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my grief is so raw

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Dad's passion was family, camping and fishing. We did these things many times in my childhood, then there was about a 13 year gap... when mom and dad got back together, we had many family camping and fishing trips. My new saying for dad: the first part of dad's life he fished for fish, the second part of dad's life he fished for men, sharing his Love and passion of Jesus Christ.

My grief is so raw - I assumed family was going to be there here for me... I completely take responsibility for my assumption. I appreciate the family that was here for me and will continue to be - physically and emotionally available to me. My brain is MUSH right now - no one knows how much time I spent most days taking care of things for dad... no one. I have this HUGE gapping hole in my heart right now, I know my brother Jeff gets it - he took care of things too... my grief is overwhelming right now.

I need God's grace to get to other side of grief... I know dad is in a better place, I know dad is walking with Jesus... my heart is just broken because I can no longer push #3 and he will be on the other end of the phone, I no longer talk to him about God's word, to hug or to hold, I just need my heart to catch up with what I know.

With Jesus he is no longer struggling to breath, he is no longer in pain from his many ailments and he is walking with no walker - no longer feeling like a prisoner - who is not welcome to go home. I do feel bad that he felt that way his last days on this earth, but he needed to much care to go home, he had just gotten back his boogie-cart a day and half before - and he was like a little kid on christmas morning - happy as can be to have some independence

As dad's PA I made all of his medical decisions that last day - I am at peace with how he passed. He was comfortable and not struggling to catch his breath. However, you could tell by his breathing that he did not have long. I sat by his side for almost 9 hours that day - as he that morning he told one of his aides, he did not want to be left alone and the faithful aide that she was - stayed with him until I got there. 'When they called me I was there in about two minutes, as I had already been on my way. Dad knew I loved him and took care and followed through with the things he asked of me. I miss him so very much!

I appreciate your support and encouragement - I will probably be blogging about my dad for a while. It will be good when I return to school in three weeks, as I have to keep my mind busy.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I do know how you feel with the loss of my husband this past Feb 11, I miss him so, so I can feel just as you wrote in your blog.
    1633 days ago
    Please, please, do blog about your Dad. Your supporters here will love to hear about him, and it will be medicine for your soul to talk about it.
    1633 days ago
    Dearest Jean,
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. My DH moved in with his Mom in January to be her full-time caregiver. Each week we see more of her slip into the fog of advancing Alzheimer's. I know the grief you feel, and express so lovingly, is a preview of what my dear husband will face in the future, and my heart breaks for you both.
    Take care & Best Wishes to you all, Elizabeth~

    1634 days ago
    No one but you knows your grief.
    Time and emoticon will help.

    Hugs Mary
    1636 days ago
    So sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. I can read
    the pain and grief you are bearing. I lost my Dad in
    1966. I still miss him lots. Now, I am a caretaker
    for my dear Mom who will soon be 94 and is in emoticon the
    nursing home. I stay with her every day and I too,
    am her POA. I've done everything for her, for the
    past 6 years.

    May God bless you and your brother. I can't
    Imagine your pain, I've yet to go through it again.
    Praying for you both that God will give you peace
    to get through this sad time.
    1637 days ago
    Praying for you Jean at this hurtful time. God will heal your hurt and comfort you during your time of mourning. Time will heal in time and you will find joy in the fact that you will be joined with your father one day. He will be waiting for you with open arms. Just as Jesus welcomed your father and is comforting him and made him whole again. Sending you God's blessings Jean.
    Joan emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1637 days ago
    Sorry to here about your loss. It's not easy but it will get better. I lost my mother, my husband, & my father all the same year. My you find your peace with your writing. My prayers are with you emoticon
    1637 days ago
    I lost my father in 2002. He was the first parent to pass, and the only way I could describe it was that it literally felt like there was a hole in my heart. I always remember what my friend said to me (she, as well had last her father a few years before me) - she told me to have hope - The feeling of loss never goes away but it does get better. She was right.
    I feel so very bad for you Jean. My prayers are with you that you find peace and joy again in your life.
    1637 days ago
    emoticon ... And we will continue to support you by reading your dad blogs. emoticon emoticon
    1637 days ago
    emoticon emoticon and more emoticon emoticon
    1637 days ago
    Oh Jeanne, I went to wake my Daddy for breakfast and that was over 40 years
    ago...I still have times when I cannot talk about him without breaking down.

    Loving hugs,
    1637 days ago
    emoticon I am sorry for loss; next month it will be 2 years that my dad has been gone. Take all the time you need to grieve, and that includes blogging about it; if it helps you heal, that is a good thing to do. I still have days when it feels like I lost my dad just yesterday; I don't think we ever fully heal from losing a parent, no matter how old they were, or how old we are.
    1637 days ago
    It's a hard thing to go can rejoice that you were there with him to the end and that he knew how much you loved him. emoticon
    1637 days ago
    emoticon You were and are a good daughter. You were and are a faithful servant of God. emoticon
    1637 days ago
  • MOGAL1946
    Losing someone you love is so hard and the grieving process never ends it just gets more easy. Accepting that your Dad is no longer suffering will help to ease your pain and remembering all the good times with him will bring smiles and give you peace. emoticon
    1637 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that I'm saying a few prayers that God will wrap you in His peace and comfort you with the knowledge that your Dad is with Him now and he is made whole and perfect.
    1637 days ago
    emoticon and emoticon
    1637 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    I am deeply sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1637 days ago
    I'm so sad with you but rejoicing with your dad being in a wonderful place now and minus all his ailments.
    1637 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. You were very blessed to have a father that you love so much. I hope that you have plenty of good memories of him that will bring you some comfort. You are in my prayers.
    1637 days ago
    So sorry for your loss. Just remember that your loss was heaven's gain!
    1637 days ago
  • STRINGI719
    Times of loss are hardest when we have peace and quiet to sit and fully experience our emotions. It's easier when we are busy and our mind is distracted by all that we have to get done. But both times are important. It is so hard, but vital to allow yourself to fully process all of your emotions and grief. I pray for the Lord to wrap you in His loving arms and comfort you in this time of loss.
    1637 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss.
    Grief can be such an unrelenting house guest.
    Your grief is a testimony of your relationship.
    When my dad died I thought of it as him leaving on a trip ahead of me and that we would meet up again down the road.
    Not easy but seemed to help frame the difficult time.
    1637 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. Even though you know your dad is in a better place now, you are dealing with the loss of your dad's physical presence in your life.

    Take time to grieve , to acknowledge your feeling, and to remember the wonderful times you shared with him. You are so right that keeping busy with meaningful activity like the resumption of school will help.

    Remember to be gentle with yourself; you are going through a rough time.

    With sympathy,
    Mary Lynne
    1637 days ago
  • JEN3582
    So sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I just lost my dad in March and it is hard. There are days when it is okay but others are not as good. Prayers are going up for you. emoticon
    1637 days ago
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