Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Dad's passion was family, camping and fishing. We did these things many times in my childhood, then there was about a 13 year gap... when mom and dad got back together, we had many family camping and fishing trips. My new saying for dad: the first part of dad's life he fished for fish, the second part of dad's life he fished for men, sharing his Love and passion of Jesus Christ.
My grief is so raw - I assumed family was going to be there here for me... I completely take responsibility for my assumption. I appreciate the family that was here for me and will continue to be - physically and emotionally available to me. My brain is MUSH right now - no one knows how much time I spent most days taking care of things for dad... no one. I have this HUGE gapping hole in my heart right now, I know my brother Jeff gets it - he took care of things too... my grief is overwhelming right now.
I need God's grace to get to other side of grief... I know dad is in a better place, I know dad is walking with Jesus... my heart is just broken because I can no longer push #3 and he will be on the other end of the phone, I no longer talk to him about God's word, to hug or to hold, I just need my heart to catch up with what I know.
With Jesus he is no longer struggling to breath, he is no longer in pain from his many ailments and he is walking with no walker - no longer feeling like a prisoner - who is not welcome to go home. I do feel bad that he felt that way his last days on this earth, but he needed to much care to go home, he had just gotten back his boogie-cart a day and half before - and he was like a little kid on christmas morning - happy as can be to have some independence
As dad's PA I made all of his medical decisions that last day - I am at peace with how he passed. He was comfortable and not struggling to catch his breath. However, you could tell by his breathing that he did not have long. I sat by his side for almost 9 hours that day - as he that morning he told one of his aides, he did not want to be left alone and the faithful aide that she was - stayed with him until I got there. 'When they called me I was there in about two minutes, as I had already been on my way. Dad knew I loved him and took care and followed through with the things he asked of me. I miss him so very much!
I appreciate your support and encouragement - I will probably be blogging about my dad for a while. It will be good when I return to school in three weeks, as I have to keep my mind busy.