Thursday, August 01, 2013
This week has been full of ups and downs. I fear it's going to be an "UP" kind of week for my weigh-in tomorrow. I've been avoiding the scales, and that is never a good sign. But, I'll get in some good things before I share the bad and the ugly. . .
I have been having major breathing problems at night, so I've been really trying to find ways to improve it so I can actually wake up feeling rested in the morning. Before anyone asks, I do not have sleep apnea. What I have is very narrow nostrils that swell almost shut at night (lots and lots of scar tissue in there from repeated sinus drainage due to many allergies. . .when it gets raw, then scabs form; enough said, and already narrow to begin with). I bought something called "Nasi-Vent" to open them up so I can actually breathe through my nose when I'm sleeping. It's not pretty, or particularly comfortable. . .but it does work. I have also made some connections between dairy and more breathing problems both day and night, which ties into some of the bad and ugly stuff, lol.
I'm eating oatmeal instead of my usual loaded yogurt (added granola, ground flax, almonds and nzymes). I don't know yet if this is a bad and ugly, but I'm starting to suspect it has something to do with the scale not moving. :( I never realized how much dairy was a part of my diet. In the long run, I think minimizing dairy (especially at night) will help me move in the right direction.
I have been focusing on eating more fresh, raw fruits and veggies each day, and with our garden producing a bumper crop of cucumbers and small tomatoes, I've been doing very well. I'm putting a plate of tomatoes and cucumbers on the table every evening with dinner. And actually eating some of them! I'm also taking tomatoes in my lunch to eat with my sandwich. All good.
I have been doing more weighing and measuring my portions again. . .not every time, but getting there.
Okay, here is where the pound cake and other yuckies come in. . .
I'll start this out by saying this week has been the most stressful one I can remember in a long long time. So, when one of our church members shared peach pound cake after church last night, generously sending 4 slices home for just my husband and I. . .I was all over it. I wish I could say that's my only slip this week, but on Tuesday while I was grocery shopping, the filled donuts called my name and I answered two of them. . .there's also the macaroni and cheese on Monday night (can you tell I am an emotional eater?). Let's just say that all four slices are already gone, and I'm responsible for two of them (hanging head in shame. . .I KNOW better than to even start that stuff).
I'm not going to belabor the stress factor, because everyone has stress. I am going to focus on how I have dealt with it. Tucked away in there is a good thing. For the past year, I have been eating my stress to the tune of binging regularly. When a person gets into the habit of binge eating, it is a hard one to break. I have been doing it so much for the past year, that when my stress meter pegged out this week, it was easy to fall back into it. I want to say that compared to recent episodes, what I've done this week almost doesn't qualify for binging. It isn't good that I've put too much of things that are not good for me into my body, but the fact that I didn't persist until I was physically ill is progress. So, despite my disappointment, I am very glad that it shows a marked improvement.
Let's talk about those donuts. . .a few months ago, while grocery shopping, I bought a package of candy at Aldis (one with at least 6 servings in it, mind you) and ate the whole thing between Aldis and Wal-Mart (less than a five-minute drive), then bought three donuts and a candy bar in Wal-Mart and ate all of it during my 15-minute drive home. Another time, I bought a package of cinnamon rolls (four huge ones with cream cheese icing about 2 inches thick on top), and ate three of them before getting so ill that I couldn't polish off the 4th until the next morning at breakfast (I won't even go into how many ways that is a bad idea). This is just a sampling of my binging in full-swing.
I'm a food addict, and I am weaning myself back off my food binging. When I look at what I just wrote, I realize that this week is major progress. It's not where I want to be right now, but it is realistic progress. You don't get as bad as I allowed myself to get this time and not have repercussions and slips along the way back to healthy eating. I am being brutally honest and putting myself out there in the interest of accountability, both to myself and the SP community. I genuinely want to get past my eating problems and be healthy. . .more even than I want to lose weight.
I can see from what happened this week, that I need to keep my focus for the time being on baby steps and doing a little better in every situation and put the number even further into the backseat. I need to lose weight, but this is not "Extreme Weight Loss," and I don't have Chris Powell to pay the bills and be in my face every day ( I love Chris Powell :), so no bashing going on here), so I'm just going to have to do this the way normal people do it. . .one day at a time. If I am honest with myself and really evaluate my slips to figure out better ways to handle those situations, I will figure out how to defeat each trigger event before it causes disaster.
I'm disappointed, but I am also elated. I am making progress, and I know I'm going to beat it in the long run because I want it very badly. I refuse to live in shame and beat myself up because I didn't have a perfect week. I had a learning experience, and I'm sure I'm going to have a lot more of them before master this lifestyle change. In reality, I know this is something I'm going to have to face for the rest of my life. There is never going to be a time I won't have to live with this every single day. I am changing a lifetime of habits, and it's just not going to happen in a day, a week, a month. . .and possibly not a year. This is about the journey, and not about the destination. I might put that on a piece of paper and tape it to my bathroom mirror to remind myself. Or better yet, on the wall above my scales!
I will do my weigh-in tomorrow, and I will share it. If the number goes up, then I'll adjust my ticker and move on. That number does not define my progress ever again. The scale is just one indicator, not the final judge and jury. I may set a brand-new turtle record before I'm done here, but you know what? I'm okay with that. I'd rather deal with my issues and get some solid solutions so I don't end up having to do it all over again another time. For me, slow is GOOD :).
Have a wonderful Sparkin' day, everyone!!!