Last night I got to bed late, and then woke up numerous times due to laughing at my own ridiculously funny dreams. Course that was a really nice change; to have funny dreams instead of the usual troubling dreams. But when I woke up after ONLY 5 hours sleep, and couldn’t get back to sleep, then the troubles of the days encroached. Finally, after laying in bed for almost 2 hours awake, I gave up and got up to wait for the door installers to arrive.
The door installers have yet to arrive or even to call. So here’s to yet ANOTHER day of my life ‘prisoner to this house’ waiting for non-existent contractors… He was supposed to install the exterior door 2 weeks ago, but it was back ordered. Then he was supposed to install it last Saterday (August 28th), but he only dropped it off and said he was “too busy doing BIG jobs like constructing a house”. So, he was to do it today. But, no show, and no call either. But, I guess he figures he is ‘locked in’ to us having HIM do the job, since he bought the door and has it sitting here. But dang, that door needs installed within the next 2 weeks, before the siding goes on!!! I don’t know what is going to happen if he doesn’t get to it shortly…
Last night as I was falling asleep, I realized that Chuck is yet ‘playing’ me. NOT a big surprise! But then, really why would I expect THAT would change!? I have told him more than once - in no uncertain terms - that when I go out into the back yard with the dogs, or when I go out into the garage - that he is not to come running up those steps to have contact or communication with me; that if there is something he needs to talk to me about that he needs to do it via phone. And he is not to be knocking on my door either, cause contact is to be via phone. Course with all the construction going on here, I have been pretty lax in enforcing that, but July 29th, when he went back to work (after vacation), I made it plain to him once AGAIN that I was insisting on my space, and that I wanted absolutely ‘No Contact’ unless absolutely necessary. BUT, he is STILL running up those steps and joining me on the patio every time I take the dogs out. But, he uses some excuse - any piddly excuse - that he needs to discuss SOMETHING with me. Last night his piddly excuse was to tell me “he couldn’t find the envelope of estimates that had been photocopied by the bank loan officer. He could have easily told me that on the phone (but he wants the visual, so that he keeps the TIES going). But, really this is just ANOTHER way he is NOT RESPECTING my needs or boundaries, but using excuses to still ‘cling on’ and refuse to LET GO OF CONTROL.
Another thing I realized is that I think he (purposely) keeps me emotionally worn out and exhausted, so that I do not have any energy left for my life. That way I have no energy to go anywhere, make new associations, and certainly have no energy left to start sorting and packing things up for a possible move out of here. And I certainly have no energy to go to various towns to check into housing, or even to do the massive research and calling it would take to find a suitable town and housing.
Now if he REALLY was trying to change, and IF he considered MY feelings AT ALL, than he would have some compassion and understanding for how it feels for me to associate with someone who has done all the horrendous things he has done to me and mine. But NO, it is all about HIM; about his wanting to see me and for him to not be alone. It apparently doesn’t matter to him that it tears up my soul, that it wears me down to such a level that I am so exhausted I can hardly get out of my chair. Even though he ‘plays dumb’, I know he has spent his life ‘studying people’ and I know from comments he has made about others that he is not utterly ignorant about the emotional and thus physical effect these things have on a person. So all I can assume is that he knows darn well what his forcing his associations on me does to me, and he LIKES THAT. In fact I think he counts on it, so as I spoke of above, he can keep me so worn down that I have no energy left, and thus he can keep me just where he wants me - under his control, unable to have energy to make any kind of life at all outside of this house.
I feel so worn down that I really do feel ‘powerless’. But I cannot let him keep having that power over me. I have to continue to fight for a meaningful life. At the very least I have to quit giving in to all the feelings this situation brings on, and quit ‘feeding’ the feelings with food; namely massive amounts of sweets. By doing so I am actually helping him destroy me, by destroying my health and in likely short order, take my life with another heart attack or stroke.
We have to sign the bank papers on Wednesday (me signing only that as a separated wife, that I am aware he is taking out a loan). Then I plan on playing ‘hard ball’. I will insist and back up my demands of “No contact unless absolutely necessary, and as much of that communication as possible to be by phone". Then I am going to use my energy for changing my life in any and all ways that I can.
On Monday I will be contacting insurance and asking them for more information on “what happens if a spouse moves across the state from their spouse, and there is no clinics, doctors or hospitals in that area that are in our *network*?” “Is there any way around that, or do I lose insurance coverage by doing that?” I think the answer is this: that I will have coverage, but instead of having a minimal deduction, I will be responsible for 20% of all medical bills I incur, and that 20% will not then be covered by my other secondary insurance. If that is the case, that 20% could ensure that I technically won’t have medical coverage, cause I won’t be able to afford the 20% deductible. I may end up having to take that risk if I cannot get him to ‘back off’ and ‘give me my space’, and allow me to make a life outside this house while living here.
I am going to start really working at taking the steps to stop his ‘spider and the fly’ act, or I will find some way out of here BY spring. Instead of just ‘jumping’ out, with no plans made, as I did last time - this time I will have everything set in place before I move.
*NOTE*: It’s ironic that some years ago an E.R. doctor told me - in front of Chuck - that if he won’t back off I need to have him arrested. Yet last summer when Shatzi was being repeatedly poisoned, and I took my dogs and ran to a motel, and then called the cops. The cop that returned my call is ONE of the cops that Chuck has made it a point to have a close friendship with. In the fall of 2011 that cop had told Chuck - in front of me - “I will arrest anyone who deserves to be arrested, and that includes you Chuck.” Well, summer of 2012 when that cop called me back when I’d gone to the motel, and I told him what was occurring, and that I felt Chuck was the one doing it. Well, the cop stopped me, and said, “I know Chuck, and he wouldn’t do that.” And, I said, “You don’t know the real Chuck. He has done a lot of stuff you have no clue of.” And, that cop very aggressively told me, “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t know Chuck. If you keep speaking as you are it is YOU who is going to be in a lot of trouble.” WTH!?
And, 2 nights ago Chuck basically admitted it WAS HIM that poisoned Shatzi. Chuck was saying, “Well, I’ve cleaned up the fence, so maybe instead of coming out into the yard with the dogs, you could let him out into the fence again.” And, I said, “You better not poison him again.” (Not have absolute proof that it was him…). And, to my shock Chuck said, “I won’t.” IF THAT ISN’T AN ADMISSION, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS. (He has always really hated Shatzi, cause Shatzi only likes me, and Chuck has always hated any person or animal who is close to me, and previously he has killed my precious animals. And, he made an absolute point of never allowing me to have anything to do with my own daughter whenever he was home. THAT is how utterly possessive and controlling he is!)
Also, a couple of weeks ago I had brought up that Shatzi’s vet bills last summer had pretty much bankrupted me, and Chuck said, “Well I told you I would pay half of those bills.” (Which, in truth, he never ever had said that.) So, I said, “O.K. You can pay me now.” And, he said, “But, I offered last summer. I meant THEN that I would help pay those bills. I didn’t think you’d expect me to pay them NOW.” (Gee. His offer was meant to just be PHONY WORDS!) Well, I took him up on his CURRENT WORD, and made him ‘fork over’. SO, I guess since he had had to pay, then it no longer hurt him to admit that he HAD been the one who poisoned Shatzi multiple times, and almost brought him to his death at least 5 times. THIS IS THE MONSTER!!!
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I 'almost' don't know who I am anymore, or whether I am even capable of anything any more. I'm just a shell of who I used to be.
I don't know who he is either. A damaged child? A monster? Heartless? Or a heart in there somewhere?
I'm so beat down by all of this.
I feel imprisoned right now.
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