over share, so don't read it if you hate when people do that.
My mom is sick, quite sick. She's been in and out of hospitals for the past month. She has something wrong with her that makes her unable to eat or hold down food, and the condition is chronic. She has lost a ton of weight, her strength, and doctors have run so many tests on her, and are still unable to find the root of the problem.
My mom is one of the most beautiful creatures on the earth. Not just physical beauty, all though she is undeniably so. Even as she aged, her hair grayed elegantly, her dark completion remained rich, and her smile could melt you. She is also patient, and kind to a fault. She'd give someone the shirt off of her back if she thought they needed it more than she did. She gives so much of herself, her time, and her love to other people and she never asks for anything in return. She is generous, altruistic, and a loving person.
She loves thrift stores, old episodes of “I Love Lucy” and “Sanford and Son.” She listens to old gospel music, plays the piano at her church, and absolutely loves working outdoors. She likes to play rummy and rook, and if she stays up past 10:00 PM, she gets giddy and giggly. She's been known to laugh so hard that she loses control of her bladder (sorry Mom, but I had to say it). Her biggest joy in life – aside from going to thrift stores and collecting sheet music – is giving to others.
It breaks my heart to see her so sick, and to know there is little or nothing I can do to help her. There are so many horrible and downright evil human beings in this world who are walking around with perfect health, and it seems to me unjust that they should, when such a sweet and delicate creature lay suffering. I want her to recover, I want to hear her laugh again, to sit up way too late playing cards with her again, to sit and watch old reruns of her favorite shows with her.
Since she has gotten down in health, my life has also suffered. I have forgotten to want and need things. I've forgotten to do things. I've pushed away friends and people that I love and only really deepened my own pain and hurt. I don't know why I do this, only that I do. When one thing is wrong, I make everything wrong. I guess that, in a way, I feel guilty for being happy when someone I love so completely is suffering. This mindset is wrong, is foolish. My mom would want me to be happy, to thrive, and to live life with a smile.
Something happened this weekend which brought me back – snapped me out of it. I'm attempting to rejoin the world, to live life, and remove myself from this cloud of fog hanging over my head. I don't need to punish myself or feel guilt for my happiness, and I hope that I don't forget that. Wish me luck.