Friday, August 02, 2013
it's telling me I have the points for a blog post today when I didn't make a post yet. It also told me when I was reading my Spark Mails that I already received points for reading those emails when I did not, but then it self corrected later and gave me the 8 points. The site can get wacky sometimes.
So the SO called me when he was on his lunch at 1230 and let me know to expect him tonight round 8pm. He's off this weekend and the 2 young ones are with their Mom this weekend so he is free and wants to spend time, sigh. I let him know I was going shopping in the morning with the Mom and Aunt and he said he knows. He said he would occupy himself then by breaking the backyard since he is in the mood for physical labor. He is getting stronger it seems since he works out and he already moved his workout equipment over here last weekend. It just all fit properly which I am grateful for. So there is a treadmill, bike, elliptical and weights in there with a TV and music access so all is well. I've been thinking in November when the time changes until next March I'll be doing a lot of exercise indoors likely which will kinda blow but its just a few months so no worries and I'll find a way to get outdoors sometimes when its feasible.
I'm wondering why the SO wants to spend most of the weekend together. Now don't get me wrong I love the guy, we get on very well together but I have learned in my 40 some odd years too much togetherness is bad. Its one of the big reasons why I divorced my ex-husband he was too clingy and I hated that a lot. The SO isn't clingy like that but maybe I'm trying to overcompensate a little just to make sure it doesn't occur. The SO seems to get it with not overcrowding me as well. He says I am too much like Spock or Christina Yang lol. It's true I just have that type of personality where I'm practical and mostly logical. The SO is more extroverted and open and he said he loves my personality but...(When I hear but I'm waiting for the negation of what was said previously) he loves my personality lol. He says it has him wondering what he ever saw in his ex-wife and he said she changed about a year after they were married and he stuck it out too long with her cranky ass self. If I ever thought I was cranky sometimes she's 5 million times worse. Enough of her though because she pissed me off last week with her demands. I told her politely where it was at though and I'm not the children's mother she is. I'll leave that there, the SO said her parents coddled her too much growing up so she never understood the word NO.
I just came back because my doorbell rung and it was a delivery of flowers, this time my favourite lavender roses; two dozen beautiful long stemmed. I looked at the card and its from The Big Wigs at my SO's work. The other night the CEO let me know he noticed a change in the SO (I ought to use his name but the SO seems appropriate for now) ever since we've been together. I think they appreciate not having to deal with his ex-wife anymore because she was a pushy sort; that she is I said to the CEO. He's an older guy later 60's but he's young in thought. He let me know she was much too presumptuous at best and a witch at her worst. I stay out of that honestly I just don't need bad vibes with the woman, the kids don't need that. The lil girl is sensitive to bad vibes, the young man knows his mom he's sharp and says he's glad he only has to visit her sometimes because she stresses him out. Yeah, I know she stresses the lil girl too much. If she wanted to give up primary custody the SO would take her in a heartbeat because he wanted to have her as well but they decided to split expenses 50% and it was just easier at the time for the kids. I know what the lil girl is going through because my Dad was like that growing up and I had stress, anxiety, fear and stomach issues. Lil girl has stomach issues as well from her mom. She seems like she only gets a break when she is with us and by the time she is destressed she goes back with her mom.
I DON'T WANT TO TRIGGER ANYONE FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE SO IF YOU HAVE SUFFERED IT DON'T GO FURTHER WITH THIS ENTRY! Its not very specific but certain things can bring up issues best left for some.
I wrote this because its helpful & good to say what happened to you. There isn't anymore power, the person or people, over you who abused you. (Did that make sense?) At least that's what the psychologist told me. :)~
Sometimes I just want to slap certain people for the crap they put their kids through. Growing up through my 20's I was very angry and that didn't even need to happen, I don't even know how I learned to put that crap from my childhood away. I probably even let it affect me in certain ways today how I deal with people. My SO once said to me I shouldn't let that crap from my past get to me now. Really? In the beginning we had many conversations about this subject and SO said to me once that if I never told him he wouldn't know what happened when I was young and how I dealt with it because I appeared so normal. I wouldn't ever describe what I went through growing up as normal, yeah it was normal to me since I lived it. On a conscious level I know right from wrong, good from bad, but when you grow up with the level of violence I did it changes who you are as a person, who you might have become. All that psycho crap about you can be the person you were meant to be may be true but unless you can go back and reverse time I just don't think that is totally plausible. I'm not saying you can't make things better, more right for yourself but I think Dr. Phil is right on this one. When parents expose their children to violence & abuse in the home it changes who you are as a person fundamentally.
Sometimes I have flashbacks and it takes time to let it go. Its why it took me a long time to learn how to trust people, to let myself feel things, to be able to be mostly free from the inner crap I carried (still carry a little) around. It's a lot of the reason I am a loner, very introverted. I didn't want people to see what kind of parents I had, what kind of life it was being with a total jerk of a father. I wished I had different parents because they cared about the little crap that meant nothing and ignored bigger things until it boiled over. They have 4 children and we are as different as night & day but none of us really talk to one another or stay in touch. I haven't spoken to my oldest sister since 2000, 13 years. Its much better that way because she is Bipolar and makes people crazy with her crazy. She tries to control people and if you don't do what she wants she cuts you off. She'll take you back if you grovel and apologise to her and act right. I had enough and cut her out of my life. Its like the saying goes "You can't have a positive life with negative people in it."
I've cut my dad out of my life for periods and life is better without him honestly, way less stressful. I just can deal with him so much better now is the only reason I am around. Once in a while I feel like talking about my younger years. The psychologist said I should when I feel the urge to since I grew up stuffing everything down and then finally exploding when it all became too much to handle anymore. I think at one point he suggested I was very close to being nonfunctional in society if I continued on the path I was going down in my 20's. He meant being a sociopath really since I peeked in my file once when he was out of the office. So I played like I hadn't seen that but I decided to take a month holiday over to New York and somehow I made a conscious decision to stop being angry, ill tempered and ugly and get right with myself. The physical symptoms were wearing me down in life, stress, constantly being ready for something to go wrong, stomach issues, the anger was wearing me out. I forgave myself in a sense but I didn't forgive my parents for putting me through that crap growing up. You can't ever get back a bad childhood or part of your life. Granted you can't let it rule the rest of your life, many people can't get past the horrors I get that, I just made the conscious decision not to let them beat me in a sense. I didn't suffer physical abuse because I didn't fight. I didn't see the point to it. I just wanted to be invisible, to disappear. The fear was already a lot to deal with.
Its funny how when others abuse you the rage, anger, sadness, the negative a lot of time you turn it on yourself so it continues. Scary Times really. Sometimes you need something to shake you out of your path you are on so you don't become more destructive. I'm surprised I didn't become an alcoholic, drug addict or something worse. My brother and 2 sisters have had their fair share of issues in life from the crap. Somehow I learned to self parent myself because in my family you just don't talk about your feelings because it can't be handled. Sometimes I just needed someone to listen and not try and give me solutions and try and tell me not to cry or feel bad. That part makes me angrier than anything. I can deal with all the rest but don't tell me not to cry or feel things. I stuffed it down so long its like I had to learn to identify what I was feeling. I knew when I was mad, sad, angry, negative but happy or positive or even normal was as foreign as Chinese. Certain events, words you just remember clearly. I love my mom a lot but she said once my 2 older sisters had it a lot worse than my brother and I did. I swear that was the only time I felt like slapping the dumb ass out of her for that statement. That felt like a total dismissal of everything my brother and I went through. It still burns me someone could say something like that. So emotional abuse is fine because the physical abuse didn't happen. Oh BTW, Mom little brother did get abused because he fought back. Whatever gets you through life I suppose.
I think seeing what lil girl goes through with her mom kind of makes me think about it sometimes. I can deal with my crap but I just don't want her to have to go through what I did to get to the other side. Not everyone gets to the other side of it all. That's what I think about and at some point if the SO doesn't address this seriously (He is trying to keep the peace which I totally get. I so get that wanting to keep the peace because my Mom did it. I did it a lot before I learned to release my feelings. Inner voice saying "See kayah you aren't going to die, he's not even going to physically abuse you. You're stronger than he is, its all just lies and empty threats to control.")
I just wrote all that because it was known, said, understood You don't tell anyone what happens, do you want to be taken away to live apart? I almost think that would have been the better alternative really. A lot of the time I wish I could have gone away, disappear never to see my biological family again and then maybe I could have learned a lot about what life should have been like. I was scared, fearful, angry, mad, sad for a lot longer than I needed to be. All of this because even worse abuse happened to my own father. So yes the cycle does go on and on. I stopped it at least since I didn't have any children. I couldn't really but that's another story. (It makes me mad when certain people say its selfish not to have any children. If you are saving them from negativity and bad things that is the most sane thing you can ever do. I made the conscious decision when I was young not to have children but I couldn't have children physically so I accepted it. I'm glad I made that choice first because it helped me to deal with it.)
I think abuse can be a major part of why some are overweight. I think I am just lucky with genetics and a few other factors never to have been obese or overweight because it does run in my family. The most I have been is on the larger side of my weight range for my height. 142 is the most I have ever weighed, ever. I was pretty lean until my later 20's. I still appear lean, with a bit of flab in the tummy and upper arms that's it. Now with yoga, walking and other activity the tummy is getting smaller, eating right mostly helps as well. I don't measure my progress by the scale because I feel better, more energetic, positive. What an accomplishment to feel more energetic and positive. That makes me more happy than anything else.
I weighed myself in the past few days, from 142 earlier this year to 135 is amazing to me. I'm pretty sure I don't care if I get back to 125, it would be really cool and fun but 125 is a number that's it. I weighed round 100 pounds till I was 23 years old and never broke 130 until my mid 30's. I've always had pretty active jobs until now so I could eat what I liked, have soda if I wanted, candy, cake and not think about it. Getting into my later 30's I thought about not wanting to get diabetes, heart issues and the other preventable health issues that people in my family suffer I don't want to be diabetic, I had enough of needles when I was younger. Artery digs aren't exactly fun times. I don't want to be on medication for something that is preventable. You can't always outrun your genetics but I dang sure am going to try and stave off everything as long as possible. I would rather not get Parkinson's like my Mom has but meds control her tremors. They used to be bad and now you can hardly tell she has the condition unless you know her. Heart issues run on her side of the family, her Dad died when she was quite young, before she was 4 and her brother died a few months before I was born. So yeah, a lot of my changes are wanting to be healthy and strong but mostly because I want no part of being tied to more medical treatment unless its preventative care. I've had enough of hospitals and doctors. I've had about 10 operations, countless procedures, some quite archaic, enough x-rays and blood work and artery digs. I wore braces for 5 years so that was a bad case of teeth straightening to be had lol. Okay, no more bad times I got to the other side~