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My Baby's Gone

Friday, August 02, 2013

We had to take Sammy to the vet on Monday to be put down. It was hands-down, no-question, the absolute worst day of my entire life...until the next day, which was even worse.

It had to be done. He cried a lot, couldn't stand at all and on Saturday, he wasn't eating. We took him to four different vets, including a woo woo doctor that gave him acupuncture and chiropractic treatments...but I just couldn't fix him.

The pain has been completely unbearable. We had an intense relationship with Sammy, because when we got him, he was already completely blind and almost completely deaf. He couldn't do things that other dogs did. He didn't wag his tail or run to the door. He couldn't fetch or even jump up and down on furniture as he felt like it. He would get trapped in corners and needed help getting out. He couldn't tell us when he needed to do his business, and had to be carried in and out of the house to do it, and he wasn't the best about waiting for us to figure out that's what he needed, either. We usually carried him to his food and water. It was like taking care of a baby. The last five months, my husband has been home with him--at first, because he was looking for a job, but he stopped a few months ago, because Sammy needed constant care--and he is devastated, because he lost not only our Baby Boy, but also his companion and his purpose.

It may not sound like it, but Sammy was the best, anyway. Maybe not the best DOG, but the best. He was so sweet. He would find you and lick your legs. He did figure out the layout of the house more or less, if the other bedroom doors were closed, and sometimes, he would get up from his doggie bed in the living room, and waddle to the wall, walking along it, because he couldn't see, through the TV trays in the corner, like it was an obstacle course, and then down the hall. One time, one of our exchange students left their bedroom door open, and Sammy got lost in 23-year-old boy hell. He messed up the kid's notebooks. One time, we lost him and were looking everywhere for him. He had gone into the second bathroom, bumped the door shut and was sleeping on the bathmat. He would not like the way his bed was lying, so he would paw ineffectively at his little cushion or whatever was lining it, and bark once. Then he would get frustrated and go to sleep. He loved green beans, and the only time he would try to bite you is if your hand smelled like hot dogs. He had two little sores on his head from where he had bumped into things over time. They got very badly infected for months, and we invented a helmet for him to keep him from irritating them so they'd heal. The helmet was made with nylons, a sock, and that stuff that is on the non-sticky part of bandages. He hated that helmet, but he looked super-cute in it. When he'd wake up in the night and need to go outside, he'd step on our heads to wake us. He was my baby, my angel.

And now he's gone. I'd give anything to be able to hold him some more, and sniff his little head. And stare into--or at--his useless eyes. And see his little black nose from above...and on and on and on.

So this has been a horrible, horrible no week I've ever experienced. I've been trying to write this blog for a few days now, but I haven't been able to, but I NEED to, because I found out that unfortunately, I'm not one of those people who loses her appetite in times of deep sadness. No, I'm the other way, trying to fill a hole that food can't fill...that nothing can fill. And I've ramped up the workouts lately. I do find that running as fast as you can (and I don't run at all) or jumping up and down on the trampoline REALLY REALLY HARD makes the tears stop for a minute. But just a minute, because my stamina stinks. And even though Flamin' Hot Cheetos do nothing for my pain, I'm still eating them. In bulk. And I just have such a hard time believing that it's ever going to feel okay ever again, even though I know intellectually that such deep pain is unsustainable in the long run, and we humans adapt to all kinds of changes, even the worst change I can possibly imagine--losing a member of my small household--nothing comforts me. I ache all over, but especially in my heart. I miss him so much.

But I have to stop the madness. I have to pledge to following my diet, at least, because even though I'm working out more and harder, it's not enough to counteract the grease-love-fest I had last night, or the massive amount of Cheetos. AndI gained 20 pounds when I moved...and I can't gain another 20. I just can't...even for love of Sammy. I mean, if it would bring him back, sure, but it won't.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BEE2LE
    So sorry to hear about your dog Brenda! It's devastating to lose a friend & baby! What a kind & loving heart you have! Your right that food won't make the pain go away. I would be right there with you, that's for sure! I wish I could say something that would make you feel better & take away your pain. Time doesn't make the loss go away, but makes the sting of the pain a little less. Hugs to you! Hang in there!
    1505 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1506 days ago
  • MONAKIN314

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon I am so sorry to hear about Sammy!
    1507 days ago
    I'm so very sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must feel, he was such a special dog. Hugs to you both.
    For Sammy's sake don't give up on yourself.

    emoticon emoticon
    1509 days ago
  • SHARON10002
    My hear aches for you as I know the feeling you are going through right now. It's so hard to make "that decision", and then the heartache, and the emptiness that follows is so painful. We had to make this same decision with our last dog. It was both gut wrenching and heart wrenching.

    You and your family gave Sammy the very best you could right up to the very end, and, even then, you did what was best for HIM - to put him out of his misery by letting him go. That took a great deal of love and compassion. It will take time, but you will heal and recover from his loss, and the pain will be replaced with happy memories of him.
    1509 days ago
    Tears and a thousand hugs! Sammy sounds so special, and he couldn't have asked for a better mom and dad than you and your DH.
    1510 days ago
    My condolences. emoticon Sammy knew nothing but love in the years you've had him. It takes a special person to adopt an older dog. I hope you can find peace. The pain of loss is raw at first. Almost unbearable. Be strong. Sammy is at rest now.

    Take care of yourself. Step away from the Cheetos. There may be another furry soul out there that needs the special love you and your family provide. And you must be ready, hale and healthy when that time comes. Sammy would like that.

    Hugs. emoticon
    1511 days ago
    Brenda, my heart mourns with yours. I have always known how much you loved Sammy, and wondered how you would be able to overcome his loss. He was family to you. You will always have fond memories, but, at the moment your heart aches uncontrollably. Your heart will ache for some time to come, and it will take time. Like somebody else mentioned, once you feel better, many happy memories will remain.
    Take care of yourself, and my deepest condolences to you and your husband.
    1511 days ago
    I'm so, so sorry for your loss :-( I had Sunshine for 14 years and the last 3 she was blind and deaf. It was so hard to watch her go through that, but we loved her just as much and kept her until she simply wasn't able to keep going. She knew she was loved and so did Sammy.

    Big, big emoticon
    1511 days ago
    So sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to lose an animal you love. emoticon
    1511 days ago
    I am so, so very sorry to hear about Sammy. I can't begin to imagine the heartache. What a joy he was to you and your family, and what a blessing you were to him.
    1511 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon I am so, so sorry to read this :-(
    You were such a good mom to your baby boy, he will always be a part of you and you will never forget the joy he brought to your life and I know he had such a good life because of you. So many people wouldn't have invested so much in Sammy but you did because not only are you a good person, but you knew you had to -- he was like a soul mate for you. I hope you can learn to grieve in a less destructive way -- it happens. But put the hot cheetos down. Running sounds good -- a good way to get the stress and anger and sadness out, or at least a good way to deal with it. I know you'll have a process to go through with dealing with the grief... the stages and all. it sucks. losing loved ones is one of the hardest things we ever have to do, even when we know it was for the best. because the emptiness expands and feels like it's swallowing you. I am here for you if you need to talk. I know eventually the memory of him will put a smile on your face more often than making you want to cry, but it will take some time. you can do this. If there is a dog heaven, I know Sammy is there and he is living it up with hot dogs and full vision! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1512 days ago
    emoticon My condolences, friend. I am SO sorry for your loss. Please be good to yourself in these days. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1512 days ago
    I understand every line of this blog. I wish I could give you a hug right now and support you through this painful time. These small furry angels that come into our lives and wrap themselves around our heart are so special in every form they come in. The greyhound that I currently have came to me blind due to a severe congenital brain abnormality which makes it hard for him to learn (i.e. housetraining struggles). But that doesn't change the attachment that forms. So I get it. You gave him the kindest gift by taking away his pain in the end and loving him so dearly. You have clearly been his best friend too. He will always be with you. I wish for you that the pain fades quickly and only the good happy memories remain. Hugs from a friend.
    1512 days ago
    Oh goodness, I'm so so sorry to hear about Sammy. What a wonderful life you gave him! and he gave you in return.
    Our dear dog is almost 11 years old and I fear and dread the coming years.. It just isn't fair that pets don't live as long as humans. I've had friends lose beloved cats and swear they would wait a while for another, only to learn that taking another pet soul into their home was helpful in mourning the loss of the other.. I just don't know if that would work for you or for myself when the time comes.
    Grieving is a process, the loss and absence will be felt for a long while. Good luck and hang in there!
    1512 days ago
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