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    AJR2013AJR   1,443
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Insecurity without the scale

Saturday, August 03, 2013

It is Saturday night, and I am totally having an anxiety attack. What is causing it? I stopped letting myself run to the gym to weigh myself whenever I feel my weight has changed. Now, I only go to the gym on Sunday mornings to weigh in and it is making me crazy!

I've had a great week. I did not binge, and I ate healthy and at home most nights. I had one beer for the entire week, no sweets, made good choices at restaurants. I more than met my goals with exercise. I walked my long route most days, added extra laps in the pool, went to a yoga class and went hiking on the day I drank the beer. It shouldn't matter wether or not I lost weight. I feel good, and that should be enough.

But no, instead of just relaxing and feeling good, I am freaking out about tomorrow and the scale. I've already tried on half the pants in my closet to see if there are changes in how they fit and measured my waist about 30 times. Since I spent time this week going through my closet and getting rid of clothes, there was (surprise) no change in how anything fit. Also, since I don't have a scale in the house, I have started measuring my waist in the morning, so (surprise) it is also the same. The only thing that can possibly make me happy is if my weight goes down tomorrow when I go to the gym. Yes, I know how pathetic that sounds!

I've lost this weight before more than once, and I know it is easier for me to lose weight than keep it off, especially when my mind gets going like this. It's hard to learn to just be happy with the present. It is easier to be obsessed with a goal as I am losing weight. Or, on the flip side, to be obsessed with food as I gain weight.

I have gotten to a place this summer where I feel healthy and in control of food. I'm losing weight by just giving up sugar and alcohol and trying not to binge. Of course, I have also added a lot of exercise, and I am worried that I won't be able to be this active once work starts in a few weeks. I am really dreading the commute and the stress of work. I guess the anxiety of not knowing if these changes are sustainable in the long run is what is bothering me. I wanted to lose 30 pounds this summer, and I was only at 18 last week. Instead of celebrating the 18 lost and the fact that I am feeling better, I am brooding over what the scale will say tomorrow morning. Well, I am just going to take crazy, number obsessed me to bed with a good book and hope that by writing this I will not be in the same place next Saturday night. Either that, or I am going to go out and buy a scale so I can weigh myself obsessively without anyone knowing.
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