Thursday, August 01, 2013
How many “No”s do you have in you every day?
Yesterday I ate my packed lunch next to a tiny woman eating Chick-fil-a. I think I actually felt a little physical pain sitting there smelling the food and watching this lady eat out of the corner of my eye. I was telling my BF how much I wanted it and he reminded me how my no-fried-food streaks broke me of the Chick-fil-a cravings. I noted how I definitely broke that urge to go there twice a week and can live without it now – but sometimes it stares you right in the face and it hurts.
This morning I woke up and it was gray and nasty outside. I immediately thought “Dunkin’ Donuts” but talked myself out of it and had my chobani and kcup coffee instead. I get to work this morning and go to fill my water bottle and the smell of bacon was all around me. I walked back upstairs. My first meeting of the day included donuts, and I just watched everyone else eat them around me. My third meeting had brownies, pound cake, cookies, etc. The cookies were very small, so I allowed myself one and tracked it. Then a coworker tried to get me to go out to lunch (I packed both my lunch and gym bag) and I stuck to my guns and said no.
I FEEL EXHAUSTED.
I think I only have so many “no”s inside of me and I am quickly running out of them today. I’m supposed to make gluten free pasta with spinach tonight, seriously one of the easiest dinners ever, and I’m already wishing I could go out to eat a burger, sushi, chicken, ANYTHING instead. I grew up in a household where we ate out 99% of the time and some days that old laziness that I have fought so hard to break creeps back in.
My relationship with food can be such a freaking battle some days. I arm myself by packing healthy snacks, lunches, and my gym bag. But I am STILL fighting tons of urges to be lazy or eat junk. I try to suppress that voice in my head saying that it isn’t fair that I can’t have chickfila or donuts or chipotle or beers.
My BF brought up the idea of going fried food free again and I shot it down. I find when I restrict myself from things, it makes the feelings like this worse and I end up losing my mind over it. I distinctly remember a time where I cried my eyes out when I felt that I couldn’t eat anything while we were out. I would rather focus on BALANCE. I reminded him of how much my choices have naturally changed – like ordering a steak salad with vinaigrette last weekend instead of ribs and fries like the rest of my friends did.
I just wish I knew how to shut out some of these negative food urges and thoughts. They still haunt me. Some days are easier than others, but some days like today – I am struggling. Even though I know how to cook and pack healthy stuff now, my brain STILL wants cr&p. WHY?!?!?!?! I feel like a drug addict or something!!!!!
On another note, I read this article on Huffpost this morning about how Lululemon won’t display or even stock clothes over size 8 in their stores, because they don’t want “larger” people coming in and ruining their fitness image. This gets me so fired up. I know people who aren’t stick thin who run marathons. I know someone who isn’t stick thin who does yoga daily and is going for her training certificate. People mistake leanness with fitness, and to think that a company would rather DISCOURAGE other “bigger” athletes from buying their stuff… ugh! Shouldn’t you want to MOTIVATE people to be more fit, rather than tear them down or try to exclude them because of their size? I think I’ll stick to my cheaper, less snotty yoga pants. Thanks.
I’m going to try to keep fighting today. This will be Gym Day #3 this week, on track to make my 4 day goal. I am even planning on cooking a healthy dinner tomorrow – on a Friday night – gasp! Can’t believe it is AUGUST too ! Where does time go?!?! I hope everyone makes it a good month. It is going to be a crazy one for me but I am sure gonna try!