I have been struggling. Not with exercise, surprisingly...I have gone almost 6 weeks of being active 5 days a week! Go Gym Pact! (It's an App I highly recommend if you're serious about getting and staying active).
Nope, not the exercise. It's the food. Any seasoned dieter will tell you that its always the food. One M&M at a time, a cupcake here, some chips there, well...I "deserved" this bowl of cereal, I did go to the gym! How many times have I told myself I deserved something? How many times have I told myself, well it's just a few? How many times have I said, "This time, I can control it if I bring it into the house?" And...how many times have I let myself down?
The problem isn't that I am some horrible person. I think really the problem is that I am not addressing the BEHAVIOR, nor the CAUSE of the behavior. I keep repeating this over and over because it is my pattern. It's what I do, it's what I know. I have a binge...then I tell myself tomorrow is a new day and I will start again...then something happens and I have my hand in the cookie jar again (well, I don't actually OWN a cookie jar because there would never be anything in there!). Maybe some of you can identify with this, we start bargaining with ourselves and making deals. The thing I often leave out is that I totally ignore my goals, what I want to achieve, in that moment. Me stepping on the WW scale on Sunday doesn't factor into my bargain.
For many years, I would eat what I kinda wanted on the weekends and spend the rest of the week trying to play catch up! It was a silly cycle really, but hindsight is 20/20 no? I am done with the weight loss roller coaster. I am done having multiple sizes in my closet and nothing fits. I am done with the stretchy clothes being tight and me feeling terrible about myself. But, I am also done with turning to food for comfort. Turning to sugared cereal for consolation. Turning to M&M's for happiness and feel good-iness. Using food to hide, numb, cover or push away my feelings.
For a while I was going to therapy and of course my weight played into it. But, my therapist said something that really stuck with me and I still think about it now. I think I need to remind myself of this more often and I really do think my feelings and behaviors will change. She said...think of yourself as a little girl. I pictured myself at about 5...I had a little dress on and pigtails, my hair in ringlets. From pictures I've seen, I was always looked like a happy, average sized little girl, of course on the girly side...but this was the image that came to mind. Then she said, "What would you say to that little girl if she was feeling ____?" At the time, I was beating myself up and using negative self talk. But would I say anything negative or bad to this 5 year-old little girl? No. I wouldn't. It would hurt her feelings and make her feel bad about herself.
So...why am I being so mean to myself now? Just because I'm 35?
I get it now. I need to treat myself with love and kindness. Eating to make myself feel better is a coping mechanism I learned, but it isn't treating myself with love or kindness. It's actually hurting me physically and emotionally. I want to stop....What needs to happen is I need to be more aware, more understanding and much more kind to myself. I need to stop this negative self-talk nonsense and start doing things that will actually bring me to health and happiness. I also need to learn new ways of coping. I think that is going to be the hardest thing for me to learn.
I know this post was not exactly happy and upbeat...but I felt it was necessary for me to post to acknowledge this truth about myself. If it helps even one person to not feel so alone or that they are the only one that is facing this same problem, then that makes me happy!
Let's make today a great day and be kind to ourselves! Because...